They never returned the invite. Now I dread the school gates ! Please help!

[Rubberduckyyy]

We moved to a new area from north down south.Two children one in reception on one in y2.

A school mum invited us over all over for a formal dinner as her children are in the same class as us . It was a lovely gesture and they had made a huge effort .

I want to state I am an anxious person and generally abit socially awkward! I worry a lot .

I found the dinner stressful due to my anxiety . During the dinner the mum asked me what we were doing for Ds’s birthday and I said - something as a family I struggle a lot with a lot of people , I get quite awkward socially !

I actually surprised myself that this came out of my mouth and regretted saying it. Anyway the dinner party was fine.

The following month I invited them to our home as whilst I was so nervous I did not want to appear rude . It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along . Nothing went wrong but we weren’t chatting away as sometimes it happens where you just click!

Anyway - that was last year. Since then we haven’t heard from the couple. I can’t help but feel it was like they interviewed us and realized they didn’t like us . I almost feel like I let them down. I feel like we were not good enough . I feel embarrassed .Like they had high hopes we would be friends and our children would be but it just didn’t work .

I did send a message at Christmas to which she replied but then not again. The thing is I feel so embarrassed every time to go to school drop off and pick up. We kind of mumble an awkward hello. I find myself dreading seeing them.

AIBU? Most probably ! How do I stop
Feeling so embarrassed . I It’s like they decided they didn’t like us ! I can’t get over that. It’s not that I expect people
To like me it’s just I feel
Mortified !

Why do you want to put yourself through that again?

It sounds to me like nothing has happened and this is your social anxiety making you overthink. I also suffer from this, so I can sympathise. I don't think you have anything to feel mortified about at all. There hasn't been a falling out or anything.

Your over thinking it, people sometimes just don’t gel or get on it’s part of life.

It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along . Nothing went wrong but we weren’t chatting away as sometimes it happens where you just click!

You've said it yourself OP, you just didn't "click".
No need to be embarrassed any more than she should!

Maybe you're right. Maybe they realised they didn't like you, you were too awkward to hang out with, too anxious and uncomfortable for them.

So? You're well shot. Now you don't have to stress about going over again. Why feel mortified?

I understand you’re the personality type to let this grind on you, but it really isn’t worth it. The energy you’re spending on it far outweighs any good it will do you. It will do you no good at all. You didn’t particularly care for their company either – stop making you the negative element in this scenario.

You found it stressful and not enjoyable, you told her you’re not good in social situations, she probably doesn’t want to put you through that again! Why do you want to go through that again?!

Op it sounds as though you didn’t particularly enjoy their company either, I would just forget about it and move on. You have spent 2 evenings together which you say were ok but you didn’t click, they probably feel the same, even a budding new friendship should be more enjoyable than OK. She possibly feels as uncomfortable as you do.

Well you didn’t click and it was awkward, it’s just a fact of life. Just shrug it off - she’s not the authority awarded the powers of ultimate judgement over you, she’s a woman who may have her own feelings about it not quite working out socially between you. And it doesn’t matter. Relax and be briefly friendly when you see her and look to connecting with other acquaintances. You’ve done nothing wrong @Rubberduckyyy so just put it behind you.

Perhaps they're actually very caring, thoughtful people? You'd already told them you struggle with social occasions, you did the right thing by returning the invite but they were aware that it was an ordeal for you so have done the kind thing and let it drop. I'd interact at the school gate as though neither get-togethers had ever happened and just be thankful you don't have to repeat something that obviously made you uncomfortable. Well done them 👏

We (DH and I) had the exact same thing happen to us as a couple, trying to make friends in our village when we first moved here. One couple we just never gelled with despite an afternoon tea invite (they hosted, and it felt so awkward) and two dinners (we hosted, it was better but not brilliant). It's fine, we just didn't gel, really had nothing but our ages in common. I felt like you, that we had done something wrong but, after living here a few years now and getting along with other couples quite nicely, it turns out that they are the ones who people don't seem to like (although in such a small place I'm very careful not to gossip and always change the subject if they come up!)

Sometimes it's not you. Focus on other people to be friendly with.

What you're describing is really normal.

New people meet. Their common ground is their children being at school. They decide to meet up over dinner or a trip out.

Now, at this point, sometimes people click and feel like they've found their long-lost relatives and away they go. Other times people feel awkward and stilted and can't wait to get home, and don't really want to put themselves through that again for no good reason.

Rinse and repeat a few times until you have found your people.

It's perfectly normal.

What would have been a good outcome for you here? Genuinely imagine that after that first invite what could have happened that would be great? E.g. you invited them to join you at a farm park and the distraction of the animals meant you relaxed and found it easier to chat, and you realised activities rather than dinner was the sweet spot for your two families.

Stuck in a cycle of having to attend and then host dinners that you dread every few months sounds like probably the worst outcome, so what has happened certainly seems better than that, if not optimal...

Are you having any treatment for your anxiety? You have many years of parenting ahead of you to get through and if something like this upsets you so much, then I fear you will find it very challenging.

She invited you. Some people are good at doing that for new people. My neighbour for example invites all new people in our block to a coffee or drink with herself and anyone else who is free to come. It's a nice welcome, doesn't mean anyone must become best mates but we share communal areas and management so makes sense to get to know each other a bit.

You had a pleasant evening but did not massively click to become potentially close friends. That's fine.

School parents are like colleagues - you can like and respect them without being close friends with them.
In a new job, you might have lunch with some new colleagues who are getting to know you a bit, for example. Doesn't mean you will repeat this endlessly but builds a bit of a relationship for your ongoing work. School gates are like that - in the event of a pressing question or emergency, you have enough of a relationship with her and her with you to be able to text and ask.

You said you don’t click with these people, they’re probably feeling the same way. It’s fine. People don’t always like each other or want to be close friends. Massively overthinking.

It seems a bit weird to invite another school mum to a formal dinner and it sounds like it was very awkward- which it would be since it's not normal to invite basic strangers to a formal dinner. I would say your assessment is correct that they were assessing you and you have been found wanting and dropped. No need to be embarrassed- they are the rude, snobbish fuckers so just be polite and get on with your life.

Thank you all for the responses.
we don’t get that’s fine and normal. We don’t fall out !

I think my self confidence is so low and my anxiety so high that I feel that it is my fault. If i was relaxed and fun and had a huge house that they would have liked me ! I guess I feel I’m not good enough . I feel like I’ve let my children down and because of me they now can’t have these children as their friends.. That’s my issue though. I need to deal with this. I

I do feel better for sharing.
I can see that it is my personality and my issues which is the main issue here. Thank you .

You just weren't compatible no harm done. Nothing cringe. Just say hello at the gates

Just let it go. Sometimes folk just don't click. Anyway it doesn't sound like you enjoyed it all. Formal dinners are a bit of an effort. Just stick to coffee and a chat.

As you said, sometimes you just don’t click with people, and that’s fine!

You haven’t let anyone down, you are good enough, these people are just not your people. Don’t be embarrassed, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

There’s absolutely no reason your kids still can’t be friends at school. You haven’t ruined any potential relationship.

I’m fairly similar to you. Before socialising, I write out on my phone conversation starters I can use. I think about what can I say. I think about how I’ll answer the standard “so how are you?” questions back. Having a pre thought out script really helps.

But do remember, sometimes we don’t click with people, and that’s nothing on you, it’s just life.

Dont be embarrassed. That's just life. They were kind to invite you as you were new. You invited back. As you say you didn't click. Not the end of the world.
A bright and breezy hello how are you? Is all thats required from then on.

OP you're being so hard on yourself! Please be kind to yourself. If you'd like your children to be friends with theirs then it's not too late to set up a playdate. You're saying hello at the school gates already so just transition it into a bit of friendly casual chat. Then when you're comfortable with that chatting stage suggest a playdate. That will be easier than the adult- adult events you've had before. You've got this OP! If you focus on making them feel less awkward rather than your own awkwardness then it will all flow better. Just be friendly and warm.