To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

[EvieSparkle]

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation. My DP and I were discussing where to go on holiday this summer. We had mentioned some places but not really made any decisions yet. Yesterday evening, he told me he'd booked somewhere for a week in June. I was surprised that he'd gone ahead and booked something without discussing it with me, especially as the dates he booked included my mum's birthday when I was planning on booking her a weekend away to celebrate. I couldn't be with her last year for work reasons. I told him this and he just said 'oh, I forgot, maybe you can celebrate another day.'

Also, his parents will be there. Every year, they go away for a month to a mountainous resort in Europe. He's booked us in at the same resort because apparently 'they know the person who owns all the chalets'. After some discussion, it seems that all this was sorted between them on WhatsApp without involving me, and that his parents are paying for it. We just have to pay for flights.

I'm not very happy about it. I wish he had asked me first before going ahead with it. I like his parents and I don't mind seeing them now and then to have dinner together but I don't want to spend a week on holiday with them. I find his mum tricky to deal with, as she is judgemental about people's eating habits and weight and we had a rough time last summer because she kept commenting that I'd gained weight, which upset me. I'm a size 10/12 so not big. She's also controlling and you have to be very firm with her - not exactly a recipe for a relaxing holiday. They are from a different country and speak no English so I have to communicate with them through DP. I am learning their language but my ability is limited.

To be honest, I limit the time I spend with her as I am always self-conscious that she's judging my figure. For example, last time we saw her for dinner around Christmas, she commented that I didn't eat enough vegetables. I also feel uncomfortable that they are paying for us. I prefer to pay my own way and when someone pays, there is an unspoken expectation that you do what they want during the trip.

I told DP that it was a nice idea but I wish he'd asked me. He got defensive and seemed annoyed. He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free. He made me feel ungrateful but I don't mean to be. I think it's kind of them to pay for us but I'd rather pay for myself and have a choice of what to do. He then started saying 'if you don't want to come that's fine, in fact we'll cancel. You don't want to go so it's pointless.' In the end I gave up discussing it and went to bed. I don't think he will cancel as he seems to want to go. I could suggest he goes alone but that will cause an argument.

Neither of us have mentioned it since. I am unsure now about what to do. If I say I'm not going, then it could cause conflict between me, him and his parents. If I go along with it, I miss my mum's birthday and I would probably be quite anxious while there. We both work a lot and don't get much time for holidays so I'm upset he's arranged this. AIBU to think he should have asked me first?

I read this in a thick Aussie accent 😊 . Am I right?!

I think he had good intentions but got it wrong It’s not just what he did. It’s the way he reacted to you when you told him that you wouldn’t be going along with his plans. It’s his turning it around on you, so you’re the ungrateful sod who didn’t appreciate his surprise. It’s his comment about how much time you spend with your family and his implication that you’ll be having a serious increase in contact with his parents if you have DC.

This is not just good intentions gone wrong. This is a warning you will regret not listening to.

OP, I'm going to list some behaviours that often controlling manipulative men do at the start of relationships but that aren't necessarily recognised or if they are recognised, they are dismissed because of perceived context/reasons. This is not definitive, of course, but gives a flavour. Do any of them resonate?

Relationship moves very quickly in the beginning. Declarations of love, soulmates or that the connection is so unusual. Wants to know everything about you. Wnats to tell you everything about him.

Too much intimate information, too early such as about chilldhood trauma, difficult relationships etc.

A "crazy" ex girlfriend/s

Moving in more quickly than is normal. For any number of reasons from extreme love and how serious the relationship is (as above), or perhaps because something bad has happened at work and now money is a problem or a falling out with a family member requiring them to move out, or the crazy ex etc etc. There's a REASON, sure, but it was nonetheless too early and maybe that reason was actually a bit flimsy in retrospect.

Ghosting or silent treatment during early arguments. Often excused on return with something like, "I just shut down - I love you so much and thinking youre angry with me just literaly make sme unable to function" or "I just needed to be alone to process my emotions because this was so triggering for me" or "I can't cope when you're upset with me."

Small comments or requests that lead to notable changes in behaviour. So not a big deal but you quickly realise he doesn't realy like it when you wear certain clothes, cook/eat certain foods etc. Or perhaps you quickly find that you're doing a lot of domestic chores because the sighing/eye rolling and jokey, "ooh, I thought this was a woman's job" comments become too much? Maybe, if you have a good job you stop talking about promotions and career advancement becuase of the subtle comments that make it clear he feels uncomfortable with that - because he wants you at home more or because he's earning less/has fewer career opportunities.

Wants to meet your family and friends and yet.... perhaps arguments before social events? Or arguments after, "I can't believe you told your mum that you had to clean the bathroom after I had a shower". Perhaps subtle digs, "wow, Mary is a bit of a handful, isn't she?" or less subtle comments, "Jenn really seems to think it's all about how good she is at her job isn't it, it's not an attractive quality." or "Penny is really punching above her weight with Dave?" or "Your brother is a bit of a mummy's boy, isn't he?"

Encourage yo unot to do things without him. Because he wants to spend all his time with you so why wouldn't you want to do the same? or because when yo ugo to the gym alone you're going to pick up men or men are goign to come on to you. Or because the girly dinner and drinks with your friends are inappropriate and childish....

I feel confident your P has displayed some of these.

But does he not know how you feel about his parents op?

If he does, then this wasn't a kind thing at all for him to agree to. It was a cowardly thing of him to do. He didn't want the conflict himself, so he pushed it on to you. There is nothing nice about that.

If he doesn't, then that also isn't great, because it means you cant communicate honestly with each other.

We all get on brilliantly at the beginning of relationships op. It can even last for years. The true test is when something goes wrong. Solve it together, or at loggerheads? If it's the latter, it doesn't bode well.

I don't think you have an equal relationship. I think this is innate for him unfortunately. Because could you ever reverse this? Say you're booked a spa week for a female friend of yours he doesn't gel with, and him. Present it as a surprise knowing he won't like it. Get shitty with him and tell him he's being ungrateful if he doesn't want to go. I imagine, of course not.

When he said I hope you're not this cold at the wedding he means he hopes you will just do as he pleases and be a push over.

This man wants to control you op, that's the reality, he doesn't want you to have any ideas or wants of your own that he doesn't agree with.

Do not marry him.

Historically he hasn't had the best relationship with her.

This is it! Like I said. Men think they can push the responsibility of having a relationship with their mothers onto their wives/girlfriends, on the basis you must get on as you are both women. That’s why he’s pissed you’re close with your mum, he wants you to be close to his and then he doesn’t have to make any effort/wont feel guilty.

There's a couple concerning things in your update.

Your partner thinks and says you are too close to your parents.

It seems your vacations to see his parents are also scheduled when your family is having birthdays so you miss seeing them and celebrating with them. Is this deliberate on his part?

He kept the fact you guys would be vacationing with his parents secret at first.

The cold at the wedding remark is yet another guilt trip.

You said you don't have a lot of friends.

He's speaking to you in unacceptable ways and treating you poorly

It sounds like he could be trying to isolate you from your family. He's pinging something on my hinky radar here.

You sound lovely, OP. Please think very hard about whether this is a good relationship for you. I recommend counselling (for yourself). The fact that this is a long relationship isn’t a reason to continue it. I don’t know how old you are. There are other, nice, kind men out there. I didn’t marry until I was 40. Kissed a lot of frogs in my twenties and thirties, for sure. Don’t settle.

This is all so true - you should pay attention Op.

To paraphrase Maya Angelou, he's showing you who he is, you should believe him.

‘If your idea of a “surprise” is a week away with your parents, on a date where I already have plans with my mum, then I don’t think I’m really missing out am I?! It’s not really a great surprise is it. Really lovely response from you by the way’

So he's a liar.
He lied about the booking.
He is jealous of your family.
He makes sure you have missed birthdays in the past.
He thinks you spend too much time with them.
He deliberately tries to isolate you from them.
You have no friends to talk to.
Could you be more vulnerable?

You are in a controlling relationship with a nasty abusive man.

Clearly you are determined to marry him and learn the hard way.
You will bitterly regret ignoring so many signs that he is toxic.
He will become far nastier and controlling after marriage and as soon as you get pregnant.
Text book abuser stuff.

Unfortunately it reads like you are determined to learn your life lessons the hard way.
Good luck.

@EvieSparkle how are you doing? I know you've had a lot to take in on here. It comes from a good place, though - there are some wise words on here even if they're tough to swallow. I had the same when I discovered MN - I didn't want half of what I read to be true, but it was.
I hope you are ok 🌷

@BestThingAtThisParty I'm doing OK, thank you for asking. Reading this thread has been difficult because I really love him. I know this incident doesn't paint him in the best light but people are complex. He has some wonderful qualities but also some concerning behaviours. His day-to-day behaviour is great but now and then he acts poorly. He has poor conflict resolution skills and probably unresolved issues around control and family dynamics that come out when he is frustrated.

I believe he is a good man. He works hard for us and we are saving together for our future. I am self-employed and he works for an international company, so he is the high earner of the relationship. He supports me with everything, has always been generous with money and tries to help however he can. Unlike previous relationships, I've never felt insecure about him cheating or looking at other women.

Last year, I had a sudden bereavement. We were abroad at the time for a concert. He did everything he could to help me, practically and emotionally. He organised last-minute flights so I could get back to my family. I was devastated and he helped me through it. Even now, he still listens to my ramblings of grief at night and never gets tired of it as other people have done. He has a good relationship with my mother and they text sometimes. I don't feel like he dislikes my family but I do feel like he struggles with the feeling of 'coming second'.

I can't imagine life without him. We do everything together. We exercise together, cook, travel, etc. He goes abroad for business trips sometimes and invites me along to see new places. It works well because my job is remote so I can work as normal during the day. He calls me most days on our lunch breaks to see how I am. I've never met anyone who cares for me so much and the thought of breaking up and him moving on and being with someone else makes me sick. I don't believe he is abusive. Perhaps we could go to counselling to try and fix the communication issues.

I know some people have questioned why I don't have many friends. It's not because of him but due to circumstances. I used to have a lot of friends during school and university but many moved away or drifted apart due to work/ families etc. He's the same. He has a friendship group from school but doesn't see them often.

I don't know. I'm so confused. We don't argue often but I hate it when we do. We always make up and we've never gone to bed on an argument but these last few days have made me question things. I don't like the way he acts sometimes, but then nobody is perfect.

He calls me most days on our lunch breaks to see how I am.

What happens if you don't answer?

@OhBling Nothing happens. If I'm busy, we chat another time.

He has another woman. His dm. She will always be his priority.. If you marry him your entire wedding day will have his voice in your head about being cold on the wedding day....
He has your back enough to convince you he has. The rest of the time he expects you to tow the line with his family....

Yup, stroppy child. Emotionally immature and a mummy’s boy. Why the buggery would he tell you about her comments re your size? My dh wouldn’t dream of recounting such a conversation.

You're right that the wedding day comment has stuck in my mind. I have no idea why he said that or what he even meant. Cold how? Towards who? I've been nothing but excited about the wedding so I'm upset about it tbh.

I think you need to have a calm conversation -

Like I said up post - this isn’t about his mother - it’s about you and you DH -

That you sort things together - he can go for a week with his family - same as you can - or maybe he likes his family more when you are there as you refuse the tension or take the brunt of it!

Maybe that’s the difference - he wants you included - where as you like to be alone with your mum?

Maybe there’s a compromise? Maybe he needs a friends holiday?

He's offered to cancel... accept this offer.

You're absolutely right he should have discussed first. It sounds a bit deliberate? The way you worked it out from the photo.

The way he inferred it was already booked...

I think he knew you wouldn't want to do this. So he went ahead without saying anything.

Would you consider postponing the wedding? It's obvious that you have love him and that he has good qualities, but his issues around communication and conflict resolution are significant and you would be taking a huge risk in forging ahead with a marriage without these issues being resolved.

There are some things in a relationship that can be overlooked and none of us are perfect. We all behave, from time to time, in ways that we are not proud of. And we hope that our spouse will look beyond these moments and love us regardless. However someone who is consistently unable to communicate and resolve conflict in a healthy way is not a good prospect for marriage. He has A LOT of work to do on himself before he is ready to be someone's husband.

I know it's exciting to be preparing for a wedding and you feel a certain amount of pressure once the news is out and the date is set, but if you were my sister I would be very VERY strongly advising you to forget the wedding for now and see if this man can actually resolve his issues and become someone worthy of marriage. If he doesn't change, your life has the potential to be absolutely miserable. Love alone is not enough.

As far as I know, it's cancelled. I haven't brought it up again since the other day. I don't want to talk about it with him any more.

@Fargo79 Thanks for your advice. We have already postponed the wedding back a year at my request. There wasn't one big thing that triggered it but there was an incident where he spoke to me rudely about something that wasn't my fault and I was so fed up and annoyed about it that I decided I needed more time to consider such a big decision. I explained to him that I wanted to wait and he was fine with it. Both he and my family think the main reason I postponed it was to save up more money. But really it's because I was confused and unsure.

You're right about the pressure. There is a lot riding on this, financially and emotionally. If I postponed it again I think he would think I wasn't bothered about marrying him. I'm not sure the relationship would last. But I need to give this some thought and have a conversation with him about conflict resolution. I did bring it up in the past and he was open to working on it but we never got round to booking a counsellor or anything.

He didn't tell.you before he agreed to go because he knew you wouldn't like it. You have a trip with your mum, him with his.

Sorry hadn't rtft.

He seems a bit...intense.
It.would be better if you had a life outside of each other. What about his exes? Do you know why they didn't work out?

I hope OP is ok. This really would be the final straw for me. Really wouldn’t like to marry into a family like this.