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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving in together

104 replies

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 13:35

Would you move in together with someone you've not spent an entire weekend with?

I'd be interested to know what people think. I've been with my DP for 18 months, been friends for 10 years. He's started talking about moving in together within the next year but due to the fact he has his teenage DC with him every weekend, we've never actually spent a full weekend together, just the two of us.

Obviously no issue with him having his DC, but I don't think it'd be wise to move in together when we've never actually spent a solid few days together, alone. DP disagrees.

OP posts:
Greyish2025 · 16/01/2025 15:51

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 13:35

Would you move in together with someone you've not spent an entire weekend with?

I'd be interested to know what people think. I've been with my DP for 18 months, been friends for 10 years. He's started talking about moving in together within the next year but due to the fact he has his teenage DC with him every weekend, we've never actually spent a full weekend together, just the two of us.

Obviously no issue with him having his DC, but I don't think it'd be wise to move in together when we've never actually spent a solid few days together, alone. DP disagrees.

No, I wouldn’t,
can you try a temporary move in, like spending Monday to Friday with him for a while and then some weekends whilst still keeping your own accommodation

Beezknees · 16/01/2025 15:54

LifeExperience · 16/01/2025 15:34

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding.

If you just want a roommate to have sex with, then fine, whatever, but if you want a lifetime, living together first is not the way to do it.

Not everyone wants to get married!

AdventureCode · 16/01/2025 16:03

He has the children every weekend?
Does he pay their mother maintenance?

I'd make doubly sure he wasn't using his self employment to avoid paying cms, and that's why the banks won't give him a mortgage. But them I'm cynical as sadly men like that almost follow the same manual.

TwistedWonder · 16/01/2025 16:04

LifeExperience · 16/01/2025 15:34

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding.

If you just want a roommate to have sex with, then fine, whatever, but if you want a lifetime, living together first is not the way to do it.

Very different to my experience as I don’t know a single couple who didn’t live together for at least a couple of years before getting married.

It’s nothing like a ‘roommate to have sex with’ it’s starting out a long term committed relationship buying a house first.

Original poster
krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 16:06

@AdventureCode He has the DC 50/50, which includes every weekend. Doesn't pay maintenance but buys DC everything that they need.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 16/01/2025 16:13

LifeExperience · 16/01/2025 15:34

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding.

If you just want a roommate to have sex with, then fine, whatever, but if you want a lifetime, living together first is not the way to do it.

Victorian attitude

ThejoyofNC · 16/01/2025 16:27

LifeExperience · 16/01/2025 15:34

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding.

If you just want a roommate to have sex with, then fine, whatever, but if you want a lifetime, living together first is not the way to do it.

Completely agree.

Diomi · 16/01/2025 16:28

If you really wanted to move in with him, you wouldn’t be consulting randoms on mumsnet about it.

Billydavey · 16/01/2025 16:35

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 16:06

@AdventureCode He has the DC 50/50, which includes every weekend. Doesn't pay maintenance but buys DC everything that they need.

I think that’s a good thing but no doubt someone will be along shortly to say he’s only doing that to avoid paying.

I think when moving in you should just be very clear on who pays what so it’s fair. No-one should be getting a free ride.

also don’t underestimate the impact of it still being your house not a shared one, and think about how to make it feel like both of your home.

peachystormy · 16/01/2025 17:22

Hell to the no

Original poster
krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:26

For those of you saying we need more time together first, how do we do that if he has his DC every weekend?

OP posts:
peachystormy · 16/01/2025 17:27

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:26

For those of you saying we need more time together first, how do we do that if he has his DC every weekend?

well exactly..are you ready to be a stepmum ?

MrsDefrost · 16/01/2025 17:29

LifeExperience · 16/01/2025 15:34

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding.

If you just want a roommate to have sex with, then fine, whatever, but if you want a lifetime, living together first is not the way to do it.

Well, as Op owns her house she would be wise not to marry him. Come the divorce she could lose her home.
Op - you'd be mad to move him in.

There are so many bloody red flags with this I don't know where to start. Maybe start by telling him that this is absolutely not on the cards for at least a year and you don't want to discuss it for 12 months. Tell him it would be important to you that you had spent much more time with him than you do now, and probably with his kids. If he dismisses that then you know what your answer should be.

MrsDefrost · 16/01/2025 17:30

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:26

For those of you saying we need more time together first, how do we do that if he has his DC every weekend?

Have him and his DC to stay with you for some weekends. Get to truly experience what it's like to host someone else's contact time with their kids.

Greyish2025 · 16/01/2025 17:32

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:26

For those of you saying we need more time together first, how do we do that if he has his DC every weekend?

Can you stay during the week?

DPotter · 16/01/2025 17:33

I have never understood the urge to live with someone before marriage. In all of the long-term marriages I know, and I know many including mine, the couple moved in together after or within a day or so of the wedding

I guess it depends upon your social network and demographic as quite to the contrary I know few in a long term marriage who did not live together pre marriage.

Just goes to show there are many ways to live a life.

Gnomea · 16/01/2025 17:33

Can’t you do a trial run? Like one of you moves in with the other for a month to see how it goes before you fully commit?

Redcandlescandal · 16/01/2025 17:41

He has his DC 50/50? So you would become a proper stepmother.

Do you want to live with this bloke and his children? Or would you prefer to carry on dating for now?

I am always very suspicious of single parents, dads especially, who are very keen to marry be in together and offload their children on someone.

I believe Nanny with a Fanny is the phrase.

namechangeGOT · 16/01/2025 17:42

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:26

For those of you saying we need more time together first, how do we do that if he has his DC every weekend?

Well, you're gonna have to have his kids every weekend if you do move in together! Why do you not live together in the week?!

Cynic17 · 16/01/2025 17:44

Absolutely not. You need to at least spend a few weeks together before committing (and before one of the couple gives up their existing property).

JimHalpertsWife · 16/01/2025 17:50

Do you want to spend all weekend being either dragged to the dcs sports or not seeing him because he is (rightly) doing the sports?

Cm19841 · 16/01/2025 17:51

Do you live close to each other?

You need to live together for a reasonable period while maintaining two properties. This is how you road test if living together would work out. He pays his bills. You pay yours.

When he has his child you live with him. When he doesn't have his child he stays with you. And you let it go on that way until you are sure you are not being conned into becoming the cleaner, the nanny and the wallet he has sex with.

Once you give up your home (or let someone share it) it isn't easy to get it back. It's not worth the risk. DC stepchildren are also a whole other challenge (and responsibility!)

Original poster
krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:51

For those asking why I don't live there during the week, my DC went to university in September so is back here during the hols (although I'm not sure how long that'll last). I also have an elderly cat that I can't take to his.

OP posts:
Original poster
krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:53

@Cm19841 About 25 minutes from each other.

OP posts:
Greyish2025 · 16/01/2025 17:54

krustyburger1 · 16/01/2025 17:51

For those asking why I don't live there during the week, my DC went to university in September so is back here during the hols (although I'm not sure how long that'll last). I also have an elderly cat that I can't take to his.

But if you moved in with him eventually what is going to happen to the elderly cat