They never returned the invite. Now I dread the school gates ! Please help!

[Rubberduckyyy]

We moved to a new area from north down south.Two children one in reception on one in y2.

A school mum invited us over all over for a formal dinner as her children are in the same class as us . It was a lovely gesture and they had made a huge effort .

I want to state I am an anxious person and generally abit socially awkward! I worry a lot .

I found the dinner stressful due to my anxiety . During the dinner the mum asked me what we were doing for Ds’s birthday and I said - something as a family I struggle a lot with a lot of people , I get quite awkward socially !

I actually surprised myself that this came out of my mouth and regretted saying it. Anyway the dinner party was fine.

The following month I invited them to our home as whilst I was so nervous I did not want to appear rude . It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along . Nothing went wrong but we weren’t chatting away as sometimes it happens where you just click!

Anyway - that was last year. Since then we haven’t heard from the couple. I can’t help but feel it was like they interviewed us and realized they didn’t like us . I almost feel like I let them down. I feel like we were not good enough . I feel embarrassed .Like they had high hopes we would be friends and our children would be but it just didn’t work .

I did send a message at Christmas to which she replied but then not again. The thing is I feel so embarrassed every time to go to school drop off and pick up. We kind of mumble an awkward hello. I find myself dreading seeing them.

AIBU? Most probably ! How do I stop
Feeling so embarrassed . I It’s like they decided they didn’t like us ! I can’t get over that. It’s not that I expect people
To like me it’s just I feel
Mortified !

What is a formal dinner amongst mums at the school gate anyway? Do you have to wear an evening dress, the men a bow tie?

I would have felt uncomfortable in that situation too, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape!

Please don't beat yourself up about being "not good enough". That's not the case here. The other mum sounds like a very outgoing type to have arranged a formal dinner for your family. You're just different personality types and there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm quite introverted so can sympathise with your situation.

If your anxiety gets too bad then maybe talk to your GP about some therapies to help deal with it. If you're creating a 'small world' of only interacting with family due to your fear of socialising, then it could create anxiety in your DC too.

Why do you even care?

You are TOTALLY over thinking this. It’s absolutely fine - better than fine. You made an effort, probably both realised it wasn’t a natural fit and then backed off - you can be school gate acquaintance and have the off chat about the nativity with zero pressure to be more.

I suspect this will make me seem utterly hateful to half of MN - but I had every parent in each DCs class to supper in their reception year (over a series of dinner parties - not one-on-one!) - some of those parents are now my closest friends, others I’d just wave a cheerful hello to without stopping if I passed them in the street. Nothing ventured, nothing gained - but also absolutely nothing gained from chasing a friendship that doesn’t ‘click’.

it is 100% ok to not like everyone - as long as we’re polite and fair. Its important to get comfortable with listening to your gut instinct about people - and not expending huge energy chasing connection that isn’t there for the sake of keeping up appearances.

smile, wave, make innocuous chat about half term m, DO NOT, UBDER ABY CIRCUMSTANCES, PANIC AND SUGGEST SOCIAL PLANS.

Op please do get some help for your anxiety.

Kids will play with who kids wanna play with. We don't really do our of school play dates, let alone formal dinners to meet new parents. My kids still have friends. And slowly I found my school Mom friends by not worrying about the cliques and the judgements. I promise you're not ruining anyone's life by not being friends with this couple

It’s fine. There’s a couple at the school who are perfectly pleasant but not your soulmates. You won’t have to go to any more alarming formal dinners. All good. But they were nice to invite you that time so you can always smile and say hello.

Be friendly, say hi and smile when you see them. Make a little comment about the weather or how much stuff you have to carry for the kids. The awkwardness will pass.

You don't have to be best friends and you don't have to be awkward or embarrassed that this mum has decided that actually you don't gel that well together. There are shades of social acquaintance. Some people are friends, some people get along well when thrown together and some people are just well-meaning acquaintances who wish each other well. I try to aim for the latter in respect of the other school parents at my DC's school (although some have become friends) because ultimately we are all supporting our children and having good relations, even if we don't want or are too busy for actual friendship, helps us to do that. And it doesn't matter if people are offhand every now and again or if I'm occasionally a bit brusque or distracted now and again, because that's life - people have a life and work outside the school gates and sometimes things are stressful and we can't always be on our best form. Most people get this.

Op did message them first to be fair.

I’m not saying it should be tit for tat, just that blaming OP doesn’t help either.

As pp said, they just didn’t click, and that’s fine, you can’t be friends with everyone.

Please don’t overthink what you are feeling is fine. A dinner part was a huge expectation on all of you.

I moved a few years ago and had to find new friends. I know lots of people (acquaintances) now, through clubs, work, volunteering (Beavers coffee mornings!) and a couple of closer friends.

My friends and acquaintances were made slowly and informally, no big invites or expectations.
Some of my closer friends I met only because we walked the same way home from school and our DC’s chatted along the way. Weeks and weeks of pleasantries and light chat, until a play date followed.

Giving some perspective, I’ve never hosted a dinner party in my life!

I would be glad if I were you that there weren’t these back and forth invites, especially seeing as you seem to have social anxiety, just try and be friendly when you meet, invite the kids for a play date and maybe the mother in for coffee when you do, I’m better with 1 to 1s than large groups so maybe you would feel more comfortable in that type of situation aswell

Please speak to your GP about your anxiety, which is clearly taking over. Whatever treatment/support you are having, if any at all, isn't working! Are you peri?

If it was your child in this situation (when they are an adult) what would u say to them? Would u reassure them? & tell them its just one of those things & its not a big deal? Would u tell them they are letting their insecurities get the better of them & the other person probably has other things in their life & probably hasn't ever given it a second thought? That not everyone is for u & you are not for everyone? Have a think, then extended that kindness to yourself. Have u ever had any councilling? Might be worth a try to see if u can develop some healthier coping mechanisms. Maybe a hobby, something u can loose yourself in. I really like The Holistic Psychologist (on social media, Dr. Nicole LePara) reading her posts & books literally changed my life. Good luck x

I'm going to say something that will liberate you now. You are not the centre of everyone's universe. I say this in the kindest possible way. It seems to me that people with anxiety seem to think that other people are thinking about them all of the time. They are not. People are too busy thinking about themselves. This woman probably doesn't give you a second thought. 'The conversation didn't flow, we didn't click, oh well.'

People in the street aren't thinking about you, mild acquaintances are not thinking bad things about you, if you say something at a dinner party, most people will be thinking about what they were about to say and probably didn't notice at all how 'awkward' you feel. Nobody gives two shits.

i agree.

Don’t beat yourself up. School Mums and playground etiquette is another level of rules. I consider myself chatty and socialable but sometimes Mums that I’ve spoken to at length at parties and got on well with then blank me in the playground for the next few years. It’s bizarre. There’s a hierarchy and people place you in slots. If Susie the parent governor is in the playground, you get blanked. If the chavvy Mum is there with her vape, I will get spoken to. Because I’m better than the chav Mum but not quite reached the upper echelons of status that governors have. I try and smile and say Hi to everyone, but equally after getting blanked, I often think ‘oh fuck off’ and pretend I haven’t seen them. It’s a total mind fuck.

I get it OP, I have terrible social anxiety and feel like such a failure in situations like these (of which I have had many!) I just think ‘If only I were different, if only I were better, funnier, cooler, more relaxed….’ and on and on. It feels like a wasted opportunity, a wasted chance. But, it’s life, you have to let it go and move on.

Yh. Who's too say she isn't the same/similar & maybe wanted to get ahead of the curve & make a new friend as soon as you arrived ?

The fact that you didn't hit it off just enables you both too move on without any awkwardness or expectation

Just stay polite & avoid each other form now on

But you didn't like them? You didn't click with them and didn't enjoy their company.....but you're upset they felt exactly the same as you?

Kindly, anxiety can make you very narcissistic.

Maybe you're right and they didn't like you. So what? Surely you don't like everyone you meet?

Go back to your go and ask for more help with your anxiety there is no reason to live with this level of misery. There are treatments and drugs

This really is your 'social angst' showing, @Rubberduckyyy

People who get on naturally don't care about things like having a large house in a good area or other possessions- they like you for being you!

That is really shallow if they do judge you by those parameters- and people who do are definitely not 'friend' material.

It can be hard to make genuine friends- quality over quantity is what counts, it's a 'chemistry'- and friends can actually be very different in character.

A true friend won't judge you, and you can talk about anything with them, and have easy silences.

Often one doesn't ''gel'' with children's friend's parents, and nothing wrong with that- you can still have their kids round for playing and tea and stuff like that.

Stiff dinner parties though...I'd rather boil my head than go to one or host one. 😂

Yes to this! defo

Hi OP you really haven’t let yourself down. No reason why your children can’t be friends with theirs.

sometimes you click with people, sometimes you don’t. We have very close friends from baby groups who we’ve clicked with straight away and we are still friends with now the children are teens.
equally we once invited a couple over who had moved in down our road and the DC were at school together. We didn’t make it formal, we invited them with their DC for a relaxed early supper. They never invited us back, no big deal, we weren’t that keen on them as it turns out and they maybe felt the same.

If you want to make friends, keep it low key. Invite kids round for play dates after school and ask the mum / dad / both to stay for coffee or simple supper when they pick up.
or invite the family round for a casual play date at tea time on a Saturday. Kids play, you serve tea and cake, everyone’s relaxed, no pressure, maybe you become friends, maybe you don’t.

this is how I have navigated 10+ years of school including private school parents and we have lots of friends (and many faded acquaintances).

edited to add: if you find 1 to 1 too much pressure, invite a few kids and their mums round. Kids play, mums have coffee. Simple.

I think she listened to you, realised it's not personal, you just don't find socialising easy and is letting you be. She still says hello and replied to your message but isn't making any overtures as you said you don't enjoy the pressure of socialising. Nothing bad has happened you just haven't clicked as close friends. You can be acquaintances or community members and be fine with each other. Nothing wrong in that. Relax and say a genuine hello next time knowing you're on the same page. Would you honestly prefer if she kept up the invitations? You returned the last one so have done your bit. All fine.