Dsis constant comments on children/parenting

[Notlikelysaidthedragontothefly]

I’m 31 and have a 6 year old son with my DH. Each of my siblings have a child except one, my Dsis (36yrs old) who got married back in October. I get on well with each brother and sister and keep in contact regularly.

My Dsis (without any children) is something of a social butterfly: large circle of friends, always has a party, gathering, meet-up of some kind every week. I get on well with my new BiL as does everyone else in the family.
As the story often goes, my Dsis is normally the first to hand out unsolicited (and often unhelpful) advice, opinions and unnecessary remarks (my son has had behavioural difficulties- not diagnosed with anything and has improved dramatically over the past year or so). Everything from ‘you need to tell him “no”- no one ever tells him “no”’ to ‘He’s a spoilt brat)’ (which she said in front of him one day).

To the main point: ever since Dsis got married, whenever she and BiL see any of us, it’s typically in the presence of my son, or nephews and nieces all of which are younger than my son and she’ll make the same comment constantly. There can be chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones. But it always, always, always leads to my Dsis saying ‘yep, we’re definitely still on the fence about having children’ or turning to BiL saying ‘sure you want to consider having children! Haha’. It bothers me, makes me feel I-don’t-know-what. Why does she have to make a comment like that? When someone is managing a small child and all they hear is ‘yep we’re definitely still on the fence…’ and it is constant.
Aibu? I want to address the comments with my Dsis but not sure what to say exactly. I don’t want to start an argument with her, just nip it in the bud. Wwyd? Can someone suggest something I can say to her?

Well the obvious question is do your children get told no, or are they left to run riot?

I think these are normal comments around kids that are having tantrums tbh. I've heard things like this so many times around kids who have acted a certain way.

No, they don’t get left ‘to run riot’.
But the point of my post was about my Dsis remarks.

When me and my cousins were all together as children, and plenty of friends have multiple children who spend time in group settings, there's very very rarely "chaos, screaming, tantrums". It's that's the norm for your children and niblings when they're together then she might have a point.

But the point of that posters comment was your sister might have a point.

The chaos, screaming and tantrums also sounds a bit unusual to me.

I don’t think we ever have that really, and I’ve got a few friendship groups where we can have 10 kids under 5 between us.

Is it possible the kids are allowed to be fairly wild…?

Regarding her comments… well calling someone a spoiled brat is obviously inappropriate, but cracking a joke about being on the fence while being the childless person in a room full of small kids being full on is a pretty standard joke IMO.

edit: honestly if I knew someone whose kids screamed all the time, we would probably stop seeing them. Incredibly annoying.

Sounds like your sister might have a point.

I'd keep schtum. You might regret what else she says.

I wouldn't allow screaming nor tantrums when all the kids are playing at our family parties, and we've had 6 under 5. Occasionally one of the younger kids might be noisy, but their parents step in. It can be loud but nothing like you describe.

I think the comment is a bit annoying, but also common. She's feeling a bit left out, and anchoring back in with the suggestion that she will have kids too soon. Try not to overthink it, and unless you have a funny comment on the day do not address it.

I think many people are perfect parents...until they actually have kids! I don't think she's saying anything that terrible, personally I'd just ignore it and not risk a family drama

Whilst I understand why it’s frustrating, it also seems a normal thing to say around children who regularly tantrum/misbehave. I’ve certainly heard it said more than once and wouldn’t take offence to it, I’d probably jokingly agree.
But that does give you rights to make (kind) “I told you so” type comments if they do have children and you see the same behaviour in their child.

Maybe you should see her without the over excited, screaming, tantrum throwing rioting children.

I think most of us know parents that we think don't say no or expect their children to behave but people don't usually say anything. When it's your sister, rather than a friend, she may feel like she can talk about it in front of you.

Perhaps she's trying to reassure her new husband that if they do have any children their lives won't be like this with the screaming and the tantrums.

I would find her comments a bit irritating, have you tried saying "yes we know that DSis, given that you say it every time we see you!".

Thank you! Short and straight to the point- will give that response a try!

I’d guess she’s laying the groundwork for her fear that she’s left it late and probably years of comments (maybe just perceived) that she’s failed to produce a family like her siblings. If she has difficulty conceiving, she now can say ‘well I didn’t want them anyway’ etc.

Everything she is saying is about her and she’s defensive. I don’t think it’s really about your kid though she may or may not be right.

There's no parent more smug and perfect than the one who doesn't have a child yet. She'll learn the hard way as the rest of us did and you can decide whether to magnanimously support her or gleefully say "Ha, serves you right!".

Ok so a lot of posters are commenting on the ‘behaviour’. Its excitement in a small house (my parents house). It’s not ‘bad’ or ‘poor’ behaviour (I know the terrible two tantrums aren’t exactly positive behaviour).

Sounds like a lot of families on here have perfectly behaved, well-mannered, quiet, polite children. Aren’t you the fortunate ones?

That’s quite insightful- I never thought of it like that.

I could always quote the first sentence of your response- I like that ‘there’s no parent more smug…’. Thank you ☺️

I think you need to be able to acknowledge that you, as well as your sister, may possibly be in the wrong.

Otherwise, what’s the point in asking the question?

Your description of the children’s behaviour does sound a bit annoying - and I live with toddlers so I know what they’re like.

For context, the children’s (my one son, nieces and nephews) behaviour is heightened when we come together at my parents house a couple of times a month. No nieces or nephews actually live with me.

My 13 yo often says to me "this is why I don't want to have kids". The difference is, she's mature and polite enough to say it quietly and discreetly .

Sounds like a lot of families on here have perfectly behaved, well-mannered, quiet, polite children. Aren’t you the fortunate ones?

I agree that it is easy to comment on how to bring up children when you don't have your own.

Does your sister see you telling the children to calm down? Or does it look like (to her) that you don't notice the noise?

DD and her friends used to get excitable and loud, but I used to tell them to keep it down all the time, especially with the screeching. I was very strict about screeching. I don't recall any tantrums during playdates though.

Does your DS screech? Maybe that's why your sister comments.

Excitement doesn’t have to involve, chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones.

It seems like because you think this behaviour is ‘expected’ from kids it’s not stopped or challenged?

By the way, your sister’s social life is absolutely irrelevant here, not sure why you’ve mentioned it? At first it sounded like the family gatherings were at her house, but as they’re at your parents it’s not relevant.

If your sons behaviour isn’t due to a diagnosis it’s just bad behaviour, I don’t think your sister is in the wrong here.

I think as a previous poster says, she’s projecting. Maybe they aren’t sure if they want dc, or one is more certain than the other. I’d just bide my time and say nothing. If he’s falling out with the others, intervene. If he’s making too much noise, intervene or suggest they go outside to play. You’re on it so it’s fine.

You could make a comment back like yes, you said that last time. Just something low key that highlights what she’s saying is upsetting you.

"behaviour is heightened" isn't sounding great. Why is it so heightened for something that happens so regularly? It sounds like the kids need to be told calm down.