To think premature birth doesn’t compare to the annoying late stages of pregnancy

[Baloo592]

I had my baby very prematurely - it was traumatic, as these things are, involving immediate separation for the baby to go to NICU, over a month hospital stay and tube feeding, oxygen etc etc. I was also unwell. People who know how early my baby came quite often say a version of “the late stages of pregnancy are pretty horrible though and you got to skip that”. The implication being that I’m …what, lucky (?!) that my baby arrived a couple of months early. The more I hear this, the more it enrages me. I’m sure the late stages of pregnancy are a pain (I may never know at this rate) but, surely, there is just no comparison to the trauma of being immediately separated from your baby and that separation continuing for over a month and seeing your baby unwell. I’m not sure if people aren’t sure what to say, or they think they need to come up with a weird positive OR they just have absolutely no idea what having a very premature baby entails so they think it’s an apt comparison. Anyway I heard it again recently and it’s still annoying me so:

YABU - people are uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say when they say you’re fortunate for skipping the end stages of pregnancy

YANBU - the annoyances of late stage pregnancy are not an apt comparison to the trauma of giving birth very prematurely

I got ‘ah well, at least if the baby isn’t at home with you, you’ll get to sleep!’

Great.

I had this too. And now he's a year old people say 'at least he's fine now' or 'it could have been worse'. Yes, of course to both of them, but it's also very dismissive of what was quite a traumatic experience (I bad severe pre eclampsia and was in hospital from 32 weeks until my bp became uncontrollable). I was lucky enough that my 34 weeker didn't really have a long NICU stay but I was sent home with a 3lb 8oz baby with no additional support and it was terrifying. It gave me so much health anxiety for him for ages.

I'm pregnant again and any time I express any worry people just say 'it turned out ok,don't worry'. I mean sure, but am at least allowed to have the fact it was a difficult time acknowledged? Just be grateful and crack on.

My twins were 31 weekers, they both had to be resuscitated. I nearly died. I'd take the uncomfortableness of late pregnancy.

It's not a race to the bottom though.

Both YABU and YANBU correct answers to me.

It's not comparable in the slightest but people are stuck for something to say and desperate to give you even the tiniest bit of (very misplaced) reason to be cheerful. Those people are stupid, but just want to make you less sad.

YANBU OP. I went overdue and in absolutely no way at all was that discomfort comparable to the worry of a premature birth or having a baby to spend time in NICU (I have friends who have gone through that).

Why are some people so stupid? Utterly insensitive and stupid thing to say.

Wholeheartedly agree. Mum of 27 weeker and 26 weeker currently spend more time in hospital with my baby than at home. I can't cope with listening to women moaning about their discomfort and even wishing for an early baby! It really upsets me. You never leave the trauma of nicu behind you. My baby is 9 months old, the size of a 2 month old and in and out of hospital for ongoing health issues. Its absolutely heartbreaking.
I would have given anything to be anything to have carried my babies to term 😔

I would never compare being full term with a healthy baby to having your kid in neo natal care. What is WRONG with people?!

Also disgusted by the poster who considered themselves 'lucky' to get extra sleep whilst baby was in hospital for surgeries. That is not a normal response. Most nicu mums are up every 3 hours to express and it shatters your heart to be separated from your baby, not feeling 'lucky' honestly shocked by that comment. The months my babies were in hospital were the hardest months of my life.

People are weirdly competitive about this shit.

I gave birth in 90m. There was not a single beat between contractions, back to back labour, stirrups, episiotomy, ventouse, PPH. It took me an unreasonably long time to get used to the gas and air that was the only pain relief possible because I was using fucking hypnobirthing methods.

And what do people say? "Lucky, you, sounds dreamy".

I could have hugged the friend who said, "no way, that sounds really scary".

However good or bad your birth experience was, you can easily assume that another woman didn't exactly enjoy hers.

@Diveintoyou wow, you seriously consider yourself really lucky that your baby had multiple surgeries because it meant you got more sleep. One of those things you shouldn’t say out loud!
and I hope you weren’t trying to compare this to the NiCU situation - all the NiCU mums I met including myself were up pumping every 3 hours and worrying about our babies not enjoying lovely relaxing nights of sleep

You either lack comprehension and/or are a perfect illustration of what I was saying. No, I don’t consider myself lucky that my baby was born with problems, or that they had multiple surgeries, or that they were in hospital for several months, or that they nearly died multiple times. Of course not, how bizarre and that’s not what I said so trying to twist it to suit us a bit gross really. However, the fact is IT IS WHAT IT WAS. Nothing could change what was occurring at the time BUT you CAN always look for positives.

In my case I believed the positives were getting more sleep through the night than I would have otherwise, and less dirty nappies as I was never a fan (and with multiple kids I’ve well had my share). That doesn’t mean I wished anything bad on my baby, or would have chosen what happened ffs. But, it was what it was, nothing was going to change that, so it’s a good thing to try and identify silver linings and accept that’s what others are doing. Other people are not sitting back rubbing their hands with glee that babies are in such a situation! They are also trying to find silver linings given it’s a shit situation that can’t be changed. Much better than joining the army of the perpetually offended.

As for not being a NICU mum? Give your head a wobble. Mine was in NICU long term, months, then at a point transferred offer to an extended care intensive unit as opposed to NICU, again for months. And yes, I pumped, and never stopped as mine was never able to breastfeed due to physical disabilities. I did it frequently of a day, then had a 4hr stretch overnight, pumped, another 4 hour stretch then back to more frequently during the day. That was still much better of a night than others I’ve had that either fed more frequently of a night, we’re unsettled, or took longer to feed than I took to pump. I’m allowed to say, that given the situation was what it was, and I couldn’t change it, that I was able to find these silver linings. To tell me I shouldn’t have or that was wrong is a really sick move on your behalf. Head. Wobble.

Ooooff, I'm sorry people have said this to you. I think it's really that they don't know what to say and it just comes out, trying to find a positive.
I have had a very premature baby and also 3 term babies, one of whom weighed over 10lb and I'm quite sure broke my tailbone. I would have absolutely hands down without taking a breath been pregnant with the 10lb baby for an entire year before I would ever have baby of mine be in the NICU, it is absolutely devastating and traumatic and I really don't think you can understand it without experiencing it.
Not long after my son came home, my daughter's teacher was making small talk and said something about one of my daughters friends mum, looking so uncomfortable and ready to have her baby, and then i saw in her face as she realized I was probably the wrong person to say it to.
The one I kept getting was "he was just ready to meet you!" And I actually said "no he wasn't, he couldn't breathe by himself" because it felt so dismissive and infuriating but I think people are just trying to be positive when what I think people should say is "Im so sorry that happened to you, that must have been so hard."

I really don’t know how anyone can think having a premature baby isn’t massively upsetting and stressful. There’s no way it compares with the very slight inconvenience of late pregnancy.

These two things are absolutely incomparable and I'm sorry you've been subjected to such ignorant and insensitive comments, OP.

As many PPs have said, people are for some reason very uncomfortable with just saying "that must have been terrible for you, I'm so sorry you went through that" and instead feel like they have to find some kind of positive thing to say to you, or help you "solve" the issue.

I had a few years of recurrent miscarriages and so many people said to me "at least you know you can get pregnant". Well, okay, but getting pregnant isn't much use if your can't stay pregnant. I know they were trying to find some kind of upside in what may have felt like an awkward conversation but I would much rather they'd just said "this is so shit for you"' and left it at that. Likewise, a friend had unexplained infertility and people would say to her "at least they can't find anything wrong". Again, unhelpful when she was actually hoping for some kind of diagnosis to explain and treat, rather than living in the unknown.

But as others have said, I may have also been guilty of saying insensitive things like this in the past, to try to provide some kind of warped optimism in a crap situation. I have now learned not to start sentences with "at least..." when someone is in the thick of something, because it rarely goes on to be a helpful comment.

I think that’s a charitable way of looking at it tbh. I remember a thread a few years ago, where a poster was arguing that it was easier to lose a parent when you’re young because they haven’t been around for so long. Not everyone was disagreeing. As someone, whose dad died while I was mid teens, that was one of the most insensitive things anyone could say.

I think YANBU op. My dd was born full term and I can now imagine the pain you felt being separated from your newborn because my dd was so ill last year I didn’t know if she’d live or die. My pregnancy was hard, I was on crutches and fighting not to be in a wheelchair by the end. It left me with permanent pain, disabled, amongst other issues and dd is my only child because of it. But I would not have chosen to have my dd early to avoid going through the separation you and your baby felt.

Having had both a FT baby and a baby in NICU

Yanbu.

I think our individualistic society has resulted in swathes of people with low levels of compassion and empathy.
I've found unless it has literally happened to them most people have mind-bogglingly low levels of empathy these days.

I think giving birth quickly is harder than a long, easier labour TBH. I had long labours of over 24 hours. But it was slow and gentle, not hard and fast. I definitely prefer it my way.

I had a huge PPH and found other women who had PPH's a bit competitive about who had the most blood transfusions. I left a support group because of that because it's insane. It was scary for all of us whether we had 1 or 100 transfusions!

You're not UR OP. I'll take a temporary very uncomfortable late pregnancy knowing my baby is safe and developing in the right place over them being at risk from premature birth. Mine were all term.

I have a disabled child. People try to say nice things but can be quite hurtful as well. It's not their fault, they just might not have faced it before and don't really know what to say. YANBU, and it's okay to feel hurt, but it will continue happening so you need to grow a bit of armour to deal with it. Treat it for what it is, well-meaning, but unhelpful nonsense.

Awful thing to say, just awful. One of my DCs was born at 27 weeks and spent four months in the NICU. We were told to prepare ourselves for the worst three times.

I’m fairly mild mannered, but I’d be really cross if someone said that to me and I can’t imagine that I’d be very polite.

I remember more than one person commenting that I'd "got away with the night feeds" when dd spent 3 months in NICU.. The unit didn't have facilities for parents to sleep there. People are utterly clueless. Very few people understand how traumatic a premature birth is, like any situation, unless they've been through something similar.

I wish people were grown up enough to say "I'm so sorry, are you ok?" and have the painful and uncomfortable conversation.

Honestly @Sallysoup, a family member said the same thing to me. At the time I was living in a charity house next to the hospital, 100 miles away from home, pumping every four hours day and night. Life was utterly awful, it was absolutely traumatic, completely upside down. I didn't see my baby for three whole days after they were born.

I remember seeing the Duchess of Edinburgh cry on the news when she visited Frimley Park as a royal, a visit/opening something or other, I can't remember which. The same hospital she had nearly lost her life and child in.

I cried with her as I watched the news. I don't think it ever leaves you.

These days menopausal me would want to 👊someone who made such a ridiculously insensitive comment. Back then I would have said nothing and had a few quiet tears.

It's kind of you to say so, though I think 24h would be hard for me! But I just remember thinking, I wish I just had a 5m break to gather myself, put my music on and have the biscuit they'd been denying me.

My PPH was just high enough to rank as PPH, but not enough to rank as worthy of transfusion. They didn't even give me iron tablets. But then I did have to lend them my scissors and micropore from my baby bag, and I was left in bloody sheets for 3h.

give your own ‘head a wobble’ (ridiculous phrase) - if you came at me or any other nicu mum saying aren’t we lucky we get to change less dirty nappies and get more sleep as our babies are severely ill in hospital - any normal mum would be appalled. NIcU mums don’t need to ‘find a silver lining’. They don’t need to ‘see how lucky they are’ . That’s belittling and trying to to diminish what a difficult time it is. It’s a disgraceful thing to say.