Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

[MyNextSteps]

This is my first Mumsnet post so I'm sorry but this will be a long rant. But I have really lost my way and would appreciate everyone's thoughts.

My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been married for 25 years and have 5 kids who are late teens/20s.

The marriage has always had something "not quite right", something missing which I couldn't explain. DH didn't have many girlfriends I thought he was just shy. Once married I always felt he was avoidant, pulling away, preoccupied, unavailable, never initiated sex. If I ever tried to raise it, even gently, he was irritable and defensive, saying my "constant criticism and oversensitivity" was the problem and then he'd try to run away or hang up the phone or get busy or fall asleep or get one of the kids to interrupt us to shut me down. He is also very interested in facts not feelings and tends to disconnect from conversations once he's satisfied himself of the facts.

Eventually I dragged DH to therapy wondering if he was a covert narcissist but this year he's been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (Aspergers) which explains everything. I feel I'm in a nightmare as our story started out as a fairytale with our beautiful kids but now I'm acceptingw nothing will change with DH.

We both had good careers but I stayed at home to raise the kids. He worked hard to provide for us all but had a long commute. We moved out to the coast and bought a rambling old house with land, did it up and we have a small holding with animals. DH seemed to avoid intimacy but I didn't question it as he was tired and working so hard and so was I. He never took me out in the evening or hired a babysitter or took me away for a few nights. We only ever went away with the kids but I was so in the tunnel of parenthood and we didn't have much money to spare so I didn't really stop to question it.

Gradually the kids grew up and then DH stopped work and I thought we would spend more time together but I gradually realized he wasn't interested. Once he stopped work and was around 24/7 and the kids were grown up, it dawned on me that he was just making excuses to avoid time with me and avoid intimacy.

We did years of marriage therapy but he could neither express his feelings at all (alexithymia) or understand mine. He just cannot hear me - all he can hear is that he's being criticized and then he becomes a professional victim. I have given him a million chances to sort himself out, so many times we have fought and he always comes back, says sorry but nothing changes. Our therapist said he wouldn't change and to leave him as he wasn't able or interested in meeting my needs.

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.

So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Every time the whole family gets together which is now only about twice a year I work hard to cook food and make it nice but either my husband or one of the ND kids has a meltdown or shutdown which ruins the occasion and the family doesn't speak for months, I am beginning to dread get togethers.

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days. If I ask him to do something he'll do it eventually but then says I'm bossy and that he feels "controlled" and then makes sure the kids know it.

Some of our kids have various neurodiverse traits/issues and DH and I clashed seriously about how to raise them because as a ND himself his first instinct was to deny their problems and help them to mask whereas I as an NT wanted to get them diagnosed and get them help. DH also insisted that we don't mention anyone's diagnosis in the family (shame) so when several of the kids have huge meltdowns we are not allowed to address it with the other kids and I can see that they feel guilty and responsible when it's not their fault.

Things have come to a head in the last few months. DH was being assessed for suspected cancer. He wasn't able to process many feelings about that beyond being sure he didn't want the kids to know. I did all the worrying and supporting whilst he looked blank and numb all through Christmas. Finally this week he got the "all clear", he did express some relief but I was hugely emotional after the hospital.

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I was still emotional from the hospital so after she'd put the phone down I was angry with DH that he hadn't passed on the message. He denied this so we started to argue. DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy (he didn't know about the hospital or cancer scare at all so didn't know why I was so emotional). I said to DH "tell him to stop" but DH said "why should he stop abusing you when you abuse me ?" (professional victim).

In that moment after 25 years something snapped in me. I did something I've never done before. I calmly put together a small bag of clothes and walked out. I drove off and checked into a local B&B where I am sitting now with no idea about my next move.

DH has brought me to my knees. It's not what he does, it's what he DOESN'T do, he's just absent from our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want to have a relationship with me either. He just wants a housekeeper/secretary/organizer/mother not a wife. I want to leave him but then I break up the family, we lose our lovely home and I get blamed for that by him and the kids, I lose my smallholding and animals and will have to give up my dream part time job that I have taken up in the last few years too, so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently.

I rang DH from the B&B to discuss the issues. He said "all you do is criticize me, I'm a victim" and hung up. He didn't want to discuss the issues because he can't summarize or express his feelings. He says he can't change and I am persecuting him to do things he can't do. He then said by the way if I was moving out then he'd sell our home and small holding because he wasn't interested in it anyway he only bought it for me (first I heard about that, he was the one that insisted we buy it when I wanted to stay in the city !). I went back briefly to our home to collect clothes etc and he was just lying flat on the sofa staring into space, washing left in the machine overnight, last night's dinner still on the table untouched, curtains not drawn, animals not fed, plants not watered, post not opened etc.

AIBU to leave and break up the family and sell our family home and smallholding and rehome the animals ? Or am I overreacting and should I accept he can't change, stop asking him to and just suck it up for the sake of the family ? DH is not a bad person, we have a lot in common with our joint kids, life and animals. He worked hard to support us all, he's never been unfaithful or had addictions or been abusive (contrast I've been a drunk and screaming harridan more than once when pushed beyond human limits by rigid and goading ND family members). I am also nearly 60 and have let myself go with all the stress. Dating now fills me with horror, what are my chances anyway and my friends are having horror stories on Bumble.... I would also have to go back to full time work at 60 to support myself and the children would be hostile to a new partner as they feel responsible for their victim dad. But he is not my husband or lover and he's more friends with the kids than a father to them. He is a professional victim and he has no capacity for a marriage or partnership with me. I would be happy to live alone but I keep having the sad thought that I don't want to get to the end of my life without having experienced a true and loving partnership.

If I could find a way to stay with DH I would but I have tried to compromise a million times. I don't want to have an affair either but it seems that if I stay I would have to completely deny my own needs for love, support, intimacy, boundaries, joint parenting, joy etc and life is too short for that. Advice please.

@MyNextSteps For goodness sakes, I'm sick to the back teeth of people who use ''Coz ND'' as an excuse to be utter cunts.

Your husband sounds insufferable, and the adult kids sound like bullies.

Free yourself.

Sell the animals {assuming large ones like cattle , sheep or horses} as the useless cunts can't even be arsed to FEED the animals- that's inexcusable.

He's wallowing in self pity.

Get that farm sold, and be free.

Remove the cold millstone from around your neck.

Let him be a narcissistic wanker by himself.

You deserve far, far better.

I hope you manage to leave this situation OP. You deserve to live the rest of your life for yourself, you have given enough.

I do think you need to leave OP, especially now you're getting abuse from your children.

It seems you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, OP.
And it seems that you very much want to leave.
Go if you want to go.
You know you’ll be the bad guy whether you stay or leave - right?
So why not at least be happy?
But for god’s sake take the animals with you - they don’t deserve the punishment they’ll receive if you leave them behind.
I’m sending you love and good thoughts and best wishes from across an ocean and a continent. ❤️

I don't think you need to tell the kids anything other than 'your father and I are getting divorced. We will both be having separate relationships with you from now on'.

You shouldn't want to have drama between you all any more. Cut and dried, don't buy into any of it.

Your story resonates with me and I was in a similar situation with my ex. Just a word of warning, it’s been very hard to actually go through the separation process as he didn’t want it to happen, he won’t move out of the house, won’t reply to lawyers letters, won’t attend mediation so if I had my time again I’d go much harder from a legal perspective.

Because OP said the animals were left unfed,{presume unwatered as well} this could quickly become a serious welfare issue, as the wanky self absorbed husband and adult kids couldn't be bothered to feed and water them.

{As she talks of selling the animals, I'm assuming large animals that one needs land for, as opposed to a more portable cat or a dog}

The animals are a concern of mine, as well.
Domesticated animals cannot feed and water themselves {Grazing will be poor at this time of year, and they will need water attending to as it could be frozen at this time of year..It's inexcusable that the husband and adult children haven't fed and attended to the animals.

Indoor animals can't access water or food themselves, either.

She can call police about the animals, or the RSPCA. She should pay a visit and if they haven't been taken care of, she can call the authorities.

F

Just a clarification on the animals......the few large animals are done by a regular employee anyway, so they are fine. DC are VERY loving and caring regarding the small animals when they are around. DH is feeding and watering the animals but just a bit late in the last few days since I left. I will be ensuring animals are well cared for.

I hope you’re ok OP.

I left a very similar situation some years ago, HFA, PhD, super intelligent, emotionally unavailable XH.

It is much better out of the other side. I was also married to a man who victimised himself, bringing the kids into it. I was the cause of everything that was wrong in the world. My kids cut him out of their lives at 18, sad, but he was an unavailable, disinterested unless it was something that interested him, controlling and abusive father. Both my children ended up seeing a counsellor to help them get their heads around his behaviour.

Gather all your wits and valuables and go low contact with them all. Live separately (washing, cooking and cleaning up for yourselves) while you get your ducks in order to move out.
Can you afford to work full time after you divorce?
Can you put a deposit on a not so large block with a smaller house or caravan?

he sounds very like my ex and your children very like mine. My ex too never took me out, or treated me like he loved me. I was just a companion for him (although we did have sex).

I realised that I had to leave when I heard my son (also ASD) speaking to me like my ex. Now we have been apart for many years, (I left in my 40s), he is still playing the victim and the children still side with him against me. He's added taking him to the cleaners in the divorce (aka making him pay child maintenance) to my list of crimes.

And like @Wanttobefree2 said, my ex was really avoidant during the divorce process - (but in a way that suggested he was doing his best to derail it and add to my stress as much as he could, as well as to the legal costs).

I hope you have stayed away and haven't gone back tonight. I'm sure your H will continue to play the victim and you'll feel obliged to go back to sort it all out. As a pp says you do need to get yourself out of the victim/perpetrator/rescuer triangle. And yes both your H and your children are being abusive. I read Lundy Bancroft and it really resonated with me. Perhaps it will with you too.

(and dating in later life is ok!).

My apologies, @MyNextSteps— I meant the cats and the dogs and the parakeets, etc.
The rest of my good wishes remain.

YANBU, but it has nothing to do with him being autistic-- it has to do with him being a prick.

OP you’re suffering with Cassandra syndrome. People here will say it’s nothing to do with autism and that he’s just a “shitty” person but this is what a ND/NT marriage looks like. The avoidance, defensiveness, victimhood, lack of connection, zero emotional support or reciprocity, minimal surface level conversation, zero intimacy, poor parenting with no boundaries and a type of loneliness only those who are on the receiving on of a ND husband can understand. I’m not as far in as you as we’ve only been married for 5 years (both mid 30’’s) with two young children. Tbh I’m too tired and worn down to even think about leaving and too busy with the children to think about how soul crushingly lonely this “relationship” is but when I get a moment to myself to truly feel it, it makes me cry and scream inside. I planned to leave when my children are 10+ but I don’t know if co parenting with him would be worse than staying. And I see my relationship with my children and him ending up exactly the same. These relationships can only end in two ways you wither away to nothing by having to suppress yourself and your needs until the day you die or you leave. I think you’ve reached a beautiful but scary moment where you have finally had enough. Once you get there I don’t think there is much going back. The scary decision is often the right one. I’m sorry OP I do hope you find a love that you deserve and one day your children will see the truth.

Asperger's is not a diagnosis anymore.

You need to leave or get him to leave regardless.

OP I am not in your situation but have supported a friend who was married to someone who sounds quite similar. She left him and they are both so much happier and better off. She found this book useful. I believe the couple in the book went on to divorce, but it might give you some insight into your DH if you decide to stay and work things out (although he doesn't seem to have much interest in/desire to change?)

www.amazon.ca/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749/ref=asc_df_1439189749/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=706730090076&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3263785725888207512&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9001560&hvtargid=pla-448828418150&psc=1&mcid=e9c37debe2b331fe8952203a8c157543&gad_source=1

Agree with @RogueFemale

Break everything down into steps. Accept the marriage is over and prioritise:
Animal care
Legal advice
Sell/ rehome farm animals.
Sell property.
If you need somewhere separate to live is it possible to put a caravan on your land for a few months until sale complete?
Any chance your job can be full time?

You’re going to have a few very tough months as I think the majority of work will fall on you so make sure you have back up — friends, therapist if possible, family members who’ll support you. You’ll be in survival mode for the next few months.
It must feel overwhelming and an impossible task atm but in a few months you could have a calmer and more peaceful life.

I don't want to sound mean but you should have left a long time ago instead of dragging this out for years. Your children have grown up in this toxic environment which is so damaging and they are now all facing a lifetime of therapy to unpick their experiences and how it's shaped them into adults. Your son has assaulted you because of how he was raised. It's not just your husband's fault, this is a joint responsibility.

Now you are focusing on moving on for your own sake, rehoming your animals and starting a new relationship but you have 5 kids who are probably going to repeat these unhealthy patterns in their own lives.

Op now it's time to put you first. I am still aghast reading that your child assaulted you and he encouraged it! I cannot get my head around this part.

I think I would leave them all to it, if you can stay at the b&b for a month or so, just to get your head clear whilst away from the situation.

Then you make a decision on what you want to do going forward. But you have to step out of the situation to see the wood for the trees.

Just as an aside. Someone I know (an adult) recently got the same diagnosis as your h. I have had to step back from interacting with them, as they are using the diagnosis for every excuse for bad behaviour that they can. I just cannot bear it. Now I do have sympathy as I have a ND child myself, so am aware of the struggles. But I have also known this person many years and they didn't have an diagnosis nor an excuse for bad behaviour previously, they are like a different person now. I can see very clearly that they are not just ND, but also very abusive which has ramped up post diagnosis.

.As I said I've stepped back from them as I can see it so much more now that I have.

You do not need to decide today, right now. Posters may be encouraging you to do this. But something is going to have to change. You simply cannot go on like this.

He is highly manipulative, and abusing you. His ND might prevent him from being affectionate but that does not give him a green light to abuse you.

Leave and enjoy your life.
You can reset expectations with your kids, eventually. They will be angry but I would distant yourself until they can understand what is happening is abuse.

None of this is acceptable! Shoving you is assault. It’s not okay. At all and is being condoned and encouraged by your dh.

You will never win. This will never change, Stop fighting for change and walk away. It will be a huge relief.

Had the cancer results been different you could have been locked into this situation for years. Take your chance and run now.

Sending love and strength OP- well done for making a stance , agree with others, leave him .
Have a read about 'the drama triangle' - interesting re victim/ perpetrator and kids in rescuer role . It can be stopped if you don't play the game . Have you got friends to support you ? X

I think the ND label is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. My husband also has high functioning autism and while he shares some of the traits you describe (preference for facts and abstraction over emotions and people) he is still a warm, kind, helpful, involved, affectionate, considerate person.

I'm not saying your husband isn't ND and I'm not saying all ND people are the same. I'm just saying people can be have emotional/relational difficulties that are caused by things other than being ND. I feel like he has been allowed to be like this for a very long time and sounds like he has been given a bit of a free pass because of the diagnosis. It's time to set yourself free and take back some control. You may feel you have a lot to lose, but potentially so much to gain.