Partner’s personal hygiene at my house…

[PeanutButter95]

I’ve been with my partner for a few months now but as we’ve spent more time together (overnight and days off in a row sort of thing), I’ve noticed a few things about their personal hygiene - especially whilst staying at my house.

When we stay at their house, they usually shower everyday, however I’ve noticed that when we stay at mine - they can sometimes go 2-3 days without showering at all.

I can’t really think as to why this could be, they have showered here before, have stayed here plenty of times so fairly comfortable using things in the house. I have a decent shower, a decent house, I’m fairly laid back about things being used in the house (not a neat freak or anything). It’s starting to bother me a little, especially during sex and intimate things like that, as it’s off putting for me.

AIBU and how do I broach this?

I think it depends on your standards. I shower every day and wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t. To me you’re not “clean and fresh” if you don’t shower every day.

If she's a "partner" then you should be able to talk about this. She's not a fling, not a girlfriend who's a bit of fun, you're committed so just bloody ask her.

It’s usually around once a day… first thing in the morning… she usually falls asleep at night and doesn’t get a chance to…

It just feels like a hard topic to bring up because I don’t want to offend her, make her feel a certain way or make her feel self-conscious about it… because she’s got quite low confidence as it is…

Gross, throw this one back, they'll be at their best hygiene wise this early in the relationship, it will only get worse.

Not sure beating about the bush is an appropriate phrase here op!! But really if you are close enough to be having sex you can say oi pet get in the shower before we go to bed.....

I’ve already noticed a decline in it and it’s only 6-7 months in… she used to be quite on top of it in the early stages when she first started staying round…

You aren't clean and fresh, unless you clean yourself. It might be ok to nor shower, but you need to be washing your pits and bits. It's less hassle to shower.

She's a soap dodger. I couldn't be in a relationship with a Grubby guts.

I very much agree. I'm occasionally a lazy bastard and won't shower for a couple days - but I'll wash my face, brush teeth, brush hair, do a flannel wash, and wear deodorant. HOWEVER I would never ever expect sex on those days!!! If sex is starting to look like it's on the cards, I'll immediately jump in the shower for a nice hot wash everywhere 😬

I think it's the not washing face that is a bit grim - and the expectation of sex if they've not showered.

So today I haven’t showered but am not planning on having sex either ! You really need to be honest with your partner. Cannot understand why she isn’t bothered about her personal hygiene,particularly if sex is on the cards!

I think she's showing you the real person now.
You could talk to her but I suspect you'll see a change initially then this will creep back to her normal - which is how it is now.

i know this gets said a lot on here, but does she have MH problems? Maybe when she’s not at work she doesn’t feel she needs to wash as much and doesn’t have the energy to do so.

I’m not making excuses, I still think if it doesn’t improve you should end it because she should be making the effort to wash for you if not for herself, but perhaps she has MH problems which make self care a challenge, and because she feels comfortable with you and no longer needs to impress you (or so she thinks) she is letting herself go when she doesn’t feel the pressure to be clean and presentable?

I don't think this relationship is going to work if you can't discuss this with her tbh.

Yikes. I can understand not having a shower for a day, but if I'm expecting or predicting sex I would at the very least be having a good scrub in the relevant places. Brushing teeth doesn't cut it.
I'd go along the 'do you feel comfortable showering here?' line and take it from there. Like you say, it sounds like she's becoming complacent, but you need to kindly bring this up sooner rather than later. Sweaty bits is no fun, I'd be mortified.

Probably because it was summer then. I hate showering in the winter so I put it off (especially if I can wait it out until I can have a lovely hot bath in my own home). Is your bathroom maybe colder this time of year?

Grim.
I couldn't be intimate with someone who let their personal hygiene slip like that.
7 months in is the honeymoon period, where everyone is showing their best side.
This will only get worse, particularly as you say it just seems they cba.

You could gently start:

"I love how refreshed I feel after a daily shower—it's such a great way to start or end the day. Do you have a favorite body wash?"
Or
"Let’s take a quick shower before we cuddle up—it always makes me feel extra relaxed."
or
"How about we freshen up before bed? It helps me sleep better."
Turn It Into a Compliment
"I love the way you smell after a shower—it’s really attractive."
This makes the message positive rather than critical.
if the above fails:
Be Honest but Gentle

"Hey, I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but I’ve noticed you don’t shower every day. I really love fresh scents, and I think it would make our time together even better if we both made that a daily habit."

I didn't realise until we hosted a refugee that some cultures find anything less than showering twice a day as not "clean and fresh." They were shocked I only showered once. They weren't from a hot country. They showered before bed and after getting up.

She doesn’t have any MH issues, but I definitely understand this POV as I’ve been there myself before in the past

I hate the cold so I have the heating on whenever I’m at home, so it’s always nice and warm!

Thank you for all the different ways to approach it, I’ll take note!

I really love fresh scents, and I think it would make our time together even better if we both made that a daily habit

That is a really weird way to say it!

I'd have something to say but am not going to indulge this ridiculous 'they'.

Not to derail but many of us don’t brush our hair every day!

Just tell them to have a shower fgs I can’t believe people have sex with someone and can’t tell them to shower if they feel uncomfortable with their partners personal hygiene habits.

My DC was shocked how many of their housemates did not shower everyday when they started Uni. My DC showers twice a day if they have been to the gym. Also DC was surprised how many don’t change their bedding every week too!

You have your standards they have theirs. Either they change or you do or you find someone who showers daily 😂