To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

[EvieSparkle]

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation. My DP and I were discussing where to go on holiday this summer. We had mentioned some places but not really made any decisions yet. Yesterday evening, he told me he'd booked somewhere for a week in June. I was surprised that he'd gone ahead and booked something without discussing it with me, especially as the dates he booked included my mum's birthday when I was planning on booking her a weekend away to celebrate. I couldn't be with her last year for work reasons. I told him this and he just said 'oh, I forgot, maybe you can celebrate another day.'

Also, his parents will be there. Every year, they go away for a month to a mountainous resort in Europe. He's booked us in at the same resort because apparently 'they know the person who owns all the chalets'. After some discussion, it seems that all this was sorted between them on WhatsApp without involving me, and that his parents are paying for it. We just have to pay for flights.

I'm not very happy about it. I wish he had asked me first before going ahead with it. I like his parents and I don't mind seeing them now and then to have dinner together but I don't want to spend a week on holiday with them. I find his mum tricky to deal with, as she is judgemental about people's eating habits and weight and we had a rough time last summer because she kept commenting that I'd gained weight, which upset me. I'm a size 10/12 so not big. She's also controlling and you have to be very firm with her - not exactly a recipe for a relaxing holiday. They are from a different country and speak no English so I have to communicate with them through DP. I am learning their language but my ability is limited.

To be honest, I limit the time I spend with her as I am always self-conscious that she's judging my figure. For example, last time we saw her for dinner around Christmas, she commented that I didn't eat enough vegetables. I also feel uncomfortable that they are paying for us. I prefer to pay my own way and when someone pays, there is an unspoken expectation that you do what they want during the trip.

I told DP that it was a nice idea but I wish he'd asked me. He got defensive and seemed annoyed. He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free. He made me feel ungrateful but I don't mean to be. I think it's kind of them to pay for us but I'd rather pay for myself and have a choice of what to do. He then started saying 'if you don't want to come that's fine, in fact we'll cancel. You don't want to go so it's pointless.' In the end I gave up discussing it and went to bed. I don't think he will cancel as he seems to want to go. I could suggest he goes alone but that will cause an argument.

Neither of us have mentioned it since. I am unsure now about what to do. If I say I'm not going, then it could cause conflict between me, him and his parents. If I go along with it, I miss my mum's birthday and I would probably be quite anxious while there. We both work a lot and don't get much time for holidays so I'm upset he's arranged this. AIBU to think he should have asked me first?

Sounds like your partner has inherited some of his mother’s traits.

Interesting the use of the word surprise.

in all my years, I have only had a man organise a surprise for me once. It was a trip in our home city at the time ( London), to a well known tourist destination. He announced he was taking me on a surprise one day, so we set off to this unknown place ( using my season ticket, so no cost to him). When we arrived at the particular building, I was confused as, whilst I had never been to this place before, I had also never mentioned it or expressed any interest in going there. It was free entry, and I was just. A but perplexed by the whole thing. There was a part of the building that you could visit for a small extra fee, and I ended up paying for us both to go to that bit as I was interested in that part but he wasn’t bothered.

At the end of the visit, he to me to a part of the building which had a plaque dedicated to an ancestor of his, and It all became clear: he felt that he should visit this place for his own purpose, and didn’t want to go alone, but also knew that I wouldn’t be that bothered about going and would suggest other places instead that I would prefer if he brought it up. The only way that he could get me to do this thing that he felt he should do, was to take away my agency and classify it as a surprise. The fact that I ended up paying for my own transport and the annex entry fee was a bonus. It cost him nothing, but in his eyes gave him brownie points for organising a surprise.

I stayed with him for another months until his utter self-centeredness finally got too much.

Would you have been expecting him to come on the trip with your mum? If so, I can understand him being a bit miffed that you won’t holiday with his parents. If you were intending to go alone and he would have been ok with this, just tell him to go alone with his parents and you can spend time together another time. Won’t break apart won’t hurt.

Honestly, LTB! He sounds pointless

Exactly this.
And the "again with this" ?!? SO rude!

This is manipulation to prevent you from complaining. OP I know people can be quick to say get rid on here but your DP is displaying some big red flags - booking something which is a financial commitment without discussing it, not caring about how it impacts plans you've made, not caring about the fact that it means spending time with people you aren't keen on and then trying to control your reaction and make him the victim.
Often controlling behaviour is slow to creep up and it's the boiling frog theory - the frog doesn't notice the water getting hotter and hotter until it's too late.
I'd be wanting some clear boundaries, a real change of behaviours before considering marriage and honestly I do think if this is a pattern, even with small stuff this would be a sign to end things.

I'd refuse to go end of and they can lump it.

Thanks for your replies so far.
@Namechanged4obviousreasons No I wouldn't expect him to come, I was thinking of a weekend away just me and my mum.

He didn't mention the in-laws at first. Just said he'd booked the week away and sent me photos of the chalet. I think he expected me to be excited but I recognised it as the place his parents go every year and then he confirmed they would be there at the same time.

We argued about this last night. I told him I won’t tolerate being spoken to the way he has been speaking to me. He thinks I was being disrespectful for turning down a kind gesture, but I don’t see it that way. He also said I’m "too close" with my family - whatever that means - and that I always put them before him.

He told me he’s not used to people making such a big deal out of a parent’s birthday. In his view, sending a simple "happy birthday" message is normal, but planning a trip is excessive. I disagreed and pointed out how hypocritical it was for him to say that when he had planned a holiday with his parents without even discussing it with me. Also, I've missed quite a few family birthdays recently when we've gone abroad to visit his parents so that isn't even true.

The good news is that he hadn't actually booked it, only asked the woman to reserve the chalet for that week. So it's annoying that he led me to believe it was a financial commitment. He could have approached the whole thing differently by saying "my parents asked if we wanted to reserve a chalet in June" and this could all have been avoided.

That led to another argument about how I supposedly don’t want to spend time with his family. He doesn’t seem to understand that a week-long holiday is very different from spending a few hours together occasionally. He then questioned how things would work if we had a child - implying that I’d be unreasonable about letting his parents see them. I never said anything like that, and it’s completely unfair for him to assume I would.

Then he made a comment that I really don’t understand. He said, "I hope you won’t be this cold at the wedding." I don’t think I was cold to anyone. So today I'm feeling confused and unsure about everything.

It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this.

Don’t be manipulated into agreeing by his comments about never surprising you again- the answer to that of course is “good”
Do think about whether marriage is the right choice

He is not a nice man OP. Honestly, I don't think you should marry him.

I wish Mumsnet had been on my radar when I was in your position, engaged and with doubts due to his difficult, manipulative nature. There were a lot of signs things weren't right but I was always manipulated or gaslit into shutting up in the end.

We got married, had kids. What should have been the best time was made HARD by him. Now, I'm divorced - thankfully. But life isn't easy practically or financially. I'm in a wonderful relationship now but even that is complicated because of both having DC, different households, lives etc.

I really wish I'd been brave and ended it before we'd got married. Part of me knew, but part of me was in love and had crap self-esteem. With age and wisdom I see that I was also scared, and also didn't want to lose face. This is not just about the holiday, I'm willing to bet he's a wrong 'un. I wish I'd held out for a good, decent person. Don't settle, you only have one life.

Imagine this when your married with children,him doing as he pleases with your children and inviting his mum to the birth ..
You can imagine exactly how it will be .
He's showing you a glimpse of your future here

'It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this.'

You're right that it's very easy to say LTB when it's someone else's life, and you're right that every relationship has problems. However, everything you have shared in this thread makes him sound controlling, petty and manipulative. Making plans behind your back and then saying that you should be grateful for the 'surprise' - not a good look. He's not handling this conflict at all well.

His parents seem to be beyond criticism in his
eyes. His mother sounds very judgemental and unpleasant. He may be dealing with the fear, obligation and guilt that goes with having overbearing parents, and if so he has my sympathy - it's very painful and confusing - but he's trying to put the blame on you, and that's just not fair. It's also really concerning that you say you don't have many friends - that leaves you isolated and without much support.

He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free Not a lot of people plan holidays without any input from the person they’re going with, either. It’s not some romantic surprise to the destination of your dreams, where he’d already checked that you were free. It’s a week with his mum and dad at a time that is totally inconvenient to you. This is not a lovely, kind thing he has done for you.

Before you marry him, I think that you need to ask yourself whether you want to be posting in AIBU for the rest of your life. Because if you’re happy coming second to his mum, and putting up with her little digs, or being made to feel like you’re the one in the wrong when you don’t go along with what he wants, then great; you’re in for fun. But none of these things make for a long or happy marriage. Think very carefully. It’s more expensive and traumatic to get divorced than it is to say goodbye to some deposits and walk away free and clear.

And for Gods sake don’t have DC until you’re absolutely certain that you’re happy spending your life being directed, gaslighted and insulted.

It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this.

You need to talk to someone, if you can. What about counselling? Just for you.
Are you sure you were happy until this? I'd be surprised if there weren't other issues. I also used to tell myself 'every relationship has problems' - but a difficult personality thing is entirely different from a healthy couple having the odd niggle. I know this now that I'm in a healthy relationship - the way things are approached are entirely different, it's like night and day compared to how much conflict was caused by any disagreement with my ex.

I also think his comment about making a big deal about birthdays and too much time with your family is very controlling. He should be happy for you to do nice things for and with your family. It's like he's trying to gobble you up into his world, and his parents, regardless of what you want.

The 'cold at the wedding' thing is truly nasty. He's not a good guy.

good relationships don’t have those problems. They don’t have sulking hypocrites who think one rule for their families and another for yours and will always put that pressure on you and are already guilt tripping you about children and basically lie to you to try and get you to go along with situations they want and know you won’t enjoy (not mentioning his parents, telling you it’s booked) snap like passive aggressive little children when you react perfectly reasonably. ‘I hope you won’t be this cold on our wedding day’ ewww so much ick. You’d be tired and stressed on maternity leave with a 3 week old and he’d be doing fuck all and you’d plan to visit your mum thinking you would have some help at least and he’d say snarkily ‘I knew you’d play favorites, it’s proof you’re never going to let my parents form a bond with our child if you don’t take baby for a week with them before going to your mums for a week.’ That’s the kind of man he is.

The confusing thing is that he's had my back before when his mother has been out of line. Once she texted me about needing to get back in shape. He phoned her immediately and told her it was unacceptable and that she shouldn't comment on people's weight. Historically he hasn't had the best relationship with her. They were non-contact for a few years in his early 20s (before he met me) because of her controlling behaviour. So it's not that he puts her first all the time. But on this occasion, he acted really out of character. I think he had good intentions but got it wrong.

Lot of red flags in your update.

1 It was NOT a real surprise. He didn't even tel you the truth about the event. Claiming it was a surprise was just the first step in his DARVo technique.

2 Any man who tells me I am "disrespectful" by definition is a red flag for me. Disrespect is an old fashioned word that has very clear connotations of heirachy. Disrespecting a teacher. Disrespecting an organisation etc. Note that the positive version, "respect" doesn't always have the same connotations but can. But in this instance, you are definitely being portrayed as someone who should be actively showing respect "upwards" to him and his family.

3 You are "too close" with your family. I said earlier that I wonder if he's tried alienating you from your family and friends yet.... I bet this isn't the only such complaint. Also very interesting that these trips to visit his family seem to co-incide with major life events for YOUR family. Does he make visiting your family difficult? Cause arguments before a night out with your friends or before seeing your mum? Complain if you spend time with certain friends who are "bad influences"? Also, you don't have "many" friends. Why is that?

4 Absolutely hypocritical that you can't go away for a weekend with your mum but you're all supposed to go away with his family for a week.

5 He lied to yo to manipulate you abou twhether or not he'd paid - in order to force you to agree to the holiday. This suggests pre-meditation and a complete awareness that you would not be happy.

6 Accusing you of being cold and being slightly threatening with it - he's ensuring that he pre-empts any behaviour rby you that he is not happy with. In this instance, this accusation of being cold is designed to ensure that you are over accomodating, over friendly, over lovign to his family in a desperate attempt to negate any suggestino that you are "cold".

The holiday isn't even the issue. Neither are the comments from his mum. The whole issue is his sense of priorities, the way he deals with conflict and his lack of communication skills. When you're married to someone for a lifetime, you're going to have far bigger things to deal with than a disagreement over a badly thought out holiday. You'll have times where you disagree on massive, life-altering decisions. Times where one/both of you are under enormous strain. Health issues. Bereavements. Job losses or house renovations. If you have children you will have to work together on a million decisions over the years to be good parents to them, and if you have a DC with additional needs or a disability then you will be under immense strain trying to advocate for them. Marriage requires so much more than just a few shared interests or the same sense of humour. You need real commitment and a true willingness to leave the ego at the door and really listen to each other and want to work together. It really doesn't sound like your boyfriend is capable of this. And I'm sure that he's not a bad guy, and you're thinking it all sounds very dramatic because he's not abusive etc. But please do yourself a favour and really, really think about what married life looks like with him.

Thinking about my personal situation and the landscape of my life 2 decades after my wedding to DH, I cannot imagine navigating the challenges we have faced/are currently facing with a man like your boyfriend. The relationship would not have lasted and it certainly would not have been a happy one. Nobody knows what life has in store. You need to choose very wisely.

This isn't about his mother, that's why it's confusing. It's about him starting to ramp up his attempt to control you. He's just using his mother and his family as the tool to do this, in this instance. It's actually quite common.

Happily the planned week clashes with your mum's birthday and you'd planned something for that. So you can't go on this holiday, with no regret.

Watch Alice, Darling on Netflix. I know you don't see it as abusive but if you can relate to a smidge of it, or any part feels vaguely familiar you might think differently. Being with someone controlling, even at a low level, is an awful way to live. You will not be happy.

He then questioned how things would work if we had a child - implying that I’d be unreasonable about letting his parents see them. I never said anything like that, and it’s completely unfair for him to assume I would Exactly how much time is he envisioning your DC spending with his family? Where do they live? Does he have visions of them coming to stay for months at a time? Or your DC going to stay with them for every school holiday?

Then he made a comment that I really don’t understand. He said, "I hope you won’t be this cold at the wedding." I don’t think I was cold to anyone. So today I'm feeling confused and unsure about everything. You challenged him. He’s telling you that he doesn’t like it when you don’t go along with what he wants.

It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this. Were you happy because he was always lovely to you? Or were you happy because you never said no to him and just went along with whatever he wanted? And every relationship does have problems. But healthy relationships don’t have problems all the time, or have problems when one person doesn’t want to do something.

You’ve been very lucky. He’s shown you your future before you marry him and have children with him. Trust yourself. You know his reaction isn’t normal or healthy.

He is twisting everything you say and isn't actually being truthful. How he can say that you wanting a short break with your mum for her birthday is you 'being too close to your family', but him booking a week's holiday with his parents without consulting you but expecting you to come, is perfectly fine? He sounds mean and controlling. He's already setting up a scenario that if you have a child, he will make sure that his parents are put first.

Even if you don't LTB, I would re-think getting married.

I rarely say LTB but in this case yes I think you should heed the warning signs and not marry.
If you marry this will continue and potentially worsen.
His Mother will not change - take it from one who knows.

It always baffles me (and pisses me off) when people say you should be grateful for something you don’t want.

Don’t go. He can go by himself and you can celebrate your mum’s birthday on the day. She can’t choose her birthday but they can choose when to go on holiday