To change their surname to mine?

[Timeisaheala]

Long story short but without drip feeding, I have 2 children with my ex boyfriend. We never married, we’ve split 5 years ago and in that time he has married the other woman and has 2 children with her. My children have his surname, as does his wife and his two children with her. It hurts me that she shares the same surname as my children but I never will.

aibu to use my surname for my children? For context dad is not in the picture anymore and has very very limited contact.

What would he say y if you said "I'm intent on us sharing a surname so want to change the children maiden name. Alternatively I will change my name to theirs"

The new wife may feel rather unhappy about the latter and it might be enough to get him to agree

If you had to take it to court they would be very unlikely to remove his but would certainly double barrel to include yours.
I would write to him to ask to change to yours as say the children are upset having a different name to you and want yours. Then if he refuses ask him to double barrel. If he still refuses say that you'll go to court and they'll definitely do it but that's a lot of time and money wasted and does he really want to put you all through that. If he refuses still go to court.

Other people I know have been questioned on whether they were the parent of their child.

You can't do that without dad's consent. And if you do then you'll have big problems when you come to renew their passports.

I have never had the same surname as any of my children and travelled all over and I've never been asked about parentage.

OP, afraid, you need his consent to change their names as others have said.

Last time I went away on a sports trip I had no issue.

two mums with same name got stopped and “interrogated”. Because they’d assumed having the same name meant they wouldn’t get stopped, they didn’t have a consent letter from dad.

one nearly missed the flight as dad was driving to work and they couldn’t get hold of him to check consent.

in reality everyone needs consent of all those with PR to travel. Names are irrelevant. Think of all the cultures where having the same name isn’t the norm…they still travel.

Yes your hands are tied. You can't change their names without his permission. Not by deed poll or in any other way. They can change their names at 16.

Like I’ve just said, I know people with the same name who’ve been stopped, questioned, asked for birth certs and consent letters.

having the same name is not proof of parentage. Could be aunt, grandparent, surnames aren’t unique and random strangers can have the same surnames.

I’ve already socially changed their names as in they use my name themselves and for activities, non legal registrations and things. It’s more just legally I suppose. I definitely wouldn’t want to change my name to his and hers, it’s a small enough community and I think it would make me look silly to be honest given he married her but wouldn’t didn’t marry me

It really does baffle me the amount of women on here who think the ‘right’ thing to do is give the child the mother’s name. Why? The father is an equal parent and if both parents are on the birth certificate then the fair thing to do is double-barrel.

mothers do have the right to choose their child’s name though.

you can make the case for it being the mothers name all you like, the bottom line is those mothers are choosing to give their children dad’s name.

every woman her could have given their children their name. Nothing stopping them.

so your argument is moot. Until women stop with the name changing and “proud to be a Mrs” stuff.

it seems insane to me that women say having the same name as their children is so important to them, yet they still take on men’s names, give their children different names or whatever.

if having the same name is so important keep your name and give it to your kids. If being married and taking his name is important to you, do that. But have the courage of your convictions and don’t be changing the kids names when you get divorced or dad leaves.

You need his permission my daughter has mine and her father’s surname and I can’t even get rid of his despite having mine too! Need permission. He would never give it so stuck with it till 16.

I have, travelled with my DH and DC’s. As explained upthread DD had her bio father’s surname on her passport. I was still on my maiden name on my passport and DH and the other DC’s had the same name. DD and I were questioned at the French border coming back home about parentage. So yes it does happen although not often.

I’ve been stopped more travelling with my younger children - who I share a name with - than I ever was with my older children who don't

It’s simply more common to have questions asked when travelling now. Child safety is taken much more seriously. It’s not about names

Re the travel with different surnames issue, we have been stopped and questioned quite vigorously several times. Child even commented that that they had travelled alone aged 14 through the same airport the week before and no one batted an eyelid, but travelling with me as a parent with different legal surname raised flags. Understandably looking out for trafficked children but still unpleasant for me as their sole care giver.

Maybe I should have changed my name upon marriage to avoid this but I didn’t want to. ExH had a conniption when I suggested using my surname for our child. Also understandable given convention. He still walked away from us a year after birth on the grounds that he was no longer getting enough attention.

changing names won’t avoid it though.

people with different surnames experience what you have, but so do people with the same name. Like I said friends with same name were nearly prevented from boarding as they couldn’t provide birth certificates and letter of consent as they’d assumed it was only for those with different names.

It is more likely you were stopped as a single adult with children. Parental abduction is increasingly common so checks are made to ensure you’re not taking the child without the other parent’s consent. It’s not a name thing.

I would keep doing this for now. Make sure it is the surname they use at school too. Then, when they are both at secondary school, I’d sort out the legal change of name by deed poll so that their passports and exam certificates match their everyday use. That way they are old enough to express an opinion. If it’s what they want, an absent father won’t have much traction.

Babies were historically always given their mother's name on birth. It's just that traditionally the mother had already taken the man's name. Somewhere along the line we stopped taking the man's name, but kept giving it to our babies.
In the hospital they are automatically "baby mother's surname" and if you want them to have your husbands name, you need to change it to that. It should become the norm we just give them our name.
In fact men can take our name too. They've had long enough.

Ok.

This man clearly isn’t an equal parent.

This

Kids should always have their mother's name given the vast majority of single parents are women doing the vast majority of the work. Far more practical.

Family court will happily add yours. It's a common application.

One of the reasons to get a CAO on divorce then you don't need their consent.