To think premature birth doesn’t compare to the annoying late stages of pregnancy

[Baloo592]

I had my baby very prematurely - it was traumatic, as these things are, involving immediate separation for the baby to go to NICU, over a month hospital stay and tube feeding, oxygen etc etc. I was also unwell. People who know how early my baby came quite often say a version of “the late stages of pregnancy are pretty horrible though and you got to skip that”. The implication being that I’m …what, lucky (?!) that my baby arrived a couple of months early. The more I hear this, the more it enrages me. I’m sure the late stages of pregnancy are a pain (I may never know at this rate) but, surely, there is just no comparison to the trauma of being immediately separated from your baby and that separation continuing for over a month and seeing your baby unwell. I’m not sure if people aren’t sure what to say, or they think they need to come up with a weird positive OR they just have absolutely no idea what having a very premature baby entails so they think it’s an apt comparison. Anyway I heard it again recently and it’s still annoying me so:

YABU - people are uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say when they say you’re fortunate for skipping the end stages of pregnancy

YANBU - the annoyances of late stage pregnancy are not an apt comparison to the trauma of giving birth very prematurely

My ds1 was born at 34 weeks so not super early. Ds2 was born at 38 weeks and by then I was so swollen and uncomfortable I wished he was out earlier. But my blood pressure was also rising like in my first pregnancy which was very stressful. But people usually just come out with nonsense to fill the silence. A very prem baby is a lot harder than piles and needing a wee every few mins.

@Diveintoyou if you came at me or any other nicu mum saying aren’t we lucky we get to change less dirty nappies and get more sleep as our babies are severely ill in hospital - any normal mum would be appalled

Stop putting your own mindset on everyone else. Not everyone else is like you. That doesn’t make them ‘abnormal’. Given I was in NICU for months I met many other mum’s. Yes, some were very happy to share silver linings and even (hold your breathe), crack a joke now and again. Again, you completely miss the part that NOONE thinks they or their babies are ‘lucky’ to be n NICU. You can’t seem to compute that. You can’t compute that some people are able to accept the situation they are in because it is what it is and nothing they can do can change it, so looking for whatever positives they can helps them. Others may choose to refuse to see any positives whatsoever in any situation, and that’s okay if that’s how those people choose to live life but it’s not for everyone. To tell people you shouldn’t look for positives in bleak situations you can’t change your s odd, again, stick to the army if the perpetually offended but march with those that are likeminded, not everyone wants to join your line so don’t try and make them.

I had a difficult and painful pregnancy and carried to 39 weeks and in all honesty I wouldn't have changed a thing. It's a blessing to be able to carry a child when you know there are those in the world who crave it so much!

I think it's both - they don't know, and they are being ridiculous if they DO suggest it's a trade off, but also, I think they are trying to be kind and lighten the mood. Silver lining kind of thing. It's a very British habit - it is not intended to mean it was an exact trade off, it's supposed to be a bit of a joke. Dark humour can sometimes get you through a terrible time.

This, exactly.

There isn't some magic thing that people can say in response that will make all the trauma go away, and just saying "How sad/terrible" again and again can feel....awkward.

@HoppingPavlova from your first post - a direct quote “ I consider myself really lucky “

you in subsequent post “NOONE thinks they or their babies are ‘lucky’ to be n NICU.”

🙄

Okay. If you really can’t see the distinction between saying how you consider yourself to be lucky while looking for silver linings in a situation you can’t change, as opposed to thinking a situation is great and therefore you are lucky, then I just can’t help you, I really can’t.

@HoppingPavlova help me with what? I don’t need your help. I find your views that you were lucky as you didn’t have to change as many dirty nappies because your child was seriously ill in hospital abhorrent.

My ds1 was born at 41+4 and my ds4 was born at 35+3. I much preferred being overdue. Ds4 was only in nicu for 4 weeks but even that was brutal. With ds5 more than one person said that I must be hoping for another early baby.

I've been through both and as hard as the long nicu stay was with my premature birth was, I also did find the late stages of subsequent pregnancy and related issues with that hard to deal with too. So I don't really compare them as one being harder than the other, they were both difficult in their own ways.

Omg I cannot believe people say things like this!! Horrendous. I’m sorry OP. I hope you’re doing okay and have a lot of support for what was surely a very traumatic and terrifying time.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the sense that your feelings are valid, but as others are saying it’s often the case that people just try to say things that mean they can somehow relate to your experience.

I was overdue with my first and my son had an unexpected immediate transfer to special care, that was also traumatic.

My babies in NICU at the moment was due to come home tomorrow and is now poorly with a cold I'm devastated. I had a horrendous pregnancy but I would 100% rather have continued with the constant vomit and other complications and delivered my baby at term than deal with my baby being in NICU and being away from him.

I had a terrible time with my first and went to term and 100% NICU is worse .

I think until people have been in the situation they have no idea , I have also had people say similar things to me while my baby is in.

I had two premature babies. I decided to not have anymore children after being unwell in pregnancy and being told another child would likely be even more premature.

It's strange to think I will never experience a full term pregnancy. I guess every birth experience is unique. I think as with everything people don't always think before they speak. Try to ignore the silly comments and not let it upset you.

What a bonkers and horrible thing for someone to say.
I haven't heard that and my son came at 32 weeks, but did pass away so if I ever do hear it I'll have not a problem going absolutely postal.

I'm 15 years beyond my NNICU journey and can still recall the types of statements people made.

The worst one who comes to mind was the labour ward sister, when I was having some post partum checks done, as another patient was screaming through painful contractions - "I bet you're glad you missed that bit" I responded that it would be preferable to having my child in an incubator clinging to life.

So, no. It isn't just a 'different type of shit' to third trimester. For a start, third trimester finishes at labour. Premmie lasts for way longer than that. Even after they get home, even if they thrive. The psychological effects of having a premature baby are long lasting, as can be the effects on the baby.

Having supported hundreds of women who have been through premmie and then go on to have a full term second baby, not a single one has said they would rather have avoided 3rd trimester and had another premmie.

@Baloo592 here's a few things I learned from having a premmie and supporting others who had;

Nobody who hasn't been through it, can understand. They can sympathise, they can imagine, they can wonder but they cannot truly know. Find support in the preemie community, Bliss the baby care charity have an excellent network.

People say the stupidest things for all sorts of reasons. You can't control it, you can only control your response to it. I made my peace with it by telling myself it all came from a good place (even when it probably sometimes didn't) I had a handful of stock lines I responded with, and how severe they were depended on my mood that day.

Whatever you feel about the situation you are in, that's ok. Nobody can tell you how you should feel or how they would feel or what they would do. I've seen and heard it all, there is no one way to handle this shit.

Take care of yourself. NNICU can be a wild ride. A rollercoaster of emotion, in an unfamiliar world where you feel completely out of control. Your whole focus as a mum is your baby you have to travel miles to see. You have to ask permission to hold them, feed them, bathe them. You've to wash your hands a gazillion times a day. You probably don't eat or sleep properly, you will be worried about finances with the additional costs of having a premmie, your mat leave will be spent standing next to an incubator. It is frankly, a hideous introduction to motherhood. But you need to take time to recover, to process, to rest. Make sure you do whatever it is that works for you with self care.

My DMs are open if you need to chat. There really is no better solution than to talk to a fellow preemie mum. ❤️

Wow I can’t believe people say that! How insensitive.

I think such comment only applies if baby is born 1 or 2 weeks early and that there are no complications (as has been my experience) - in this case yes, it’s better than being overdue as medics may have to get involved and that can be scary.

But I do not believe any of that must compare to the stress and heartache of having to witness your newborn fighting for their lives x

Im sorry you had to go through with it and glad that you are on the other end.

There is such an obsession for the race to the bottom.

That is just... words fail me. I went to nearly 43 weeks with one of mine (and all the others were nearly a fortnight late) and whilst going overdue and those last tedious weeks of pregnancy were a pain,they were NOTHING to the fear and terror of having a very prem baby. A friend gave birth at six months - her baby is nearly a year old and yet still like a small baby, whereas mine practically came out reading and writing, so I've seen how scary it is to have a tiny premature baby. I'd take those last weeks of discomfort over that any day.

I can tell you 100% YANBU because I've had both.

I was told I was lucky that my DS was in nicu so I didn't have to get up to do night feeds! 😠

My sister had a prem baby and would agree with you

I consider myself really lucky that I dodged the night feedings for several months and a larger load of nappy changing than I would have had otherwise.

But they are our silver linings. It is perfectly fine to have those feelings ourselves. Others can't tell us what they should be.

I remember pumping all the time in nicu so they could tube feed. It was so hard with my first but persevered. I would take bf a baby over that any day.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

Having experienced both! first baby born at 42 weeks by induction in the height of the summer and second baby born by emergency section at 36 weeks weighing 3lb 10oz and me left in intensive care, I can say that there is no comparison and I realise that my baby was much less prem than many others so in that respect I was actually lucky.