To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

[EvieSparkle]

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation. My DP and I were discussing where to go on holiday this summer. We had mentioned some places but not really made any decisions yet. Yesterday evening, he told me he'd booked somewhere for a week in June. I was surprised that he'd gone ahead and booked something without discussing it with me, especially as the dates he booked included my mum's birthday when I was planning on booking her a weekend away to celebrate. I couldn't be with her last year for work reasons. I told him this and he just said 'oh, I forgot, maybe you can celebrate another day.'

Also, his parents will be there. Every year, they go away for a month to a mountainous resort in Europe. He's booked us in at the same resort because apparently 'they know the person who owns all the chalets'. After some discussion, it seems that all this was sorted between them on WhatsApp without involving me, and that his parents are paying for it. We just have to pay for flights.

I'm not very happy about it. I wish he had asked me first before going ahead with it. I like his parents and I don't mind seeing them now and then to have dinner together but I don't want to spend a week on holiday with them. I find his mum tricky to deal with, as she is judgemental about people's eating habits and weight and we had a rough time last summer because she kept commenting that I'd gained weight, which upset me. I'm a size 10/12 so not big. She's also controlling and you have to be very firm with her - not exactly a recipe for a relaxing holiday. They are from a different country and speak no English so I have to communicate with them through DP. I am learning their language but my ability is limited.

To be honest, I limit the time I spend with her as I am always self-conscious that she's judging my figure. For example, last time we saw her for dinner around Christmas, she commented that I didn't eat enough vegetables. I also feel uncomfortable that they are paying for us. I prefer to pay my own way and when someone pays, there is an unspoken expectation that you do what they want during the trip.

I told DP that it was a nice idea but I wish he'd asked me. He got defensive and seemed annoyed. He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free. He made me feel ungrateful but I don't mean to be. I think it's kind of them to pay for us but I'd rather pay for myself and have a choice of what to do. He then started saying 'if you don't want to come that's fine, in fact we'll cancel. You don't want to go so it's pointless.' In the end I gave up discussing it and went to bed. I don't think he will cancel as he seems to want to go. I could suggest he goes alone but that will cause an argument.

Neither of us have mentioned it since. I am unsure now about what to do. If I say I'm not going, then it could cause conflict between me, him and his parents. If I go along with it, I miss my mum's birthday and I would probably be quite anxious while there. We both work a lot and don't get much time for holidays so I'm upset he's arranged this. AIBU to think he should have asked me first?

The facts are he has bigger earnings than you, He calls you frequently, you do everything together and don't have anyone outside your relationship to confide in. His mother has form for being controlling so much so that he went no contact for a couple of years. This history coupled with his total disregard for your opinion in this chalet booking incident ( he lied about booking to exert pressure on you to accept it ).
I'm sorry but these are all big red flags demonstrating that he has learned from his DM controlling and manipulative behavior. If you do marry him make sure you have financial Independence and build up your friendship group, nurture your interests outside of your relationship. Maybe make couple therapy a condition of going ahead with the marriage.

This exactly.

Why is it ok for a woman to be close to her mother but if a man is, he’s a mummy’s boy? I’d love to know

Me too. I see this regularly on Mumsnet, and find it really unfair and illogical.
I didn't have a great relationship with my mum, and when I met my husband, his close and caring relationship with his parents was one of the things that endeared him to me.

Thanks for all your advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

@Carouselfish He had one ex before me and they were together for about 6 years. From what I've heard, she wanted marriage and he didn't and the relationship ended because they were drifting apart. She didn't get on with his mum and he didn't get on with her parents. His ex is strange, as she seemed unable to let go for many years. She was messaging his family members to get information about what was going on in his life and whether he was still with me. DP had to ask his family member to block her because she was harassing him online, signing him up on websites and making fake social media profiles using his pictures. She only stopped when we said we'd report her to the police. That happened a couple of years ago.

@passiveaggressivenonsense I think I will ask him to do couples therapy before marriage. I have some emergency savings that he doesn't know about. I've been steadily saving since my early 20s, putting it all in premium bonds. I would do this with anyone because you never know what could happen in the future and I don't want to be in a vulnerable position like some of my female family members have been after divorce.

Dh is very close to his mother. No problem. The problem comes when either person puts their mother massively before their partner and/or expects their partner to always concede to whatever MIL wants.

I don't see it much on here but in real life I have seen it fairly often where the women expects her dh to massively accommodate and adapt to her mother who more or less (or actually) moves in etc.

Separately op, I find it concerning that you say it's a great relationship etc and yet you have postponed your wedding once already. This suggests you have some.concersna bout the relationship even if you aren't fully aware of them.

There are a lot of red flags, not least in how isolated you are. And that comment re being "cold" is clearly already lingering in your mind (as it was designed to) which is going to have a knock on effect on how you feel, think and behave

Yes

It's fine for men to be close to their Mum.

It's not fine to secretly arrange holidays with their mum, without even mentioning it to their fiancee. Then pretend it's been booked when it's only been reserved.

That's selfish and controlling. And weird.

Yanbu. I wouldn’t go because 1. He didn’t discuss it with you, which, unless he thought he was arranging some romantic surprise (unlikely, with his parents going and very risky) and 2. You wanted to spend your mums birthday with her, which he would have known if, well, 1 hadn’t happened! Leave your feelings about his mother out of it. Those two things are enough reason and if it creates conflict that is entirely on him.

Carry on with your plans with your mother,however, if I was you I would be doing a nightclass and learning the language fast,especially as this will be your future too, best way to stick up for yourself.

Not in order. And he's gas lighting you to get on board. I wouldn't be going. His dp can't buy you. Go out with your own dm. Show where your priorities lie.

If you feel you need couples therapy before the wedding, don’t get married.

Is your DP someone you’ve been with for a long time and has he coerced you/ not sought your approval or consent in the past? I wonder if this incident is a continuation of his past behaviour?

In my mind, it would be especially easy if this isn’t a long term relationship to say no, as this behaviour of his is a red flag for the future. If you go along with it, he will just know that he can control you, and that your option and consent is irrelevant, in the future too.