Financial abuse?

[Clmt]

Long story short, my sons dad told me he wont be paying for him anymore and will not be having him overnight one night every weekend, because I simply asked him to have him on the weekend he was due to have him? (He said I misunderstood, although I have texts that show we both understood the schedule).

He has been on a 'career break' for 7 months, since I filed for CMS (our son is 8 months old) and has got money (I worked in HR at our company so I know exactly how much money he took home each month. Before the left he took home £75k in one month in commission).

I filed for court because he can't stick to a schedule and financially abuses me.

What do you make of these messages and what do you suggest I do?

My maternity pay ends next month and benefits won't cover me. I'm looking for work but as of yet haven't had any luck.

My organisation literally was a shit show and had no rules whatsoever. I would name and shame but then it would completely give away my identity.

You are cutting off your nose by not going back to your job, he has left and why should you be the one who is punished for someone else’s affair. Go back , hold your head high let them see that they have nothing over you.

Your Ex is being a dick but he is not abusing you financially.

I worked in HR at my partner’s company and was forbidden from seeing his record. I know you say your company was a shit show but it’s the principle; accessing his financial information is gross misconduct. Just because nobody stopped you doesn’t mean it was ok to do.

As long as nobody finds out then you’ll be ok but don’t let him know you know or he could report you and you could be dismissed for gross misconduct. I’ve seen this exact thing happen before. I’m saying this to help you even if it may not sound that way. Be so careful.

I wanted to leave for other reasons, terrible place to work! And this was the cherry on top

I would go through CMS. He won't be unemployed forever and atleast that way you do not have to deal with him.

Well stop doing what he wants!
Hes got you wrapped around his little finger!
You make a date with him when he’s going to have his child and if he cancels so be it, you need to stop sending aggressive messages to him, if it goes to court then he’s got evidence of your behaviour towards him!

@Clmt go back, secure yours and your child’s future. Look for new jobs when you know how you are going to eat and pay your bills.

it is easier to find a job when you are already in one.

And who will pay the childcare?
In my area its £1500 per month for full time and I wont get any free hours until April.

I will also never see my son with the long hours. Thet are not agreeing to any flexibility with me

If you are on maternity you are still employed. If you are not employed you are not on maternity and are simply unemployed in which case you need to look if you are entitled to UC or anything.

If you are employed, you need to go back to work until you have a new job to go to. At least then you can financially provide for your child.

I have read those messages and you are both being really confusing. I couldn't work out if he had paid you or not, or if he was seeing his child or not so his comment about a misunderstanding seems valid.

When I take a stand I get a barrage of abuse, which is why I filed for court. He is abusive towards me which I have extensive evidence of.

Then I start doubting myself as he makes me feel guilty

This was a conversation following an original argument he started. So I can see why to an outsider it can seem confusing. I should have been clearer in my post.

He told he was stopping paying because he was supposed to have him this weekend. We both agreed. On the day he cancelled and told me I better be home to take our son back because hes not having him. Apparantly I misunderstood which weekend he was having him, despite him agreeing it was that weekend. I have all the proof in messages. He simply gaslighted me so the had an excuse to cancel our son and go out

So as punishment, hes not paying me now or having our son weekly. He will have him every 2 weeks.

He just doesnt want me to move on with my life, or even have a life

There are 2 separate issues here - contact and finances.

Then there is a dickhead ex who is going to make life as difficult as possible for you. That is not going to change. My expectation would be that in one years time he will never see your son, based on his current behaviour.

All you can do is manage your own life. Budget as if you do not receive any money from him. You cant rely on him.

With contact, you are correct that it is best for your son if you have a clear consistent schedule. Tell him that. Frame every message you send as if it will be read in court one day. Stick to facts, do not rise to his bait, centre your child first in everything. So "it is best for LO to have consistent regular contact with you. I propose x y z until he is age 1. Then i propose abc. Can you confirm if you agree. "

Once you have an agreed schedule, do not deviate. If he does not turn up then your son is not available until the next scheduled contact.

The suggestion to use a parenting app is a good one. Then messages cannot be deleted.

Just remember this man is always going to be a deadbeat and a dickhead. He is not your priority. Your son is. Ignore the dickhead as much as possible and accept that he will do the bare minimum. Yes its not fair. But focus on achieving peace for yourself and the best life you can for you and LO.

You need to completely grey rock him. No emotion, no showing frustration, don’t rise to him baiting you.

Stop all the back and forth arguing messages.

If he messages you about something irrelevant, just ignore it.

Only message him about contact. Short and factual messages. Never show you are upset or annoyed - that’s exactly what he wants, he is enjoying the power over you, enjoying winding you up. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

If you show you are desperate for a break and desperately want him to take the child for the weekend, he gets power over you by refusing that. If he cancels contact say “no problem, I miss him so much when he’s away, will be nice for me to have some extra time with him this weekend.”

Don’t discuss money again, just go through CMS. He will have to return to work soon I’m guessing. He likes the power he feels by withholding money from you, knowing that you are struggling.

Yes he’s a twat. We all agree with that. But you aren’t currently helping yourself. Play smart.

It seemed like he was just saying that if he gave you money to bring your son to him and you didn’t bring him then what was the point of paying. It sounds like he’d be happy to see him every week and pay you £500 per month for that if you would actually bring him. That’s going off those specific messages.

I’m pretty sure CM is only about £400 per month even if he’s working so I don’t see why you think you’d get more than that. It is generous to give you £500 when he isn’t even working. It sounds like what you want is a share of his assets and/or spousal maintenance. You won’t get anything like that if you weren’t married. CM is a pittance. £500 is actually pretty good going.

The courts would expect you to get a job. HR is pretty family friendly. I appreciate that you can’t go back to the old company but what’s stopping you from getting a different job?

and you’re looking for work?

So how are you going to manage rent, bills, life?

but now you are unemployed
with a baby
and no job on the horizon

No he only agreed to pay me at all so I can drive him 2 hours each way to see him as he decided to move the other side of London! He says the money is for petrol.

He agreed to have him weekly, until he cancelled, then somehow it was my fault and he said no, I backtrack on that agreement now and I wont pay.

When he was working, CMS awarded me £1350 per month. He then quit work, told everyone hes on a break, and CMS amended it to £0. Hes still unemployed apparantly. He took home £75,000.00 on his last month of work 7 months ago (works in head of sales).

I have messages from him stating he is going to quit work and hide his money so I get nothing. He promised this when I was 6 months pregnant.

I said Im not dropping or picking up anymore cos if he going to stop paying, then I cant afford it.

My plan is to work part time and UC part time until April when I can afford full time childcare. Then I will find full time work thats flexible. He still should be responsible for his son...

I am going for a different job

Ah ok. That does sound abusive. Definitely show the courts that evidence. Good luck.

Do you have anyone else like family who can babysit? Spending your time with your child IS moving on and having a life. Relying on him for money and breaks isn’t moving on, it’s setting yourself up for failure. He isn’t going to be a great or reliable dad so you need to change your mindset and see anything he does as a bonus for your child. Don’t let him no you are so bothered all the time, if he says he’s not having the baby just say ‘oh that’s a shame, DS would have enjoyed it, see you next time’ and rant about it to someone else. He will soon her bored of winding you up if that’s what he’s doing.

Thats not even the worst of what hes done.
But yes, he is abusive hence my tone when I speak to him.

But having read everyones advice, Im nervous about court now because it only sounds like if anything at all, they will just stop contact at all with him and my son. Which isnt the aim.

My aim is to get a set schedule so it cant keep changing. And if they can make him pay consistently, that would be great

You make a good point. I just try to facilitate their relationship because thats what I am supposed to do apparantly regardless of how awful he is!

When he was working, CMS awarded me £1350 per month

but you say you both left at the same time is presumably when you left to have your baby

and you’ve not been to CMS before i thought