Moving in together

[krustyburger1]

Would you move in together with someone you've not spent an entire weekend with?

I'd be interested to know what people think. I've been with my DP for 18 months, been friends for 10 years. He's started talking about moving in together within the next year but due to the fact he has his teenage DC with him every weekend, we've never actually spent a full weekend together, just the two of us.

Obviously no issue with him having his DC, but I don't think it'd be wise to move in together when we've never actually spent a solid few days together, alone. DP disagrees.

Just what I was thinking!
OP, what is his place like? Is it clean and tidy? Is there a reason he rents?
My ex expected me to do all the cleaning and tidying as I owned the house, he paid rent and I'd "have to do it all anyway" if he wasn't there

It depends on where you're moving into and what your relationship is like at the moment e.g. if you only see each other on "dates" then I'd be concerned about some of the things that @DPotter mentions but if you're used to seeing each other on a more mundane day-to-day basis (I do dinner & tv evening after work 2-3 times a week with my bf when there's always stuff like bins to put out and laundry to do) then i think you have a better idea of what you're letting yourself in for.
It would also depend on the housing arrangements for moving in given that you've got property and he rents. Are you planning to buy together, move into one of the properties, how are you going to protect yourself if you were to split up and haven't got your own home still??
And I would want a very firm agreement over arrangements for the teenagers i.e. that you are not financially responsible for them (in choosing a house this should mean he pays the difference in cost due to the number of extra bedrooms you'll need), food bills etc or generally being their chauffeur and household assistant.

@Kim5678 Yes his house is immaculate, it has been for the 10 years I've known him. He's self employed and from what I can gather lenders thought he was too high risk on his own.

Do you keep your house immaculate, or are you more laid back? If more relaxed, that could be a source of tension.

I wouldn’t necessarily worry about not having spent much time together if you’re moving to a new place together that you can work out routines, what works for both of you etc. . But I’d be more worried if he moves into your place that he doesn’t know your routines and how you place works. I think that makes a massive difference and is often very underlooked.

And also I wouldn’t buy somewhere together til you’ve sanity checked that you can live together.

So when you spend time at his house are his children there? Are you all together? And how do you handle things like chores, cooking, cleaning etc? Because I think whether or not you can be together a lot is less of an issue if you're already broadly spending time together but more whether you can mesh your lives together, including the way the DC are or what they need.

The OF COURSE he wants you to move in together. He wants to avoid paying rent!

Be as careful as lenders.

So he’s looking to move himself and his two teenagers into your house? That’s a very different prospect to you moving into his house or buying somewhere together purposely chosen to accommodate everyone.

i wouldn’t be agreeing to this.

I mean… I know this is mumsnet but it sounds like the bloke can’t win here. Messy house and he’s a slob, tidy house and he’s not relaxed enough…

I would not like with anybody I was not engaged to but that’s me!

I am not sure I see the issue with moving in with somebody you have not spent a weekend with - I would think this tends to be normal?

Oh to add I would not live with anybody with dependant kids either.

And again, he can’t win

he wants to pay and people will say he’s just after a share of the house and not let him pay. He doesn’t and he’s a freeloader.

you don’t know his proposal, and whether he’s avoiding paying anything!

Do you spend weekends there with him and his children?
Is it possible for you or him to spend the weekdays at the others home to see what it's like?

@Whatifitallgoesright Yes but not the whole weekend - the DC has sport on both days.

I think the point there is to ascertain whether their styles of living mesh well. Differences in approach can be a source of tension.

OP would be wise to take any necessary action to prevent from him staking a claim over her house. That would not, however, prevent him from covering his own expenses and those of his children.

for the love of God.

No.

To clarify.

No no no no no

Well if cours he does now he Doha e a woman there to do it for him. My ex used to really impress me how much of an involved father he was and how he did his cooking and cleaning. All that changed very fast once we lived together.

Aside from the kids and domestic labour side of things you own your house. Don't let a man move in unless he's bringing the equivalent assess to a relationship.

You are worried about moving in having not had proper time together. Ask yourself WHY he's not got the same concerns?

How do you feel about him moving in?

How fo you feel about his children moving in?

Why can’t you wait until his children are adults?

What’s in it for you?

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding.

If you just want a roommate to have sex with, then fine, whatever, but if you want a lifetime, living together first is not the way to do it.

Hell to the NO!
Not until you've spent considerable time taking turns staying at each other's including with his DC

If you really want to do it then you move in with him. Do not go on the tenancy so you won't be liable for the rent and can leave easier. Rent your house out to cover the mortgage and pay some rent and bills to live in DP house. Tell him if it works that after 5 (or more) years you would consider moving in together in a house you own- if he's after your house that should scare him off.

You didn't say if you have kids yourself? My opinion would change if you do. Then I'd say you need to be spending multiple weekends and weeks at a time staying at his house before putting tenants in your house. With kids they should always be prior and if the families don't blend well then you need a fast exist available. Possibly best not to blend until your child/ren are adult really but it's a juggling act of being the best parent you can be but also happy. Unhappy parents are not the best they can be I do think many posters on mumsnet miss that

He wants to MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE and have his children every weekend ?!!!

So he no longer pays rent to his landlord

your costs will rise greatly

and what does he get out of it ?

and because he is self employed mortgage lenders think he is too much of a risk

BOLLOCKS

🚩🚩🚩

Really OP you need to spend some meaningful time together before you cohabit permanently. Of course he would like more money in his pocket so wants to save on rent for himself and his child.

I moved in with my husband of 19 years 4 years before I married him. When I was 19. My sister the same, she's been married 25 years in may. I'm not going to marry someone who I later find out I can't cope living with.