Dsis constant comments on children/parenting

[Notlikelysaidthedragontothefly]

I’m 31 and have a 6 year old son with my DH. Each of my siblings have a child except one, my Dsis (36yrs old) who got married back in October. I get on well with each brother and sister and keep in contact regularly.

My Dsis (without any children) is something of a social butterfly: large circle of friends, always has a party, gathering, meet-up of some kind every week. I get on well with my new BiL as does everyone else in the family.
As the story often goes, my Dsis is normally the first to hand out unsolicited (and often unhelpful) advice, opinions and unnecessary remarks (my son has had behavioural difficulties- not diagnosed with anything and has improved dramatically over the past year or so). Everything from ‘you need to tell him “no”- no one ever tells him “no”’ to ‘He’s a spoilt brat)’ (which she said in front of him one day).

To the main point: ever since Dsis got married, whenever she and BiL see any of us, it’s typically in the presence of my son, or nephews and nieces all of which are younger than my son and she’ll make the same comment constantly. There can be chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones. But it always, always, always leads to my Dsis saying ‘yep, we’re definitely still on the fence about having children’ or turning to BiL saying ‘sure you want to consider having children! Haha’. It bothers me, makes me feel I-don’t-know-what. Why does she have to make a comment like that? When someone is managing a small child and all they hear is ‘yep we’re definitely still on the fence…’ and it is constant.
Aibu? I want to address the comments with my Dsis but not sure what to say exactly. I don’t want to start an argument with her, just nip it in the bud. Wwyd? Can someone suggest something I can say to her?

Tantrums, which involve screaming, are a really important developmental stage and completely normal...

Not all children tantrum.

Maybe you all need to find a better way to meet & manage the kids? Take them out for a walk together first to the park etc.

Running riot round a small house is no fun for anyone. You parents probably agree

Agree

I’m not defensive, just trying to explain things clearer.

Before you make any kind of passive aggressive comment, how sure are you that your sister isn’t experiencing fertility difficulties?

To be fair when we had family gatherings when the children were small, no it wasn’t chaos with screaming every time. Tantrums were rare and the tantruming child removed upstairs.

Sounds like your sister is annoyed with the lack of action. There is no need to chaos at every visit. We would meet in a small house, that excuses.

Try looking at the behaviour and how it is being dealt with. Might seem cute now, but give it a few years and it won’t be.

Additionally needs are not a get out card for all bad behaviour. Stop making excuses and take a screaming child out of the room to calm down. See if it improves things.

Next time she says we are still on the fence blah blah respond :-
“to be fair if you can’t handle a few hours with kids just being kids then I’d say they aren’t for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, not everyone has the patience and skills to be a good parent”

Your sisters comments are a mix between being bitchy that she thinks she could parent better (it’s amazing how people without kids THINK they could do better and it’s hilarious once they do become parents that all that “wisdom” and advice they shoved down everyone’s throats goes completely down the drain). And the other side of it is that she sounds secretly concerned that she wouldn’t be able to cope being a parent. If she is a social butterfly then her whole world would change having a child and that has to be a worry for her.

If you feel up to it, if she makes a nasty comment about your son being a brat or she comments on his behaviour just say “god I can’t wait until you have a child of your own.” Then just smile and change the subject.

That’s brilliant! 😂

Considering she could well be going through infertility issues this isn’t bitchy it’s downright cruel and insensitive.

What your sister is saying (ie. on the fence about having kids) is really only a typical joke that couples without children will say when they are around kids who are being a bit full on or if they need a nappy change or smear food on their face etc. That's all.

I do wonder if actually it has hit a nerve with you because you are aware an acknowledge in your OP that there are behavioural issues and therefore you are perceiving it as a slight against either your or your child.

Obviously no one on here can judge what the behaviour is actually like - you say chaos, some of the people judging that might view the same behaviour as not particularly chaotic. Or as something far worse.

But either way I think your sister is being a bit rude. Totally understandable to get in the car when she leaves and say to her DH "Jesus, what a bloody nightmare they are!!" But she is essentially pointing at someone's life and going "god I wouldn't want that" in front of them.

OP, this bit in your OP

My Dsis (without any children) is something of a social butterfly: large circle of friends, always has a party, gathering, meet-up of some kind every week.

is completely irrelevant and I’m not sure why you’ve included it unless you’re trying to portray your DSis’s life as rather empty and that she doesn’t have a clue about “real life” I.e life with children. Being the only one in the family who has not had children can actually be difficult at family gatherings.

If someone said this to me in that situation, my response would be "yes, clearly", since you obviously don't have control of the situation.

If her commenting is upsetting you, have a quiet word with her to let her know, ideally when things are quieter and tensions aren't high.

But the issue is not whether my sister has a point or who is in the wrong, it’s the consistency in her ‘mmm, sure we want to consider children babes?’ Or ‘yep, definitely still on the fence for us!’ every single
time she’s at our parents house; saying it loudly and clearly for me and my siblings to hear.

What she's saying is entirely normal, but especially if your kids are annoying.

My brother used to be like this until he had kids of his own...

I agree with the posters raising the possibility that her comments come from a place of fearing that she's left it too late. 'Attack is the best for of defence', if you will. But - to be brutal - if infertility is a problem, it is HER problem, and she doesn't get to make it into YOUR problem. Plenty of people struggle with infertility without hurting those around them.

However - your comment "As the story often goes, my Dsis is normally the first to hand out unsolicited (and often unhelpful) advice, opinions and unnecessary remarks" points to another possibility. It suggests that her comments have been going on for a long time, and predate when she might be have started to worry about her own fertility. She's older than you (is she the eldest?). I wonder if she's the type that thinks her younger siblings shouldn't have anything before she's had it? Whether she wants it or not? And younger siblings should be kept in line (behind her) and ticked off for being uppity and skipping the queue. Yes, it's illogical - much of human behaviour is!

"it always, always, always leads to my Dsis saying ‘yep, we’re definitely still on the fence about having children’ or turning to BiL saying ‘sure you want to consider having children! Haha’."
These are 'new' comments (since only possible since getting together with he husband) and they are completely separate from her moans about her niblings' behaviour - because they are directed at her husband, not the children. I'd suggest there's been conversations where he's said he wants children and she's said she doesn't. Just as she's rude to you about your child, she's rude to him by effectively reinforcing her position in public, in front of her family, making it very hard for him to respond 'actually I'm off the fence now and I want to be a dad'. Can you imagine the ensuing fireworks?

But all this doesn't stop her comments being hurtful and downright rude. so - how to respond?

If she's on her 'you need to tell him “no' track - I'd maybe go with 'actually I need to tell you to stop commenting'.

‘He’s a spoilt brat’ - there's only one brat in this room and it's not him. Have you really got no idea how rude you are being?'

I liked WonderingWanda's "There's no parent more smug and perfect than the one who doesn't have a child yet." (Said with full eye contact and a smile on your face.)

She won't like it. Again; that's her problem, not yours.

The onus is in the parents to actually parent their kids, I attend loads of gatherings with tonnes of family kids, it’s not screaming chaos because people actually parent their children.

Why is that rude? It’s literally her choice to make - if she was saying every time, ‘F this crap I’m not having kids if they’re a shit show like this bunch of reprobates’ that’s rude.

Saying, hmm not sure we want this all the time is literally a factual statement, sounds like you’re just embarrassed about your child’s behaviour and you’re projecting.

I never said it was rude.

Or she could reply, ‘well it doesn’t seem like you’re cut out for it either given the utter chaos that’s going on every single time we’re here’.

Ah I see, so it’s ok to be rude when you don’t agree with someone’s parenting. We obviously live in different worlds of how you treat people if you don’t agree with what they do.

So she’s not allowed an opinion unless it’s the same as yours? What is your point then, if you don’t think it’s rude and you don’t think there’s an issue with your parenting why does it bother you so much?

I think I’d probably say “did you not discuss whether you wanted children before you got married?” Or “I’m sure if you get off that fence and do have children, they’ll be the perfectly quiet type…”