Ways to address smelly husband or AIBU

[Painauraison]

Are most men smelly and don't take care of their hygiene needs??

I need ways to address this because what I have tried doesn't work! Or is this me?

I feel like my husband smells 🤣
My main issue is that he doesn't floss unless I moan at him to do it and I feel like his breath smells very badly, I can smell it when he's sitting next to me. He doesn't want to go to the dentist either.

I go downstairs quite early in the morning and when I come back up to get ready I can't cope with the smell of the bedroom - farts, sweat and bad breath. I asked him to shower at night but he won't. So I open the window wide but then he complains it's cold. He doesn't take much care with his appearance at all, which I fond lazy considering the amount women do.

The conversation usually goes with me trying to address it nicely, him denying it and causing a row. I'm at a loss of what to do! I may be getting the ick...

He's obsessed with work. Answers the work phone 16 hours a day. Can't help with kids because 'he has to work'. I work too, from home (36 hours over 3 days) but still sort the house and kids. He empties the dishwasher so that's his contribution that he doesn't let me forget. I feel like I'm an idiot and seeing this is a whole new light...

Someone will groan and say "there's always one", but: help with kids only applies to him if (1) the two of you have divided up childcare responsibilities equitably (which may mean more falls on you BECAUSE you work shorter hours and therefore have more "free" time) and now he's helping with your part in addition to having done his own because you're unwell or away or especially busy OR (2) they are not his children but he is helping you with them because you're his partner and he loves you and wants the household to run smoothly.

Otherwise, parenting is his responsibility as much as yours and so are any shared household responsibilities. Start with 50/50, then adjust as necessary if one of you has more legitimate outside time commitments (work, long commute, extended family, etc). And if you do split up, he takes on 50% of the parenting/childcare then too, and that means BOTH time and money.

(This isn't a criticism of you, but a reminder of basics that too often get forgotten. It shouldn't have to be said, but toxic cultural norms mean a weirdly high proportion of men vs women do think they can shirk, and a weirdly high proportion of women vs men end up accepting and living with that.)

Ewww he sounds vile. I couldn't share a bed with him. I really feel for you.

I care for a male relative who is disabled. He does not smell. Shame on your DH.

Yuck.🤢 I couldn’t put up with it.

Apart from hygiene it can also be a gut problem, helicobacter, candida, etc.

Yikes OP, I thought when I opened the thread that he just had BO you both just couldn’t figure out how to get rid of. In that case, I’d have suggested things like washing the bedsheets more frequently, switching out his body wash for something antibacterial like a tea tree oil body wash, getting him a dentist appt, etc.

It sounds like it’s a him issue though. He needs to sort himself out, what a disgusting way to live. It’s disrespectful to expect you to just put up with it!

My DH:
Showers every morning
Showers at night too if he's been to the gym (3x a week) or it's been hot
Brushes his teeth twice a day
Flosses, moisturises, uses deodorant and aftershave
Wears clean, ironed (by him) clothes daily
Gets up with the DC, gets their breakfast and takes DD to school
Works from home but long hours & full on
Walks ddog in his lunch break
Collects DD from school
Takes DC to clubs 3x a week
Tidies the kitchen/loads dishwasher etc before bed
Takes care of cars, pets, garden, DIY/maintenance
And more

Yours is a disgusting slob.

Yes some men are like this and these days I would just refuse to share a bed with anyone that didn't shower daily. It's gross. I'm thankful for my single life.

Sounds like he might have tonsil stones as that's the most likely cause of smelly breath and flossing won't make a bit of difference if that's the case.

He doesn’t care for anyone other than himself

You are fighting a losing battle to try and make him

You either continue as you are and pretend not to care

Move into a spare room and dc and you do your teeth in the kitchen sink

Or

You divorce

It’s not going to get any better
As he ages it will get worse.

I've never had to tell my husband to shower or remind him of dental hygiene. Occasionally he gets sweaty feet and if doesn't notice I'll tell him he needs to wash his feet in the shower.
Personally that would give me the ick!

You don't realise it but you already have a golden key to solve this. You cannot force but you can reward with his favourite things. I. Also think it's time to get some serious couples counselling as this will ruin your life. I knew someone like this, and it's quite unpleasant. You need to take action . Not leave it as people get worse and worse.

Why would any woman with a shred of self respect be dancing around thinking of rewards for a grown man because he's had a shower and cleaned his teeth? He's an adult male not a puppy dog.

Couples counselling isn't required. A bit of basic respect, for himself, OP and the relationship very much is.

@canyouletthedogoutplease are you going to add anything constructive or just criticise those who do?

Why is the bar for men so low ? Ugh.

I have to find something else to do especially if he's eating weetabix 😆😆

My ex used to shower twice a day and still sweat in bed at night to the point where the pillows used to go yellow and smell like vinegar within only 2-3 days of washing, it was minging. I can’t tell you the relief I have now that he’s an ex 🤣🤣

Tell him, you won’t kiss him till he sorts it as at the moment it’s not a nice experience for you, or you could go the whole hog and say no sec or kissing until he’s brushed his teeth and washed his body. That might put him into gear! My husband and I are very honest and will just tell eachother if our breath stinks and tell that person to go brush their teeth before kissing- no drama or hurt feelings, just good communication.

I've never been with such a disgusting man so I would find this highly unusual. I'd rather be single tbh than navigating life through a fog of foul smells and infantile toddler-like habits.

I told my husband he had bad breath. He immediately checked with his dentist and got a referral to a peridontist. He has followed up with regular dental hygienist visits ever since. That's the mature thing to do. I have sons and they have daily showers.

There is just no excuse for OP's husband's behaviour. So when you tell him, he stinks he puts it on you? Does he think everybody else is nose-blind to the fact he stinks? Does he not care that people are inching away from him? Yes, everybody gets flatulence but most people deal with it privately and discreetly.

I couldn't share a bed with this man let alone contemplate having sex with him with his crusty bits.

Unfortunately my ex was like this 🙃 he wasn’t when we very first met, he made an effort for about 9 months, I then fell pregnant unexpectedly, and after that he just went downhill, even before the baby was born. He almost never showered, his breath stank, he never brushed his teeth, would have bottles of full sugar coke on his night stand and drink them through the night and then not brush his teeth, they were always gross looking. It was one of the reasons I ended it after 4 years because he just refused to make any effort at all, but would then moan that I didn’t want to sleep with him. Couldn’t use work as an excuse as he only worked part time whilst I worked full time and did all the housework and childcare, yet I still managed to be clean. Gross as hell honestly 🤮

Maybe we have different ideas of constructive, and that's ok. Opening a window, blaming it on perimenopause or using a reward system just aren't things that would cross my mind when faced with a man who refused to clean himself to the point he was filthy and smelled vile. I find it baffling that people are suggesting OP should try all sorts of remedies, like it's her that needs to do the work. It's fascinating.

I haven't read through all the posts but I will do. I'm not sure if this applies, but I remember when I first got married, and hubby all of a sudden started to have proper stinky armpits that made me wretch. 🤢
He tried soaps, shower gels and scrubbing, but it didn't work. I got alcohol sanitizer hand gel (not alco free) and I remember after a shower I poured loads in both hands and rubbed them like mad under his pits.👏
The smell went away, so I honestly think he had a weird bacteria brewing there. 😬
I know another mate who put vodka under armpits to kill whatever was causing a stink there. 😆 it sounds mad, but it worked a treat. It's not for everyone though 😆

Also, as I said in a previous reply, maybe he mouth breathes? As my hubby does, and we have used the Buteyko method of taping mouth shut at night, to force nose breathing, which helps minimise tonsils stones and smelly breath. 😬
As I say it's not for everyone 😇

Nope. Definitely not all men. Or even most men. Certainly none I know personally.

DH had a smell for a while. He was devastated when I mentioned it and tried every suggestion under the sun to improve the issue. He takes his personal hygiene very seriously.

Turned out his manly aroma was too much for the detergent we were using. A switch of detergent and the issue is gone (as in gone not as in covered up by a stronger laundry smell).