To change their surname to mine?

[Timeisaheala]

Long story short but without drip feeding, I have 2 children with my ex boyfriend. We never married, we’ve split 5 years ago and in that time he has married the other woman and has 2 children with her. My children have his surname, as does his wife and his two children with her. It hurts me that she shares the same surname as my children but I never will.

aibu to use my surname for my children? For context dad is not in the picture anymore and has very very limited contact.

I’m not changing my name when it would then be the same as his and his wife’s. That just looks pathetic.

How would they know? To anyone but your ex and his wife you’d be changing yours to be the same as your children’s. He doesn’t own the name, it’s legitimately theirs. And presumably hundreds of thousands of other people’s unless it’s very unusual.

If he doesn't allow the change of children, tell him you are changing yours to match the kids, if hands tied otherwise I think that's what I'd do

I don't think it's pathetic, anyone who asks just say I want to have the same name and my children, and the father, who isn't involved with them, won't allow the change.
I'd be applauding and championing any mum who did this, not thinking you were pathetic

Yanbu. But if he's on the birth certificate you need his permission. Which you probably won't get and can't argue against, because patriarchy.
You can't even double barrel it without permission which is especially galling.

My kids have my surname added on everything non-official. But for school register, passport, nhs and bank accounts it's just their dads name.

If he doesn't consent it's unlikely the courts would give you permission to do this.

No, you can get a court order. I think double barrel is more likely to be agreed to than a change to yours only though. Go for it!

You do not have to change their name legally at this stage. Just use a “known as” name for the GPs and school. When they are 16 change by deed poll and catch everything up then.
I did this with my DD who was born just after the law change in 2003 which meant I couldn’t change it legally without Dickhead’s permission. The only thing she had to put up with was her passport has to be in legal name but she was okay with that. We did deed poll on her 16th birthday and applied for bank accounts, driving license and everything else after with no issues and her latest passport has her new name too.

This is the easiest and simplest way to do it.

Just to add we had no problems using a known as name with the GP’s and therefore the NHS as a whole.

Who cares what it looks like to him and his wife? You are only responsible for how you and your children feel. I’d give him the choice, you need to have the same surname as the kids for practical purposes (like travel etc) so either he gives permission to change their names, or you change yours to his. Maybe he’d compromise on double barrelling?

You could change your name to be like theirs.

With PR he needs to give his ok for this. As others have said you could likely get double barrelled if you find that suitable.

This is no longer easy to do. Schools and GPs are much more aware now that they should not be changing surnames without the permission of all parties with PR.

You will need to ask the children what their preference is. They maybe young but that’s still their identity. Personally if I was unmarried my kids would have my name to begin with.

Won’t you need to get his permission to change their name anyway?

This is what we did and it worked well.
The school also accommodated the double barrelled name.
It also prevented various people related to the children’s life from calling me by Ex’s name by default.

Most people who change their names will be changing it to the same as their mother in law anyway.

I’m of the opinion you chose their names at birth and they should keep those names.

i don’t have a problem with any woman giving their child their dad’s surname. But you do so with the knowledge that circumstances may change etc and if having the same surname is a big deal for you give them the surname you have when they’re born, not the surname you hope you’ll get in future. If you do marry later he can change his name if the same surname is important.

So no, o/p, I wouldn’t change their names. You do realise in every form they fill in, passport, jobs etc they will need to produce their deed poll certs and evidence their legal name change? If they marry and change their names they’ll be having to declare and document deed poll and marriage certs.

don’t do it to them. I’d change my name by deed poll if we really wanted the same name. Plus you don’t need his permission for that.

I dont understand this. My children have taken their father's surname and I didn't change mine upon marriage. Why is it important to have the same surname?? Am I missing something?

Sorry, just reread it
Ignore me!

Travel where they interrogate you and/or your child depending on their age.

Otherwise no-one cares.

Now you both will not ever share a surname, changing to double barrelled is the fairest option.

Unclear from your post if the children are old enough to have an opinion?

People will start talking about it being easier to travel and other myths.

it makes no difference practically. You can still travel with your children, and won’t be any more likely to be stopped.

i am the same, never changed my name. I have not had one negative issue having a different name to my kids.

quite a lot of positives though, including the fact that dh is automatically added to all school and clubs social media etc, as they can’t find me :). So I get out of all that 😂

Travelled with my boys without their dad before. No one batted an eyelid.