To change their surname to mine?

[Timeisaheala]

Long story short but without drip feeding, I have 2 children with my ex boyfriend. We never married, we’ve split 5 years ago and in that time he has married the other woman and has 2 children with her. My children have his surname, as does his wife and his two children with her. It hurts me that she shares the same surname as my children but I never will.

aibu to use my surname for my children? For context dad is not in the picture anymore and has very very limited contact.

Yes. You can go to court to ask but best you'll probably get is double barrelling. No reason for the court to refuse that however.

Don't change it unofficially. That just causes problems for the children later on. And most schools are now aware they need permission of all parties with PR so won't use unofficial name changes.

Officially you'd need his permission to change it. Do you think he'd give that?

If I had my time again, I'd have given my DC my surname. But I didn't and my XP never saw our twins after the age of 4. They're now adults.

However, it's really really important IMO not to place adult hangups on children. Once a child is named, their name is THEIR name. They forge their own identity around it. They are not an extension of either parent (or their respective families) but an individual in their own right. This is what I told my DC when they brought it up when young - because they did. By the time they reached secondary school they no longer cared and had internalised the message I gave them. I'll be honest that I was doing the whole 'fake it til you make it' approach with this as I definitely would have changed their name had I been able, but actually it was good advice and I think has contributed to the lack of scarring my DC seem to have about a father who hasn't been a part of their lives.

However, you can often change their names for everyday use without XP's permission by the way - just not officially. So the school might well agree to refer to them as Child's first name your surname, but their exam certificates, etc will have to use their legal name. That might be an option but could be confusing.

Why are you even asking? Change change change.shouldnt have had his name in the first place.

She’s asking because she needs advice and she’s got it. It’s not as simple as change change change if the father has PR.

You need his permission, but you can use your surname in school etc. just tell school that they are to be known as your surname.

You can change it without his permission.. He could take you to court to have you change it back if a judge deemed it in the dc's best interests.. Ime...

All those saying use it at school etc are going to cause the children problems as when they get to do exams or in anything official like simply going to a&e they will use the wrong name.

As they are now in school the best thing is to wait until they start secondary school and ask them what name they want. Then work out then the best way to do that.

Also for the rest of their life they are going to have to state they had a different name. I know plenty of people who have changed or modified their names, including myself, and we have to always state that we do not have our birth name.

I think you will have to get permission from their father. You could tell him that the kids want the same name as you so if he doesn't agree you will have to change your name to match his, which might be a bit confusing/ upsetting for his wife

@Timeisaheala deed poll??

His wife would be silly.

Plenty of people have the same last name and are not blood related or related in anyway especially if is a common name like Smith, Brown etc.

You'll need your ex's consent to change their surnames legally. Will he do this?

I changed my sons name.

His dad has parental responsibility but hasn't seen him since he was 6 months old ( now nearly 16 ) He was arrested for DV against me when DS when 6 months. He never paid a penny, even after chasing through CMS, he just disappeared off the face of the of the earth.

I just did a deed poll before son was starting school as he didnt want to be questioned about his name and no dad, I ticked the box that said he didn't have PR and then changed it everywhere.

The only place his 'old' name is is his passport and that will be until he's 16 and can legally change it himself.

Was it right, no, but it was what my son wanted and there was no way I was looking for him to seek permission after the DV.

You need to be 16 to do a deed poll without parental permission.

BTW some of my friends changed their last names when their were 9-13 years old. Then when they got older they had to do a deed poll to stop questions being asked about their name change as various laws had changed over identity and it was the easiest way to deal with it.

She can't without the other parents consent.

Unless you're sentimentally attached to your name, why not change it to your children's? Might be easier.

I've done this (but we were married and got divorced, I went back to maiden name). You'll need him to agree. We agreed to double-barrel child's last name.

If the father’s name is on the birth certificate you cannot change the child’s surname without permission from the father. It’s the law.

If you can't change their names without his permission, and he won't give it....you can change yours. You don't need his permission to use the children's surname. Marriage or divorce has nothing to do with it. Obviously not so good if you hate the name...or you could ask to change their name legally and if he refuses tell him that you will have his name instead...he might not like that idea!

Did you put your name last and do it without a hyphen?

As most places in the UK get confused by double barrel names in this format and just use the last name.

Not without father’s permission. It has to be agreed by everyone with parental responsibility. DHs ex tried this but DH complained to LEA and school had to change it back. Tbf he had joint custody and very involved (50/50 with each parent) but ex simply wanted all her children to have same surname ( as her new husband). She should have got him to change his surname to DHs really! Or not married DH in the first place which would have made my life so much easier

Hope this helps. https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

I know a child whose documents all say "Anna White" and she went by that until she was around 7 and then she changed to use her mum's name so she was known as "Anna Brown". When she started high school she reverted to "Anna White" because that's what she is legally called and her Young Scot Card which is used for school lunches and for free bus travel is in that name. I have never heard her mention her dad so I don't know if he is on the scene.

Another young person I know uses his mum's name. Dad is on the birth certificate and his name is what the young person is registered with (the parents were married). He desperately wants to legally use his mum's name as he doesn't want anything to do with his dad but it's the one hold that the dad still has over them and he refuses to give permission for the name change. He is counting down the days until he is 16 and can change it because school has to use the name on the birth certificate and it is a constant reminder to him of his dad.