Dsis constant comments on children/parenting

[Notlikelysaidthedragontothefly]

I’m 31 and have a 6 year old son with my DH. Each of my siblings have a child except one, my Dsis (36yrs old) who got married back in October. I get on well with each brother and sister and keep in contact regularly.

My Dsis (without any children) is something of a social butterfly: large circle of friends, always has a party, gathering, meet-up of some kind every week. I get on well with my new BiL as does everyone else in the family.
As the story often goes, my Dsis is normally the first to hand out unsolicited (and often unhelpful) advice, opinions and unnecessary remarks (my son has had behavioural difficulties- not diagnosed with anything and has improved dramatically over the past year or so). Everything from ‘you need to tell him “no”- no one ever tells him “no”’ to ‘He’s a spoilt brat)’ (which she said in front of him one day).

To the main point: ever since Dsis got married, whenever she and BiL see any of us, it’s typically in the presence of my son, or nephews and nieces all of which are younger than my son and she’ll make the same comment constantly. There can be chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones. But it always, always, always leads to my Dsis saying ‘yep, we’re definitely still on the fence about having children’ or turning to BiL saying ‘sure you want to consider having children! Haha’. It bothers me, makes me feel I-don’t-know-what. Why does she have to make a comment like that? When someone is managing a small child and all they hear is ‘yep we’re definitely still on the fence…’ and it is constant.
Aibu? I want to address the comments with my Dsis but not sure what to say exactly. I don’t want to start an argument with her, just nip it in the bud. Wwyd? Can someone suggest something I can say to her?

“Do you realise how rude you sound?” In these circumstances seems to shut people up, especially when they think they’re being funny

I don’t think it’s rude not to want to be around screaming chaotic tantruming children.

it is fairly normal for kids to get a bit lively when they get together, so am going to assume the ‘normal’ liveliness is what you are describing and that ‘tantrums/screaming’ etc was a slightly humorous/self-deprecating description that has landed poorly for some PPs here.

Even if it wasn’t, I personally think it’s unacceptable for your DSis to comment the way she does - repeatedly. I am assuming others in the fam have noticed, or is it just you? Because if you are feeling/seeing a collective eye roll then I would actually speak up. ANYONE calling my DC/DNs a ‘brat’ in their presence would be told to leave until they can learn not to behave like a rude and entitled brat themselves. It is beyond rude and, frankly, abusive to the child. Would they sit there and insult you, their boss, a stranger and get away with it? No. So, why is it okay to insult a child?

I’d have words and state that whatever her feelings are about having children with her DH, she needs to learn some bloody manners and keep her opinions on your and your siblings’ parenting strategies to herself or stay away from child centred gatherings. If there is drama it is of her making. She needs to apologise for being rude and insensitive… why should you have to tiptoe around her behaviour and sensitivities when clearly she has no intention of tiptoeing around those of your DC/DNs or their parents?

Just tell her she is being rude, her comments are uncalled for, and to find some manners the next time she comments.

If the comments are constant I’d be inclined to think she’s projecting as it’s not normal to constantly comment on the behaviour of other people’s children (think what you like, keep your mouth shut), even if they are badly behaved.

Think about the possibility that she knows that either her or her DH have known fertility issues, are worried if they have left it too late to conceive, or are on the fence/disagreeing about having DC.

Oh I don't know. I mean I know you would be sensitive about your sibs behaviour but one of my GC is incredibly busy a bit wild / doesn't listen and it dies service as a reality check to the other about the reality of parenting and children's behaviour or how it can be and quite off putting !!

Well tbf if the sister has to put up with poor behaviour at gatherings she probably is within her rights to comment.
What exactly is the behaviour like?

I always feel like this when I see my nieces/nephews, they are so poorly behaved and they are not parented firmly enough, I always say to DH when we leave "thank god that's not us.." (we do have kids, but older, and better controlled!) I don't tell them directly though.

I wouldn't say it is normal for it to be "chaos".

I think you don't like the criticism and you are both in the wrong. You've acknowledged your son has behavioural issues so address those but ask your sister to be polite while you work it through. Apologise if he does anything disruptive etc

Yes she may feel embarrassed at the behaviour in front of husband as they don't have kids yet

I think it would be more normal to comment on children’s bad behaviour if it happens every single time they’re all together, why should people have to deal with screaming tantrums every time?

You could be really bitchy and say something like "yeah, not everyone's cut out for this!"

Maybe she's annoyed that all family gatherings are disturbed by kids creating chaos. Kids should be part or a family gathering not the centre of it

Also, you've no idea what fertility issues she is going through, so this may be a self protective mechanism.

Maybe try look at these gatherings from someone else's perspective.

So maybe don’t attend gatherings if she doesn’t want to be around them but continually saying that basically her nieces and nephews put her off having kids is rude. It’s not so different to someone looking at your hair and saying I’m on the fence about that same hairstyle - it’s not necessary and it’s rude

I would smile and nod and revel in the knowledge that when she does have kids, she’s got it all to come.

She may be annoyed, but at some point the shoe may be on the other foot when DNs have grown up a bit and she is suddenly the one with a creaming 2yo having a tantrum.

If she doesn’t like kids, she should avoid those family get-togethers where they attend and/or suggest some adult only ones. Or just get over herself. It is never okay to offer an unsolicited critique on another people's parenting style/strategies, whether you are related or not. And it is even more the case to never be okay to call a child names.

The only exception would be if the gatherings were happening in DSis’s home that the kids were running riot in (which doesn’t seem to be the case here).

I've lost all fucks to give so would come up with a witty retort along the lines of them coping if they think that's bad.
"Well not all people are cut out for parenting and that's completely OK!"

There can be chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones.

I might expect some of that from small children-2/3/4, but would obviously hope that the parents would be intervening and stopping the screaming and limiting some of the chaos. Maybe she sees this and thinks you aren't intervening when you should be?

I would say, by 6, screaming and tantrums are less typical-he's presumably going into the juniors in the next year so would really benefit from some sort of support with emotional regulation at home.

If you already are doing this and intervening whenever he starts screaming, then fair enough and I'd start with the comment suggested earlier-'yes, thank you-you mention it every time we see you'.

YUP!...we all thought we would do it "better"

When she gives unsolicited advice, why not ask her to step in? If she thinks she knows how to parent your kids better, let her - she’ll find it’s not as easy as you think.

I wouldn’t assume her comments about not being sure come from her own worries about leaving it too late, she’s not said anything to indicate that. I adore my niblings, babysit and I’m very open that I want children - I still joke with my siblings they’re the best contraception around and they say the same about me (there’s a big age gap). A room full of children is intense when you live in a calm peaceful adult house the rest of the time, even normal levels of child behaviour!

Out of curiosity, is your sister making similar comments to your other siblings? Are they also fed up with the judgement?

Perhaps you can stage an 'intervention'. All tell her how irritating it is.

Otherwise just keep repeating 'Okay SuperNanny'

I agree with you OP. Feels like a lot of the righteous answers here come from people who think children should be seen, not heard. There's a difference between young kids being loud, making a mess playing, running around, etc. and kids being spoiled brats and being parented passively. There is a time and a place for kids to play freely and let their excitement be heard, and a time to be settled and calm, for sure, but I really feel for kids who are never allowed to make noise and mess because it inconvenience adults too much.

I'd also say something like "Yes, we know sis, you tell us every time you see the kids!" like another pp suggested. As annoying and frankly hurtful as her comments can be, it'd brush them off as more of a reflection of her than you and your kid.

Agree with her that she may not be suited to it. (None of us truly are for all the challenging parts)
but yes she’s probably projecting. Sounds like a pain though.

Tantrums, which involve screaming, are a really important developmental stage and completely normal... And they do get triggered by being somewhere different, with other kids who want to share your toys and who want to play something different to you. They're not something a parent can "allow" or not. They happen! Even if OP removes her child into another room whilst this is happening, her DSis is still going to witness it and eyeroll.

If you're this defensive about your kids' behaviour on here, I can only imagine how much more defensive you are in person!

I think I have sympathy with your dsis.

@sillysmiles family gatherings disturbed by kids ?!?!?!?!?!?! 🙄* *

If she isn't comfortable with the kids being around because of infertility or other reasons, there are other ways to go about than to make hurtful comments to her siblings. She can organise gathering with her siblings or parents at hers without the kids, she can avoid the gatherings with the kids from time to time, etc. but repeating every time the same hurtful comments is childish and spiteful really.