To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?

[MamaConchy]

Posting for traffic and I need some iPhone tech help!

Last night my DD age 14 was severely in the dog house and one of the punishments I have given her is to remove her screentime. Unfortunately after I’d retrieved her and dropped her home, I had to leave again for work and I won’t be back home until this evening. Adult DD was also home so she wasn’t alone.

I’ve set her screentime so that it’s basically switched off all day, every day, and her phone is blocked. But I’ve just had a look and somehow the little shit has been online for over 4 hours today (I turned her screentime off around 9pm last night). She will still be asleep now so presumably she was somehow on her phone from midnight until 4am for her to be online today for 4 hours.

I am planning on physically taking her phone away from her when I get home but I’d like to know how she’s getting around the screentime thing.

So - she dodged a bullet it seems.

But how did she find this boy online? How did he find her?

Has she sent any photos of herself?

You need to dig really deeply into this.

She is a vulnerable girl and not everyone online is benign.

Have you read the OP's responses? Are you for real here? Yes, some girls are very vulnerable (I work with them all the time) bit this is clearly not the case here. You can't place the most extreme narrative over every situation where a teen has done something silly & out of character. Sheesht.

The way you talk so casually about this is horrifying. And she did this before aged 11???

She needs way, way more supervision online. It's not just all the hysterical bollocks about screens rotting their brains - she is in actual physical danger from men online.

Op, sorry if I’ve missed this, but are you going to address her unhealthy screen time by imposing safe limits - like a few hours a day? 15 hours online would be damaging for a perfectly healthy teen, never mind a teen with additional needs.

@Puffalicious it is very much (and very clearly) the case here that this girl is vulnerable to people she encounters online. Unmonitered and unlimited internet access plus this girl who is completely lacking in judgement equals the perfect storm, and the fact she hasn't yet been victimized in the most awful way is down to pure luck.

Her first dodged bullet happened at age 11.
The police had to intervene.
She learned nothing from this or believes she is impervious to harm.

She has been chatting with this boy for a good while, unbeknownst to her mother. She could have been chatting with any number of others, or this boy could easily have been a hairy handed paedo, and she set out to meet him alone and without telling anyone.

Further, she has shown she is deceitful and manipulative - lied, went her merry way, cleaned the house and completely disarmed the OP. And overarching all - naive and immature and very vulnerable to grooming and exploitation.

The OP needs to make sure the encounter didn't involve much more than she has been told.
She needs to see the chats in their entirety.
She needs full access to the phone to see who else this girl is talking to.
She needs to find out how her daughter first encountered this boy online - what app, what site, etc.
She needs to verify the age of the boy.
She needs to find out if this vulnerable child has sent nudes to anyone.

And steps have to be taken to safeguard her.

One of mine had her old phone in her room and would just take out the sim from her phone before she handed it over she could stay on SM. Until zi caught on, obviously.

Don’t disagree about the dangers of meeting men, but deeming it “hysterical bollocks” that spending ten to fifteen hours a day on Tiktok might be impacting her growing brain is…. quite an interesting stance.

Its Ok for a frustrated parent to write that about their child in an anonymous forum
Its not the same thing as you describe AT ALL

25 years ago I was a school refuser. One thing my parents did do right was they never physically forced me to school. Sorry you went through that.

So glad to hear your update. Keep building trust with your daughter, no matter how much you want to scream at times.

You reap what you sow.

MAC address filtering on home router to control WiFi

If she's on mobile data, stop paying for it. Pay for the stingiest package 2gb for the month

So, I can't help you but I have the same system for mine and I can tell you it doesn't work, and I can't work out why either.
My DD is supposed to have 15 mins a day, and I can see she has a lot more. When I have spoken to her about it she says she gets a prompt saying something like 'do you want 5 more minutes' and they can just keep clicking yes forever. So this system basically doesn't work as far as I can see.

I found a trick recently. A lot of the apps they use are age appropriate. So if you do into Screentime | Content & Privacy Restrictions | App Store, Media, Web and Games, in there is Apps - reset the age limit. So when she can have Snapchat and Tikto, I set my 14 nearly 15 year old to 12+, If she's being "grounded" on her phone I set it to 9+. This removes the apps from the screen.

The only way they could by pass it by going through "Safari" but you can block the pages through the Web Content and set to only Approved Websites.

There she can view CBeebies but not much else 😂

Evil or What mwahahahahahaha - its the small victories

I'm anti apple but can you not see the details of the screen time so you know which apps were used. Another option might be parental access through your router if that's available but you'd need the phone to be internet only
via WiFi which I'm assuming apple phones can do.
🤞👍

There are apps you can download on to her phone that remotely turn all the apps off or specific apps off. They can be set to turn off at night or other specific times too. One of them may help?!
stay strong x

Also pleased to read your update. Fingers crossed that things will keep progressing positively from here, and that events mean your DD has absorbed the importance of what went wrong. Good luck with getting her back into a school environment with a routine that will work for her without overloading.

We're having communication issues with DS - who is 19 and at uni; but probably ND and intermittently having major motivation breakdowns. The other week I got cranky with him because I'd been leaving him alone to get on with coursework before term restarted, then discovered he'd done absolutely nothing and would have been available to help around the house. Cue "I didn't ask to live here". I ended up telling him I didn't feel like taking him back to uni the next day. "But you want to". "No actually I don't, I feel like just going to visit your grandmother as planned and not dropping you off on the way".

The next day he was actually being polite and communicative which was a breath of fresh air. I'm hoping we've turned a corner ...

reall?! Calling her a “little sh*t” makes her a real mom 🤣🙄

yes, the phone and any screens would be taken off her completely. And for a longer period of time because of her work around.

Has she got a smart watch linked ?

I’m all for positive reinforcement and rewards for good behaviour but equally, I call my son whatever I please when his behaviour is challenging. I work in SEN so completely understand the fundamentals of all behaviour being communication but for goodness sake, lighten up will you! OP is referring to her child at that moment in time when her behaviour has challenged. She’s not ripping her a new one nor is she berating her and putting her down to her face to make her feel she has to make poor choices in her behaviour for attention. Also, if OP is pissed if then yes that’s about her reaction. Is she not allowed to react to having her teenage child taking the mick by getting around boundaries OP has put in place.

When my teenagers where younger , we had a had a hand your phone over time
every evening,
then ( unbeknown to me ) one of them borrowed an iPad from a mate , they always find a way though to police but , worth the effort.
they are so addicted,
I also confiscated the iPad when I found it actually I’ve still got it years later really wish I could give it back to the girl who lent it to my son. No one knows where she is.!

God I fought the screen time battle with my oldest. He got around so many ways, I'll try and ask him (he had it removed after GCSEs) . One way was that he guessed the password, the other was to do with my settings - glitches like it let him click ignore because of the way I had set it up.

You need to have 'block at downtime ' ticked

My daughter got round every single app/screen time blocker I put in her phone, even one I paid for which was highly recommended. I don’t think they work very well to be honest.

Other way was by going onto my phone when I left it lying about. You can see exactly what they have been on in the settings too, it's not apps updating it's the kids!

My DS has now been diagnosed ASD (aged 20) and is on waiting list for ADHD assessment.

But school said he was fine, and if he actually managed to stay calm one day, it was proof he could stay calm every day if he wanted to, so his issues were just him being naughty.

We just about navigated primary by the skin of our teeth, but secondary was a whole different ball game. Constant change of teacher, moving from room to room, losing belongings, different students in each lesson. He self combusted early in Y8 and never sent him back.

This was the happiest, most stress free, time of his life and he appreciated - and still appreciates - that I understood how out of his depth he was. I put him back into a college for a vocational course a couple of years later. I regret that hugely, bad mistake, all the old anxieties reared up again and he went a bit feral.

I haven't dealt with PDA, but I am aware of it and you seem to be doing a grand job. The reaction of your daughter when you got back shows that. She did wrong, she has accepted she was wrong, apologised to you - and cleaned the house!

Not your age. Door flap books have been around for ever.