Moving in together

[krustyburger1]

Would you move in together with someone you've not spent an entire weekend with?

I'd be interested to know what people think. I've been with my DP for 18 months, been friends for 10 years. He's started talking about moving in together within the next year but due to the fact he has his teenage DC with him every weekend, we've never actually spent a full weekend together, just the two of us.

Obviously no issue with him having his DC, but I don't think it'd be wise to move in together when we've never actually spent a solid few days together, alone. DP disagrees.

Your DC back from university can look after the cat and fend for themselves for the holiday.

You can't take your cat but you can take on board his stepchildren?

Nah, stay where you are and enjoy your time with your cat. Moving in together can wait. And it is to your advantage to wait and know more before you combine households.

If he has his child 50:50 then he must have times he can stay at yours for more than one night?

I think the question is less about how many nights you've spent together (I think he easily could spend more with you if he made the effort), and more about how ready you are to be a step-mum.

No 🏃‍♀️🚩

@Greyish2025 If we moved in together it wouldn't be until I felt like we'd spent enough time alone together. I've had my cat for 18 years - he won't be going anywhere bless him!

I married someone I'd never lived with.
I don't see the problem really

I’m not so worried about him. OP would also be living with his DC at least fifty per cent of the time.

Why doesn't he stay at yours weeknights?

You wait to move three people in until you've spent long periods of time together to know if you're actually compatible and until his teens are 18 or out of the home..

He comes with two teens. Living together along with possibly having your kid or kids in the mix is a whole different kettle of fish. Do you want your kid or kids to feel pushed out by a new family? Do you want to cart around teens again?

@JimHalpertsWife He does some nights but he actually has his DC more than the 50/50 so more often than not they are at his.

Moving in with someone with no assets is a problem when you’re the homeowner. It will always feel like ‘your’ home, because it is, and it’s a bit depressing when your partner has nothing to bring to the table in order to build a future together. At least that’s my experience. Is he saving up money for his future?

Have a Monday -to Friday holiday?

Also, self-employed people can get mortgages. Why was he a risk?

You have a grown up DC who is only home for holidays and a lovely cat.

he has no assets, but has teens instead, WHY would you even consider moving in?

Having your separate households and continuing the relationship is the best way forward. After his DC move out and hopefully by then you've spent enough time together you can get a rental place together and rent out your house. Marriage wouldn't even be a consideration if I were you. Protect yourself.

The fact that you don't want to but are still posting on Mumsnet to see if you are reasonable or not is not a good sign. If you think it's too soon just say a straightforward 'no' and don't let him raise it again. If he respects your 'no' then all well and good. If he keeps nagging you about it then that would be concerning.

So now you say he actually has his children more than 50/50 ?!!!

even more red flags appearing.

What is his motivation?
He seems to have got his plan already.
You haven't even spent the whole weekend together yet
You say you've been friends for years, but it's a completely different when you're in a relationship.
Be very careful and non committal to these ideas
Be aware he might well have a hidden agenda which will become clear in time

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon It's supposed to be 50/50 but I've definitely noticed it creeping up over the last few months!

Is your house big enough for all of them to move in ?

why don't you rent out your home, and the two of you find a large enough property for all of you including your dc and cat to live n, and you pay 2/5ths or whatever would be fair to you to compensate him having his children so much of the bills to compensate for his family being larger than yours

or of course you could date for a few years then when all the children are grown up then move in together

I think you’d be stupid. You don’t know him and his baggage!

What is the rush?
Keep the status quo until his kids are older

Agreed

If the banks won't give him a mortgage OP, there is more to this than meets the eye. Even self employed people can get a mortgage, so you need to find out WHY he can't get one. This would be VERY important to me, because if you ever want to own a home jointly, presumably HE will need a mortgage to pay his 50%.

Do you want him to move in?

@VaddaABeetch I'd like to live together eventually. I don't feel comfortable living with someone who I've not spent any significant chunks of time with though.

Then don't! Simples!