To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

[EvieSparkle]

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation. My DP and I were discussing where to go on holiday this summer. We had mentioned some places but not really made any decisions yet. Yesterday evening, he told me he'd booked somewhere for a week in June. I was surprised that he'd gone ahead and booked something without discussing it with me, especially as the dates he booked included my mum's birthday when I was planning on booking her a weekend away to celebrate. I couldn't be with her last year for work reasons. I told him this and he just said 'oh, I forgot, maybe you can celebrate another day.'

Also, his parents will be there. Every year, they go away for a month to a mountainous resort in Europe. He's booked us in at the same resort because apparently 'they know the person who owns all the chalets'. After some discussion, it seems that all this was sorted between them on WhatsApp without involving me, and that his parents are paying for it. We just have to pay for flights.

I'm not very happy about it. I wish he had asked me first before going ahead with it. I like his parents and I don't mind seeing them now and then to have dinner together but I don't want to spend a week on holiday with them. I find his mum tricky to deal with, as she is judgemental about people's eating habits and weight and we had a rough time last summer because she kept commenting that I'd gained weight, which upset me. I'm a size 10/12 so not big. She's also controlling and you have to be very firm with her - not exactly a recipe for a relaxing holiday. They are from a different country and speak no English so I have to communicate with them through DP. I am learning their language but my ability is limited.

To be honest, I limit the time I spend with her as I am always self-conscious that she's judging my figure. For example, last time we saw her for dinner around Christmas, she commented that I didn't eat enough vegetables. I also feel uncomfortable that they are paying for us. I prefer to pay my own way and when someone pays, there is an unspoken expectation that you do what they want during the trip.

I told DP that it was a nice idea but I wish he'd asked me. He got defensive and seemed annoyed. He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free. He made me feel ungrateful but I don't mean to be. I think it's kind of them to pay for us but I'd rather pay for myself and have a choice of what to do. He then started saying 'if you don't want to come that's fine, in fact we'll cancel. You don't want to go so it's pointless.' In the end I gave up discussing it and went to bed. I don't think he will cancel as he seems to want to go. I could suggest he goes alone but that will cause an argument.

Neither of us have mentioned it since. I am unsure now about what to do. If I say I'm not going, then it could cause conflict between me, him and his parents. If I go along with it, I miss my mum's birthday and I would probably be quite anxious while there. We both work a lot and don't get much time for holidays so I'm upset he's arranged this. AIBU to think he should have asked me first?

Do you really want to marry this man. His parents aren’t going to disappear when you marry. It will get worse.

no way in hell I'd go but I suffered through a few 'free' vacations with overbearing family when I was younger and learned the hard way that your instinct to pay your own way is much better for everyone.

I'd dig my heels in on this and refuse to go

I suppose from his POV he was thinking wow, a free holiday, what’s not to love, and agreed to it without consulting you because he assumed you’d think the same. But obviously not taking consideration how you’d feel about a week away with his parents. I’m guessing you haven’t expressed to him your true feelings about his parents, for the sake of not offending him. So he probably didn’t realise how strongly you’d feel about spending a week away with them.

I don’t think what he’s done is a massive red flag, the sulking isn’t great though. I guess he’s just feeling a bit like you’ve rejected his family. But fuck don’t go just to keep him happy, now is the time to explain to him that you expect to be consulted on matters such as holidays, and not have those decisions made for you. And sadly this time he got it wrong and this holiday doesn’t work for you.

I get it, I really like my DP’s family but a week away on holiday with them wouldn’t feel like much of a holiday.

I think this can be smoothed over, your mum’s birthday is a good reason not to cause too much offence to his parents by not going. But it’s definitely time to lay some ground rules down about big decisions going forward.

You marry him you will have the rest of your life to regret it.

This isn't you. It's him. If he can't behave reasonably and normally over a week's holiday without somehow blaming you and having a strop, you've got sod all chance when the going actually does get rough.

Don't marry him. Don't choose this for yourself. Life shouldn't be this hard. You'd be much happier and freer and more peaceful without him and his family bearing down over you for the rest of your life, surely? Don't do it.

What a petulant little twat of a mummy’s boy. And mummy is a bitchy twat, too.

Don’t go. Better still, don’t marry into that family.

I wouldn’t be going. He’s being controlling in assuming you want to go, and are happy to go at that time

You want to do something with your mother, so he can go with his parents and you go with your mother

Hopefully he then learns to communicate first

I would just go back and say thanks will do

This guy doesn't have your back. He's fine with his nasty mom being rude as fuck to your face. He makes major plans without even asking you and sulks when you say anything about that. That's controlling. You're already walking on eggshells around him and his parents. You're expected to dump your own family for his that can't even be bothered to be welcoming or pleasant.

This is a really bad start for a relationship. Why do you want to get in deeper here?

What a twat. He wasn’t surprising you, he was pleasing his parents.

I would go away with your mum and tell
go with his parents. He should see you’re not a doormat.

And seriously consider postponing your marriage.

To be clear I meant apologise in the formal sense- ‘sends her apologies’ ie explain that you aren’t coming.

"Good. Because I don't want surprises holidays. I want holidays that I have a say in planning"

I think your boyfriend wanted to go without you and knew you wouldn't want to go. I mean how much fun would it be for you with the 3 of them conversing in his language.

Do you and this current boyfriend live togther? If not I wouldn't bother, just remain unmarried.

Perfect. You dont want to be surprised with holidays you wont enjoy where the timing doesn’t suit.
do you want to marry him op? Spend the rest of your life with this sooky child? I expect my marriage to be a partnership.

Suggest adding your mum to the week long trip with his parents. His answer will help you decide your next move.

He definitely should have asked you and he's being unreasonable, but I doubt I'd turn down a free holiday to make the point.

I don't think he's ready for marriage. Too much of a momma's boy. Proceed at your own peril.

You’re approaching this wrong.

getting married next year so:
set your stall
don’t let them think they can cook up plans like this together

I would be furious if my DH did something like this (but he wouldn’t).

Really think about how you both are resolving conflicts like this (communicating like adults, no huffing, sulking etc) because you don’t have to sign up for a lifetime of this.

Have you both discussed your future plans, ambitions, work plans, expectations re holidays and who with, if you hope to have children.
Don’t stumble into marriage. It’s a long slog if the person is going to disregard your feelings.

At no point in any of this has he sat down and thought “this will be a lovely surprise for EvieSparkle”.

a nice surprise would have been you guys discussing a holiday, both liking when and where but you maybe feeling it was a bit expensive and him Booking it and saying ‘my treat’.

he has simply spoken to his parents who’ve told him Where they’re going and said they’ll book some accommodation for him too.

hes put zero effort in and hasn’t consulted you or checked you’re actually able to go.

think long and hard about whether this is the way you want your relationship to be and whether him sulking in this way is in any way attractive or even remotely acceptable way to behave when in the wrong (hint, it’s not)

I think if this is the way he communicates with you when he doesn't get what he wants, I'd be rethinking the future marriage. Seriously, if he can't see that booking a holiday is something you should do together, that's a worry. The fact that he seems to think it's ok for his mother to comment on your weight is also a red flag.

You know those threads where women post that the men suddenly changed after marriage/kids/illness? And there were no warning signs?

I imagine the relationship started like this. With red flags every-fucking-where.

@EvieSparkle you would be a complete fool to marry this man. Marrying into a family where his parents don’t respect you and he takes their side and ignores your feelings is a recipe for a complete shit show of a marriage.

But I know you’ll ignore it so just keep it in the back of your mind when he starts ramping up the controlling and the disrespect.

'Oh, sweetie - surprise! I've booked us a holiday! And the best bit is - we're going with my parents!'

In what way does he consider this to be a surprise that you woud welcome? I mean - really? Why would he think that? Or - he didn't think you 'd welcome it but thought you'd put up and shut up? Not good.

Please don't marry this man. He is not putting you first and never will.

Let him go for a week with his parents. You don't have to go if not consulted. You can have a lovely time with your DM for her birthday. You need to draw this line in the sand now, or you will be in all sorts of difficulty in the future.

Nasty.
You will bitterly regret marrying this twat.

This!