They never returned the invite. Now I dread the school gates ! Please help!

[Rubberduckyyy]

We moved to a new area from north down south.Two children one in reception on one in y2.

A school mum invited us over all over for a formal dinner as her children are in the same class as us . It was a lovely gesture and they had made a huge effort .

I want to state I am an anxious person and generally abit socially awkward! I worry a lot .

I found the dinner stressful due to my anxiety . During the dinner the mum asked me what we were doing for Ds’s birthday and I said - something as a family I struggle a lot with a lot of people , I get quite awkward socially !

I actually surprised myself that this came out of my mouth and regretted saying it. Anyway the dinner party was fine.

The following month I invited them to our home as whilst I was so nervous I did not want to appear rude . It was fine but again I didn’t find it easy and felt that the conversation didn’t flow easily for me . That’s fine and life ! Not everyone gets along . Nothing went wrong but we weren’t chatting away as sometimes it happens where you just click!

Anyway - that was last year. Since then we haven’t heard from the couple. I can’t help but feel it was like they interviewed us and realized they didn’t like us . I almost feel like I let them down. I feel like we were not good enough . I feel embarrassed .Like they had high hopes we would be friends and our children would be but it just didn’t work .

I did send a message at Christmas to which she replied but then not again. The thing is I feel so embarrassed every time to go to school drop off and pick up. We kind of mumble an awkward hello. I find myself dreading seeing them.

AIBU? Most probably ! How do I stop
Feeling so embarrassed . I It’s like they decided they didn’t like us ! I can’t get over that. It’s not that I expect people
To like me it’s just I feel
Mortified !

PS. I think it’s a bit strange to host a formal dinner for school parents you’ve just met. My DC went to private prep schools and I never came across this, but maybe we’re not posh enough!

I think the plan could have been to have that first dinner to establish the relationship. You reciprocated with your invite. All good.
Now its not a case of carrying on with invites back and forth but more that you know each other now and can chat gates etc as friends.
I've invited neighbors in for a cuppa at the beginning to sort of get the ball rolling but never considered it the start of something that would continue frequently/ regularly just more as kicking things off.
I would assume they would know this and not feel no further invites were a snub in any way. Don't overthink it. X

Just because you didn’t form an easy friendship doesn’t mean they didn’t like you. You both recognise that you won’t be close friends. Presumably you don’t dislike them? So no need to think they dislike you. You just weren’t meant to be friends is all.

YANBU as you can't help being shy. We had a couple round whose dd was friends with my son and it went okay but God could she talk. We then went for lunch at theirs. Again, I didn't say much, no chance too, and it was painful as my then H is shy. Never heard from them since and tbh I am fine with that.

Try faking confidence until you make it but relax. You're all just there because you had kids in the same school year. It's not a given you'll get on with everyone.

I am living in the south and moving back north in a few weeks and cant wait. It's just a different vibe there for friendships ime.

Maybe you didn’t click or maybe they just got busy. I have often invited people round when I had a quieter time at work and then things get busy and I don’t invite them back. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything and even if it does, it just means you probably aren’t going to be best buddies rather than there being a feud or issue. Just be friendly and open when you see her and don’t overthink it.

I suffer with social anxiety too and always kept myself to myself in the playground as I didn't want to make small talk etc. What you could do is drop the parent a message and ask if their child wanted to go to the park or something with your child, offer to pick them up from school and drop them home after. That way your child isn't missing out on friendships and you don't have to worry about awkward interactions. This worked really well for me, my daughter is in her 20's and still good friends with children from primary school and I still say hello to their parents if I see them but not have to worry about any awkwardness.

Look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Could you be neurodivergent (ADHD?) and unaware of this? I get the same way and suspect I am ND in some way. It is very difficult when people don't understand why things hurt us so much. Of course my rational brain knows I'm being silly but my heart is often broken, and the heart doesn't often listen to the brain!

Maybe it's because you said that you struggle around people and feel socially anxious that you didn't enjoy their dinner party or company so they are leaving you alone? It might not be because they don't like you.

I honestly have never heard such pretentiousness....a formal dinner🙄.

OP, you need help with your anxiety and I hope you are getting it?, but I think you have dodged a huge bullet here.

You have a long road ahead of you with primary school, softly softly is the way to go.
Children change their friend groups easily when young.
The truth is that many only take a couple with them on to secondary.
Good luck.

Jeeez. A formal dinner is a bit intense. Is that the norm these days? I'm so glad it was just meeting up for a coffee back in my day.

Look, you are really overthinking this. You weren't being interviewed, judged, then rejected. After you hosted dinner, did you make any effort to meet up with her/them again? Or did you just sit back and wait for her to make a move. Two formal dinners is not enough time to get to know someone, especially when you are shy/awkward. But I'll bet she is not spending her morning dreading the school gate thinking, "OMG I hope I don't see Rubberduckyyy."

I understand the social awkwardness thing, but you have to get yourself out there for your children's sake. I would suggest this year that you have a birthday party for your son and invite some of his classmates. Make sure to have plenty of party bags...(IYKYK).

We're definitely not posh enough (on benefits) but when parents at dd3's private school find out her 2 sisters went to Cambridge they're all over her! I'm so glad she's my last at school (year 12) as after almost 30 years of it I've so over it.

You definitely don’t have anything to be embarrassed about - you behaved well and didn’t do anything inappropriate.

It does sound like you haven’t all clicked as friends and truly there is nothing wrong with that - not everyone will. You were all polite and pleasant and that’s all there is to it.

Please try not to feel bad about this - it’s just one of those facts of life that not every friendship develops, and it’s nobody’s fault and nothing to feel awkward about.

I think I have that! I was discussing some dates with dd1 for me to visit and she said she'd speak to her dh. That was on Wednesday and having heard nothing I had convinced myself I wasn't welcome and was actually crying about it - in private. Then today we spoke, she didn't mention it so I didn't and afterwards she WhatsApped me to say she'd forgotten to get back to me but the dates were fine. I am potentially ND and an abusive exdh as given me very low self esteem.

That sounds very full on with people you hardly knew. You didn't click, not an issue, nothing to feel awkward about

I think CBT might help your very negative outlook! You had a dinner invite. You reciprocated. They were welcoming you to the village. They’re probably very busy and social. Maybe you didn’t particularly click or maybe it was just a getting to know you thing rather than an ongoing friendship thing. Be friendly when you see them and don’t take it to heart.

No reason your kids can't be friends with theirs I wasn't friends with any of my kids friends parents.

Look there's 4 of you in the dynamic, for all 4 of you to gel adequately it's not always easy. It could be that she likes you but her partner didn't think you could be BFs. Honestly, nothing to feel embarrassed about! You're fine as you are and it's just part of life that you won't click with everyone. None of us do.

Just be polite and your normal friendly self when you see her at the school gates. Anxiety can be so debilitating though so if possible get some help with that and try strategies to make any future occasions a bit easier.

Dinner parties are so 1970’s weird.

Formal as-well, so bourgeoisie.

They probably liked the look of you and thought they could enroll you in their swinging group 😂.

Stop giving them a second thought they’ll be waiting for their next prey to come along.

Some years ago (but still an adult) a friend did something for me that has really altered my perspective. We were in a big friendship group and there was one woman who kind of phased me out. I suspected this, and then she had a birthday gathering and didn’t invite me.

I was distraught and sobbing (yes I know, unreasonable behaviour for an adult) to my other friend who was also in the group but had also drifted away from this person.

”She doesn’t like me! She doesn’t like me!” I cried.

My friend got right close to my face, looked me in the eye and said very neutrally and firmly, with a shrug, “Maybe she doesn’t.”

And it really clicked. Not everyone has to like you. So what?

Children all privately educated here too and while there have been drinks/dinners in restaurants etc.....no formal dinners.
The parents of all 4 childrens classes would be very 🙄at this.
Try hards...cringey IMO!

Life is very short. Look for the people you "click" with. While you are worrying about not fitting in with the people you don't fit in with, you are missing opportunities to make friends with people who are like you and with whom you will feel comfortable.

Stop doing this to yourself. If you have more than 1 child at school that's a lot of families to get to know. My kids changed school a couple of times and by Year 9 I found it impossible to remember any of the parents names let alone socialise with them. I just got to know the ones my kids were friends with but lost touch since.
It sounds like you would benefit from speaking with a counsellor to help your anxiety, it costs about £50/hr, depends where you live, worth every penny and most will do a free chat or session.

You don't enjoy socialising, they have picked up on that vibe. It's that simple

I don't think it's anything to do with not liking you.

I also have social anxiety. For the future, maybe don’t announce you hate social occasions AT somebosy’s social occasion as I think maybe that might come across as quite rude.

I agree with others - they and or their mode of socialising didn't suit you, and that's OK.

I will do playdates in the park (not in January!) but not dinner parties.
I will do 1:1 coffees or walks but not larger group outings.
I choose Friend A but not Friend B to have over to my home, but have no issue including Friend C's child if that's who my child is close to at the moment.
If something/someone doesn't seem like someone I want to spend time with - for whatever reason - I decline. It's OK. You should be with people who you look forward to spending time with.