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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DSS on holiday this year?

91 replies

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:16

When DSS was younger we were never able to take him on holiday, his DM would never allow it for a variety of reasons – nothing longer than a weekend away. Once DSS became a teen, he had more say on whether he wanted to go or not so over the past 4 years we’ve travelled as much as we’ve been able to with him, and between DH and I we’ve agreed that we’ll continue to offer to take him until he is out of full-time education. However, this year we are really struggling with when to go away that works with school and 2 FT jobs, he’ll be 17 during summer and less inclined to want to ‘hang around’ with us anyway. The only time we can realistically make it work is during term time which feels a bit rubbish, because that means we can't take him. We’ve been to this destination before and much as he enjoyed it, he didn’t love the heat or the pace of the trip (loads of pool & beach time), which is exactly the type of break we need. If we gave him the choice he would jump at going, but how much enjoyment he’d get out of we are unsure. Last time we did this trip he spend 80% of the time in his room with the aircon on! Is it bad to go away without him?

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 16/01/2025 07:18

Unfortunately as much as you might be right about how much he would enjoy it, not inviting him feels very mean. Sorry.

What does his Dad say?

WhatTheKey · 16/01/2025 07:18

I understand your predicament, but I wouldn't go without my DC so I wouldn't go without DSC either. Unless there's another holiday lined up, which doesn't sound likely from your post..?

Bigsislookingforadvice · 16/01/2025 07:20

Yeah, it kinda seems off not inviting him. Next year at 18 I'd say different maybe. Can't you choose destination you might all enjoy and save the super hot place until another year ?

Agix · 16/01/2025 07:20

If you do end up going without him, don't convince yourself you only did it because "he wouldn't get enjoyment out of it anyway". That's you putting words in his mouth as a way of justifying it to yourself.

He's been before and enjoyed the place. You admit he'd jump at the chance of going again. He would like to go and would love it.

If you decide to go without him, you have to accept that you have decided to go without him despite the fact he would have loved it.

Don't lie to yourself, at the very least.

PortiasBiscuit · 16/01/2025 07:20

Oh don’t be so bloody ridiculous, if you can’t afford to take the whole family, you can’t afford a holiday.

Redcandlescandal · 16/01/2025 07:22

Is there a trip he might be interested in taking with his dad, maybe a city break?

If finances allow, I would offer that instead of him joining you on your planned trip.

rookiemere · 16/01/2025 07:22

Is it just the two of you - I assume so as term time holiday?

If it's just you two then I think it's fine to go without him, maybe his DF could take him on a long weekend during the school holidays. If there are other DCs involved then it seems a bit mean to exclude him.

nex18 · 16/01/2025 07:27

I went away without my own children when they were 17 so can’t see why this would be a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sassybooklover · 16/01/2025 07:28

If you've spent 4 years now taking your step-son on holiday with you, it would be mean to stop now. Pick a different destination, somewhere you'd all enjoy. Or you go away during term-time and Dad takes him away for a long weekend in the summer. Imagine how you'd feel if a parent more or less said to you 'by the way we're going away in term-time, so it means we're not going away together this year'!! You'd feel pretty left out and upset.

Pineapplewaves · 16/01/2025 07:29

You are allowed to go on holiday just the two of you, plenty of people with DC leave them at home with the GP's so they can go on holiday child free. One of my friends shares the summer holidays 50/50 with her exDH and goes on holiday abroad with her adult DD during her exDH time to have younger DC. If you go away during term time and DSS is at school then he can't go can he.

What does your partner think of going away without his DS? Is DS expecting to be going on holiday with you both this year? Will he go on holiday with his DM this year so he's still getting a holiday? Could you do something in the UK with DSS instead, trip to London? Theme Parks? City Break instead?

Tia86 · 16/01/2025 07:29

Does he get to go on any other holidays? What about with his mum?

At that age I think he is less likely to want to go with you, but I would talk to him and explain rather than booking and then telling him.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/01/2025 07:31

Are you in England? Collage terms generally finish before the typical ‘term’ for summer holidays so go then? Otherwise if you can’t afford to take him away then have a UK break instead. Obviously check he does actually want to holiday with you first though.

Simplelobsterhat · 16/01/2025 07:31

I think it's ok to go without him only if your DH can also take him somewhere in the school holidays...

Unfortunately lots of us would like a hot beach holiday but can't afford it due to kids a school holidays. That's life as a parent. But if you can manage to do both somehow that would be ok.

Chasingsquirrels · 16/01/2025 07:33

If it is just the 2 of you (no other children), then I'd be totally comfortable with it.

If other children are going I think it makes it much more difficult.

StormingNorman · 16/01/2025 07:37

If you can’t make it work you choose something else - he’s not an optional extra.

GrandmotherStillLearning · 16/01/2025 07:38

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:16

When DSS was younger we were never able to take him on holiday, his DM would never allow it for a variety of reasons – nothing longer than a weekend away. Once DSS became a teen, he had more say on whether he wanted to go or not so over the past 4 years we’ve travelled as much as we’ve been able to with him, and between DH and I we’ve agreed that we’ll continue to offer to take him until he is out of full-time education. However, this year we are really struggling with when to go away that works with school and 2 FT jobs, he’ll be 17 during summer and less inclined to want to ‘hang around’ with us anyway. The only time we can realistically make it work is during term time which feels a bit rubbish, because that means we can't take him. We’ve been to this destination before and much as he enjoyed it, he didn’t love the heat or the pace of the trip (loads of pool & beach time), which is exactly the type of break we need. If we gave him the choice he would jump at going, but how much enjoyment he’d get out of we are unsure. Last time we did this trip he spend 80% of the time in his room with the aircon on! Is it bad to go away without him?

Well done on being a great step mum and including your step son on the holidays in the last few years.
I'd simply say together this year we are going to xyz together as a couple for a break. But you have a think in this country where you'd like to go one weekend.
Don't overthink it.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/01/2025 07:40

Do a 3 night city break the three of you in school holidays. Then during term time you and dh take a break away just the two of you for 4/5 nights

Original poster
Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:41

It's not a matter of cost it's done to workload and others booking leave during School holidays, I'm in a small team and my next most senior person to me has just told me they need paternity leave and we can be off at the same time.
No other kids
He's not been away with his DM for years, except to see family - nothing planned this year that we know.
DH is like me torn on what to do.
DSS is going away twice this year once with DH and once with us both for long weekends (sport and a gig)

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 16/01/2025 07:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MyLifeMyChoices · 16/01/2025 07:44

StormingNorman · 16/01/2025 07:37

If you can’t make it work you choose something else - he’s not an optional extra.

At 17 lots of parents start to take holidays without their kids and it is optional. The fact it is somewhere he wouldn’t be keen to go is a bonus. Talk to him about it before booking and be honest.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 16/01/2025 07:46

Could his dad get school holidays time off to do a longer than weekend holiday somewhere and then the two of you have your term time break? You could talk to him, ask him where he'd like to go, that's if his dad can get holiday off in school holidays.

Whyherewego · 16/01/2025 07:48

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:41

It's not a matter of cost it's done to workload and others booking leave during School holidays, I'm in a small team and my next most senior person to me has just told me they need paternity leave and we can be off at the same time.
No other kids
He's not been away with his DM for years, except to see family - nothing planned this year that we know.
DH is like me torn on what to do.
DSS is going away twice this year once with DH and once with us both for long weekends (sport and a gig)

Why don't you discuss it with him. Be honest, he's old enough. Say that you'd love to go away with him but you're compromised on the dates due to other people's leave.

rubiconartist · 16/01/2025 07:50

Just talk to him and explain. You can't get leave out of term time so can't do a holiday with him this year but you'll all plan something else.

Better to do that now than tie yourselves up in knots about it.

Sounds like he's got other stuff planned with you both anyway.

Strengths · 16/01/2025 07:51

The fact that he chose to go with you as a teen once he got a say and you say he’d jump at the chance to go makes me think it would really be sad not to take him, especially on what is probably one of his last family holidays given his age. And I’m definitely one of those people who have no problem holidaying without the kids! But that doesn’t mean they don’t get a holiday at all.

You say it’s not down to finances but down to your work schedule. So your schedule is effectively trumping his! Which totally makes sense as you’re paying. But the solution for me would therefore be for his dad to take him on a holiday somewhere for a week. They can tailor it to the two of them then.

Pigeonqueen · 16/01/2025 07:52

I think if it’s just you and dh then that’s okay, but I wouldn’t go somewhere your dss has been before or would want to go. I’d do something completely different as a couples thing, I think that’s okay especially if you have other things booked with dss which you do.

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