To wonder how the hell my dd has done this?

[MamaConchy]

Posting for traffic and I need some iPhone tech help!

Last night my DD age 14 was severely in the dog house and one of the punishments I have given her is to remove her screentime. Unfortunately after I’d retrieved her and dropped her home, I had to leave again for work and I won’t be back home until this evening. Adult DD was also home so she wasn’t alone.

I’ve set her screentime so that it’s basically switched off all day, every day, and her phone is blocked. But I’ve just had a look and somehow the little shit has been online for over 4 hours today (I turned her screentime off around 9pm last night). She will still be asleep now so presumably she was somehow on her phone from midnight until 4am for her to be online today for 4 hours.

I am planning on physically taking her phone away from her when I get home but I’d like to know how she’s getting around the screentime thing.

Yes she will be. The only way she can be retained into the year below is with an EHCP, which she doesn’t have, so she’ll have to start in year 10.

Reconsider? So just don’t send her to school at all?

Yes I get DLA for her but no she has never been at all interested when I’ve suggested private tutors. The school she’s starting at is well used to kids like her, just about everyone there is there because they’re not been able to cope with mainstream. Will have meetings before she starts to formulate a plan but as it stands, she’ll start in the correct year, possibly part time to begin with. If by the end of the year she’s still very behind, and I manage to get an EHCP sorted by then, then she can repeat year 10 next year.

I haven't read all the posts but I do have a daughter with PDA (formally diagnosed twice btw, once by a paediatrician and once by CAMHS).

My advice is to think big picture and not get tied up in details. Main things are to focus on keeping her safe and maintaining your relationship.

Other stuff is irrelevant imo. If she is safe on the phone, well that's better than her going off to meet boys. Like you said, you have to work.

My daughter was obsessed with her phone. It was her way of self regulating and I allowed it. She understood that I understood and it made our relationship stronger - and it made her feel like when I did need something doing, it was important.

Just concentrate on your daughter getting through to 16 when she can reset at college.

I haven't read all the posts but used to work in SEN, I can only imagine how hard work life must be for you at the moment. I understand you wanting to take/limit her phone use but will she really understand why? Only you will really know what she comprehends. I know just how important phones are to them today so If not you could drive a further wedge in between your relationship & just make her sneakier about what she's doing & when. Thats an even worse situation to be in. Could you get the police to talk to her about how dangerous her behaviour was ( to get the message home) and maybe get stricter/check up more on who she's meeting for a while .. check with their parents, make sure you see them actually meet up or she stays in. Thank god she's safe it doesn't bear thinking about 🙈 x

Thank you both, I agree that phones are a normal part of teenage hood these days and the way teens socialise has moved on since I was one in the 90s. And she’s not getting the social time at school either.

Things are still good, I think it’s a relief for her to have been found out and not having to sneak around, in fact it’s gone a bit far the other way, the lines of communication are well and truly open, I feel like I go on mastermind with DD’s new bf as my specialist subject 🤣. She met up with him again today, I’ve spoken with his parents who are lovely. I’m glad that after a bit of a rocky start she now feels that she can talk to me about stuff like that, I remember when I was a teenager, the last person in the world I’d want to discuss boys with was my mum!

The big issue I see is you calling her a name. These things don't generally impart any sense of respect or quietude, which presumably you want.

Check both the Always Allowed - lock that down to bare essentials - and also App Limits. App Limits are harder to get around. Although Downtime resets at midnight I believe so don’t leave devices available overnight.

Set app limits as well, this seems to be harder to get round unless they know the passcode

I have this same issue. I don't think the iphone screen time setting are always reliable. I've been as baffled as you.

Sometimes you need to also block individual app as well as the usual screen time tally. I remember blocking Tik-Tok or Youtube once and then they managed to access them through safari instead. It didn't make sense to me, but seemed to work when I then separately blocked safari.

Also, does she have a 2nd device, like an iPad. I have also noticed that sometime the ipad works once the phone is disabled, so check on that.

I don't trust the settings so, yes, physically taking the phone away would be th best solution.

I think iphones and ipads are the real little shits!

App limits are useless - well they are on both phones I put them on here.

That’s strange!
my kids don’t seem to be able to bypass this! They can do “one more minute” on every app (which could soon add up!) other than that they have to request more time.
whereas screen time can be avoided by changing their time zone!

During the war.....

@Tinkerbell5578 - it doesn't appear to be anything they are doing. I've set it on and watched their phones still allow it. The whole functionality is hot and miss.