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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DSS on holiday this year?

91 replies

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:16

When DSS was younger we were never able to take him on holiday, his DM would never allow it for a variety of reasons – nothing longer than a weekend away. Once DSS became a teen, he had more say on whether he wanted to go or not so over the past 4 years we’ve travelled as much as we’ve been able to with him, and between DH and I we’ve agreed that we’ll continue to offer to take him until he is out of full-time education. However, this year we are really struggling with when to go away that works with school and 2 FT jobs, he’ll be 17 during summer and less inclined to want to ‘hang around’ with us anyway. The only time we can realistically make it work is during term time which feels a bit rubbish, because that means we can't take him. We’ve been to this destination before and much as he enjoyed it, he didn’t love the heat or the pace of the trip (loads of pool & beach time), which is exactly the type of break we need. If we gave him the choice he would jump at going, but how much enjoyment he’d get out of we are unsure. Last time we did this trip he spend 80% of the time in his room with the aircon on! Is it bad to go away without him?

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 16/01/2025 07:54

So just say to him that he has choices:-

A short long weekend city break abroad as a three
A week away with his dad (you staying home)
Or skip it this year

Either way, as long as he is happy with one of the above, there's no problem (imo) you and dh doing a separate term time trip just the two of you. Parents are allowed to do holidays as a two every now and then Grin

SparklesGlitter · 16/01/2025 07:55

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:41

It's not a matter of cost it's done to workload and others booking leave during School holidays, I'm in a small team and my next most senior person to me has just told me they need paternity leave and we can be off at the same time.
No other kids
He's not been away with his DM for years, except to see family - nothing planned this year that we know.
DH is like me torn on what to do.
DSS is going away twice this year once with DH and once with us both for long weekends (sport and a gig)

This is tricky. Could you compromise and not take him away in the summer, and do something say October half term. It seems a shame to miss out as you and DH want to take him. A different time of year will offer different opportunities as to what holiday you have. In the meantime, could you and DH go to a spa for a weekend. It’s not a weeks worth of chill, but it could make the best of a different situation. It seems unfortunate for you to have no summer but that’s how it goes sometime. I assume it’s A Levels? So once he’s finished his exams treat him to an extra special holiday that can be in term time…imagine what that could get you 😃

SemperIdem · 16/01/2025 07:55

It is fine to go on holiday just the two of you.

My parents went on holiday without me when I was that age.

BingoLarge · 16/01/2025 07:56

Your latest post puts a different spin on things from your earlier one. If you can’t get leave in his school holiday, there’s not really much to discuss.

Could you do a term time couples trip then he does a week away with his dad? My DS used to do walking holidays with DH- 4 days or so staying at really basic places so didn’t cost much but was great father/son time.

gannett · 16/01/2025 07:58

If we gave him the choice he would jump at going, but how much enjoyment he’d get out of we are unsure. Last time we did this trip he spend 80% of the time in his room with the aircon on!

Just because someone isn't doing the activities you think they should be doing doesn't mean they're not enjoying themselves, or enjoying being included. Maybe he had a great time sitting in the comfortable aircon reading and relaxing and being with his family, and he didn't need to be out in the sun to have an excellent holiday.

You should just talk to him properly though. He's 17 and he's old enough to understand your logistical dilemma. You can talk about the other trips, outings etc you're taking him on; you can talk about doing things he might enjoy more rather than a family holiday. I totally get why you want to change things now. But you need to have the discussion and listen to what he says, and stick to the logistics being the problem rather than pretending you're doing this on his behalf.

socks1107 · 16/01/2025 07:58

If he's already going away with his dad then I see no reason for you not to go when it suits you. At 17 they are more than old enough to understand this and it's a good lesson on how work actually fits around life.
I haven't taken my dds away since they were 17 but I do contribute to their holidays with friends as a compromise

jeaux90 · 16/01/2025 08:00

Sorry no.

It's absolutely fine to take an adult only break but only if you also take the DC away.

Find something which has activities that he can independently do whilst you two chill. Pop over to the holiday boards for ideas.

lanthanum · 16/01/2025 08:01

Ask him whether there is somewhere particular he would like to go on holiday this year (perhaps limiting to Europe or by flight time). See if you can make that work - either as a long weekend or just him and DH if you can't get time off in the school holidays.
Explain about you only being able to get away for a full week in term-time, and surely he will entirely understand if you and DH go on a holiday without him.

Tia86 · 16/01/2025 08:03

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:41

It's not a matter of cost it's done to workload and others booking leave during School holidays, I'm in a small team and my next most senior person to me has just told me they need paternity leave and we can be off at the same time.
No other kids
He's not been away with his DM for years, except to see family - nothing planned this year that we know.
DH is like me torn on what to do.
DSS is going away twice this year once with DH and once with us both for long weekends (sport and a gig)

To me that's fine then.

His mum doesn't bother so it sounds lucky that you and his dad have taken him the previous 4 years.

Him and his dad have other holidays planned so to me go for the couples holiday.

SnoopysHoose · 16/01/2025 08:14

You have other trips booked with him, it's fine for you both to have a break without him.
MN is very weird in that parents should never holiday without DC until they're about 25!!

Tink3rbell30 · 16/01/2025 08:16

Of course you can't go without him! Sounds like you're trying to justify it. Absolutely not.

Turophilic · 16/01/2025 08:23

Not a problem at all - I don’t have stepchildren but I do have three of my own and yes, the pair of us have taken holidays without them at that age.

”Your stepmum and I are going to xxx in May this year. We couldn’t get time off in the school holidays. Sorry, love, I know you’d like to have come. We’ll book a weekend away somewhere you fancy when 6th form breaks up.”

NewYearStillFat · 16/01/2025 08:29

A holiday in term time is a fraction of the cost. Me and DH holidayed without (and with, but sometimes without) DSS for this reason and so does his Mum. I don’t see anything wrong with it - IMO being able to holiday childfree is one of the few benefits of blended families.

Quitelikeit · 16/01/2025 08:32

Explain the situation and offer him £200!

ACynicalDad · 16/01/2025 08:32

Do two holidays, a couple one in term time and a shorter one focused on his interests in the holidays.

SometimesCalmPerson · 16/01/2025 08:40

If he’s expecting to come, it would be mean to go without him. His term time is equally as important as your job, so why does one mean the holiday happens and the other doesn’t?

MissDoubleU · 16/01/2025 08:42

Doitagainand · 16/01/2025 07:41

It's not a matter of cost it's done to workload and others booking leave during School holidays, I'm in a small team and my next most senior person to me has just told me they need paternity leave and we can be off at the same time.
No other kids
He's not been away with his DM for years, except to see family - nothing planned this year that we know.
DH is like me torn on what to do.
DSS is going away twice this year once with DH and once with us both for long weekends (sport and a gig)

If you’ve no other kids then this isn’t a family holiday he’s left out of, it’s a couples holiday specifically for adults. Romantic, drinking, no responsibilities type of holiday. Long walks alone on the beach and long dinners to look into each others eyes and reconnect with each other.

I think if he knows from the get go that this is why you’re going away, he’ll be fine. Even if he’s disappointed he can’t come it’s not excluding him specifically.

graffittimonkey · 16/01/2025 08:46

Take him or don't take him, it's your decision, but do recognise it makes your narrative of being blocked from taking him on holiday for years sound like BS.

You could have taken the time and money from one couples holiday to have the matter sorted in court, and unless there was abuse or potential harm in your DH spending holidays with his kid, it's hugely likely the court would have ruled in his favour.

You also claim that "between DH and I we’ve agreed that we’ll continue to offer to take him until he is out of full-time education" but at the first sign of a problem that agreement gets dropped.

Plus you're openly sneery about his mum not taking her son on holiday, whilst not recognising the hypocrisy when you point out how hard it's going to be to take him away with you.

So, in short, whether you take him or not, you need to drop the bad attitude towards his mum as it's clear you've quite enjoyed the flexibility (& cheapness) of the childfree holidays you've had over the years and it hasn't taken you long to want that flexibility back.

NewYearStillFat · 16/01/2025 08:51

He’s 17! I can’t believe some of the posters responses.

He’s not a primary aged DC.

Pamelaaaaarrr · 16/01/2025 08:52

Despite the hysterics on here there's a whole other thread rumbling where many many MANY people have stated that once their kids are 16/17 they don't always go on holiday with them. Stepson is a red herring really and that makes people very over-sensitive when you use that.

Pamelaaaaarrr · 16/01/2025 08:53

NewYearStillFat · 16/01/2025 08:51

He’s 17! I can’t believe some of the posters responses.

He’s not a primary aged DC.

It's because she said DSS not DS. If it was a shared DS it would be fine.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/01/2025 08:54

Of course you can leave him behind if you're going on a couples holiday in term time.

Some silly responses on here.

Different if you were taking your own DCs and purposely leaving him behind.

Offer to pay for him to go on a post A-levels holiday with his friends if you're feeling guilty.

NewYearStillFat · 16/01/2025 08:54

Pamelaaaaarrr · 16/01/2025 08:53

It's because she said DSS not DS. If it was a shared DS it would be fine.

Show quote history

Yes. Totally agree the responses would be completely different.

loveawineloveacrisp · 16/01/2025 08:56

God, book the holiday. It's not like the DSS is deprived if he's going on other trips. Like others have already said, people go on holiday without older teens all the time. And you can't make it work any other time.

Why should you go without a holiday? You've had some ridiculous replies so far.

Createausername1970 · 16/01/2025 08:58

I would say. "Sorry, DSS, we have left it a bit late to sort out and now we can't get time off together apart from term time. So we are going to go back to xxx this year, but where would you like to go next year? You will be 18, so let's think about a good holiday destination to celebrate that, and get the time off organised well in advance"