They never returned the invite. Now I dread the school gates ! Please help!

[Rubberduckyyy]

We moved to a new area from north down south.Two children one in reception on one in y2.

A school mum invited us over all over for a formal dinner as her children are in the same class as us . It was a lovely gesture and they had made a huge effort .

I want to state I am an anxious person and generally abit socially awkward! I worry a lot .

I found the dinner stressful due to my anxiety . During the dinner the mum asked me what we were doing for Ds’s birthday and I said - something as a family I struggle a lot with a lot of people , I get quite awkward socially !

I actually surprised myself that this came out of my mouth and regretted saying it. Anyway the dinner party was fine.

The following month I invited them to our home as whilst I was so nervous I did not want to appear rude . It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along . Nothing went wrong but we weren’t chatting away as sometimes it happens where you just click!

Anyway - that was last year. Since then we haven’t heard from the couple. I can’t help but feel it was like they interviewed us and realized they didn’t like us . I almost feel like I let them down. I feel like we were not good enough . I feel embarrassed .Like they had high hopes we would be friends and our children would be but it just didn’t work .

I did send a message at Christmas to which she replied but then not again. The thing is I feel so embarrassed every time to go to school drop off and pick up. We kind of mumble an awkward hello. I find myself dreading seeing them.

AIBU? Most probably ! How do I stop
Feeling so embarrassed . I It’s like they decided they didn’t like us ! I can’t get over that. It’s not that I expect people
To like me it’s just I feel
Mortified !

I could have written this! The exact same thing happened to us when my little girl started school. I felt a little out of my comfort zone when a couple we barely knew invited us to their house for dinner, I don’t think I was at my best (MIL had just passed away, I didn’t really know these people and was unsure why they had invited us, I also have anxiety about these things bla bla) Anyway the dinner party was actually quite nice but there was just something that didn’t sit right, I then went for drinks with the mum and ended up realising I just wasn’t a big fan of hers, I found myself a bit uncomfortable and judged around her and that was that. Neither of us made any effort to try and meet up again and tbh I barely speak to her at the school gates now. I’ve gelled well with one or two other mums but it’s easy and not forced. I have no idea what she thinks of me, likely similar as she never attempted to organise anything further either but you know what… you don’t owe these people anything, you’re not always going to gel with everyone and if it’s causing this much worry then it’s probably best to be left!! But I do understand these feelings xx

Exactly what I thought. You should be relieved that you won't have to go through that again, but there's no need to conclude that there's anything negative about their lack of contact. They obviously heard and understood that you're not relaxed socially and don't wish to stress you.

This has happened to me more times that I want to admit. :) invite someone, then they invite us and that's it. Sometimes people just can't be bothered to continue a relationship that they don't enjoy. :) move on and find other buddies.

You found both meetings challenging and awkward, if they were bombarding you with invites would you actually be wanting to go? In the kindest possible way you can't have it all ways. You can't be very socially awkward and still be the most popular person in the room. It is totally fine to be quiet and not a social butterfly and your family will not suffer for it. But it is a waste of your time to be fretting over it all the time.

Your kids CAN be friends - it doesn’t mean you automatically have to be.
Just because you haven’t been back in touch with the parents, doesn’t mean that if your child wants a play date with theirs, you have to say no.

Parents don’t only have to mutual friends in order for their children to get on.
The parents were kind to invite you over for dinner. Doesn’t mean they ever thought you’d be fiends for life. It can be a token dinner and you returned it. Doesn’t have to be awkward- you didn’t click, as you yourself said - sometimes people don’t click.

Stop worrying about it and move on and if you want to make new friends that’s cool, and if you don’t, don’t worry,

Don’t worry about it OP. Maybe the dinner was a welcome to the area thing which was never intended to grow into a full blown friendship. Think of it as a nice thing they did, a rather than a judgement of you. Settling into a new area is hard, it can take time, with many false starts. Just continue being open and chatty when the opportunity arises and friendships will come.

In your OP you say this

The following month I invited them to our home as whilst I was so nervous I did not want to appear rude . It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along . Nothing went wrong but we weren’t chatting away as sometimes it happens where you just click!

then in the next paragraph you say

Anyway - that was last year. Since then we haven’t heard from the couple. I can’t help but feel it was like they interviewed us and realized they didn’t like us . I almost feel like I let them down. I feel like we were not good enough . I feel embarrassed .Like they had high hopes we would be friends and our children would be but it just didn’t work .

If the conversation didn’t flow well why would you expect to socialise with them again?

OP you really should look into professional support to help you deal with social situations.

I really don’t like the unreasonable option, because it’s not unreasonable, it’s overthinking.
Something I do ALL THE TIME!
As you said, while it all went ok, felt a bit forced.

Probably wanted to know if you were swingers @Rubberduckyyy. When they came to yours and didn't see any pampas grass or upside down pineapples they knew they were out of luck.

You got off lightly

Hi all thanks for the replies.

I found the whole dinner party thing stressful and I felt if I had been chilled out and fun and easy going they would and we would have enjoyed it . I felt like I’d let everyone down !

You are all right that i would have dreaded another invite probably as it wasn’t enjoyable for me.
I do feel reassured from so many responses.

I am having counseling and my therapist said he thinks I have RSD. My doctor has also suggested ADHD/ autism . When I was at school this was not picked up . I was always just shy . But I am painfully shy and identify as RSD in my head , I used to drink a lot to function in social situations. I will be honest and say I would have a glass at lunch to get through a social lunch !!! I went sober 4 years ago and I’m so proud . Had I have had a few glasses of wine to get through the party I would have been maybe more relaxed and a little louder but have had crippling anxiety ( more than usual !!!) the next day.

Thank you all for experiences and comments.

Logivslly, we didn’t gel . No harm was caused.
In mu brain I was a let down / awful conversationalist , terrible cook , dull and the whole school was aware I’d been rejected by the wonderful people who I needed to now avoid at all costs due to the utter shame of the terrible incident !

Your issue isnt this couple. These things happen, its really not a big deal or worth wasting another second worrying about. Your issue is your anxiety which has made you get this way out of proportion. Speak to your GP.

OP I really feel for you. That sounds like you were not meant to be friends?

I have just finished a very good book from Mel Robbins called “Let Them” which opened for me a new reality.

The message is that if someone doesn’t want to be your friend/ partner or anything to you really, just let them do that. Don’t spent too much time thinking about them and why.

Just say to yourself “Let them “ … not call me, not like me, not be my friend.

its supposed to be empowering because you are not a victim in the situation. You take the power back. I find it very liberating:)

The book then goes on on how this is meant to free you up for the right people for you as they will come along.

someone that you won’t feel awkward with and that values your company and chats and insights.

Now you are too preoccupied with what everyone always thinks of you, probably feel rejected all the times … and that will make you act as as you lack self confidence. Reclaim that self confidence.

They sound like nice people but not for you.

I recommend you read the whole book though as this is just a tiny snippet. That’s if you are in these kind of books of course.

good luck 🍀 for your your future connections. You sound lovely and very considerate of people feelings and I am sure many people would want to befriend you if you let that shine through. ❤️

Op if you want you could do CBt from a work book it's really helpful in these situations.

The fact is that neither you nor anyone on this thread has the slightest idea what these people think

They may be friendly people who have not given the situation a second thought

You may as well assume the best rather than the worst as you literally have no way of knowing.

I have to say your level of anxiety does make me think you are massively over thinking this

As someone said above. They were being friendly because it's nice to get to know other parents. It doesn't mean anyone has to keep making arrangements

You also haven't followed up and invited them anywhere

This is really about your anxiety not the actual situation

I don’t remember typing this! But honestly your brain seems to work the sane as mine. I overthink every little interaction and find socialising, especially small talk, incredibly draining. But I think you need to let this one go. It’s hard to, trust me I get it. I doubt this mum has given any of your interaction much thought tbh and life is just busy. You could always attempt another invite and if that doesn’t pan out move on. But you don’t need to feel awkward at the school gates. Keep a smile on your face and say hello!

People are allowed to dislike you!

Just learn to live with it.

You don't like everyone you meet either, do you?

Why can't they have these children as their friends? Why is the child's friendship at all dependent on the adult friendship. MN is full of posts about situations where the adult friendship is too entwined with the children's friendship and then it all gets awkward when one or other fall out or drift apart. Just develop your own friendships and let the children develop theirs

Or missed out on a treat!

Never feel that you are not good enough!!! I feel sorry for anyone who allows themselves to care what other judgemental, narcissistic people think . Be yourself and teach your kids to be resilient and confident.

You seem a lovely person OP. You suffer from social anxiety, a very common infliction! 😂 Much more common than you probably think. At least 75% off women I know suffer with it I think!

Even though you struggle with it naturally, you need to practice putting yourself at the centre of your own world.

You deserve friends who make you feel comfortable. You deserve to spend your afternoons/evenings doing things you enjoy.

So instead of asking yourself the question did they enjoy it, did they like us, do they want to do it again, what did we do wrong, ask yourself did you enjoy it, would you genuinely want to spend your precious free time doing it again. It's your decision. If the answer is yes invite them again. Or out for a coffee/something easier. If no, take power from having made that decision for yourself.

If its that you would like new friends but not three try again with someone else. Or join a committee or ask around if there is a WhatsApp group etc and slowly build up connections that way. Exercise and build up your social skills. Practice does improve nearly everything.

You matter too. You don't have to be perfect to deserve friendship or happiness, because there isn't a perfect one among us! So keep your head high too at those school gates. Big smile ☺️ and "hi, lovely to see you!". Fake it till you make it.

“It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along”

Why is it okay for you to feel this, and not then?

You didn’t feel at ease socialising with them. Now you don’t need to one on one. It’s literally fine. I understand you feel awkward but you’re making it worse by stressing.

You said it yourself. “That’s fine and life”. They didn’t interview you any more than you did them?