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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she’s not a princess?

80 replies

Ladyinwaitingroom · 14/01/2025 22:42

I have a friend who I have known for many years. During that time she has been in one long term relationship that sadly ended in heartbreak from which she is carrying some emotional trauma, and since then a number of short term flings with, frankly the wrong kind of man. If I’m honest she has form for choosing the bad boys who break her heart and sadly it’s a very obvious pattern from the outset to everyone but her. I have tried to gently help her to realise this each time but she refuses to take any advice.

She is now closing in on 40 and the latest fling has ended (predictably) in disaster. She has been emotionally put through the wringer once again and she is in pain. This was another obvious one though. She liked him because he treated her ‘like a princess’. She said her heart melted when he insisted on putting her socks on for her in the morning?!?!? She likes to be pampered and showered with gifts, be waited on hand and foot, not have to lift a finger. Her words. But when the inevitable happens and he cheats or lies, she is heartbroken.

My belief is that if you seek to be put on a pedestal, this isn’t going to be a mature, equal relationship is it? It’s almost ironic that she is initially made to feel like they are somehow subservient to her because it’s really they who hold all the power in the relationship. She is seeking a fantasy life that doesn’t exist.

I am happily married and I would describe the power share in my relationship as 50/50. I would not want to be treated like a princess, and in fact the idea makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable. I very much love my husband and I feel loved by him but I believe the ‘princess’ concept is a fallacy perpetuated by Disney movies in the 90s and at some point we all have to grow up and recognise that a healthy relationship is not a fairytale.

AIBU to think she is living in cloud cuckoo land and in the kindest possible way, she really needs to grow up?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/01/2025 22:49

I think the idea itself isn't objectionable, I would think a man treating you like you're precious would be lovely 🤭

But she's taking it too far - for someone to treat you like a 'princess' you'd need to treat them back the same way - and that means lifting a finger

The way shes described things makes me feel like she likes drug dealers

I wonder if she has some issues from childhood? She does need to sort them and act more like a grown up when it comes to discernment at least

Original poster
Ladyinwaitingroom · 14/01/2025 22:55

@mumofoneAlonebutokay interesting you say drug dealer… I suspect this latest one wasn’t exactly kosher…

OP posts:
Saschka · 14/01/2025 22:55

She said her heart melted when he insisted on putting her socks on for her in the morning

I’m sorry OP but this made me laugh - I can’t imagine any grown woman allowing a boyfriend to help her put her socks and shoes on like a toddler. Does he also cut her food up for her, and tell her to hold his hand tightly when they cross the road?

This isn’t treating her like a princess, it’s infantilising her. Therapy may help her understand why she looks for that in a relationship.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/01/2025 22:58

Ladyinwaitingroom · 14/01/2025 22:55

@mumofoneAlonebutokay interesting you say drug dealer… I suspect this latest one wasn’t exactly kosher…

When I hear 'treats me like a princess', it reminds me of some of the girls on love island who definitely date drug dealers 😬

PizzaPunk · 14/01/2025 23:02

YANBU obviously.

But you're flogging a dead horse.

The woman's nearly 40 with quite a few disastrous relationships under her belt.

She likes what she likes and if that ever changes, she'll have to be the one to do it.

NeddieSeagoonsSteamPoweredTelephone · 14/01/2025 23:03

I think I’d ask her why she is attracted to men who treat her like an actual child within a sexual relationship, and see if that hits home at all.

Rachmorr57 · 14/01/2025 23:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

unsync · 14/01/2025 23:04

It sounds like she would benefit from being single, having therapy and learning about healthy, adult relationships.

mumsthewurd · 14/01/2025 23:08

unsync · 14/01/2025 23:04

It sounds like she would benefit from being single, having therapy and learning about healthy, adult relationships.

This.
Shes delulu & is only going to make herself very very vulnerable if she keeps pursuing Disney romances rather than adult relationships.

corvidconvo · 14/01/2025 23:08

I think most of the time people know the truth, deep down, but they refuse to acknowledge it. Maybe they can't help it, maybe it's too difficult to change, or maybe they simply like things that are bad for them. It's not uncommon.

I don't think I would try to teach her the error of her ways. At her age, she probably knows it already but is too set in her ways to change. Unless she asked me specifically for my opinion of her choice of partners and how she can finally achieve a healthy relationship, I don't think I'd offer one.

shellyleppard · 14/01/2025 23:09

The only time my partner helped me put my socks on was when I had a broken leg and couldn't bend very well 🤣🤣 your friend is living in cloud cuckoo land

Maddy70 · 14/01/2025 23:09

If that's what she's after then what does it matter to you ? There are men out there that treat their women folk well like that.

Original poster
Ladyinwaitingroom · 14/01/2025 23:12

She is in therapy, from what I understand, though she hasn’t fully shared what they have identified as the fundamental issue.

I’m far from an armchair psychologist- what kind of childhood trauma even encourages this kind of behaviour? Neglect? Lack of attention? I don’t think there was physical abuse and she seems to be close to her parents.

OP posts:
NeddieSeagoonsSteamPoweredTelephone · 14/01/2025 23:14

Maddy70 · 14/01/2025 23:09

If that's what she's after then what does it matter to you ? There are men out there that treat their women folk well like that.

Not sure where to start with this. I have been happily with my DH for 25 years. He has had to put my socks on for me, and done it willingly, when I’ve had abdominal surgery and been unable to do it myself. He has always treated me, ‘his woman folk’ (I would come back to this but as yet have no way to time travel to the 1950s) very well. What that looks like in an healthy relationship is as an equal partner. Not a pwincess who needs to be treated as a child.

BlueGrey2025 · 14/01/2025 23:17

Ladyinwaitingroom · 14/01/2025 23:12

She is in therapy, from what I understand, though she hasn’t fully shared what they have identified as the fundamental issue.

I’m far from an armchair psychologist- what kind of childhood trauma even encourages this kind of behaviour? Neglect? Lack of attention? I don’t think there was physical abuse and she seems to be close to her parents.

Does she work, surely if she does she knows the reality of the world and is not treated like a princess there?
If she likes bad boys and has a history of dating those kinds of men, it’s very unlikely ( in my opinion) that she is going to change type at the age she is now as the non bad boy types would probably seem to boring in her mind

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 15/01/2025 00:06

Unless she has some sort of disability which means she can't put her own socks on, this is a bit bleurgh. This would be massively off putting to most people.

I would want my partner to cook for me, make me cups of tea, give me lifts, buy me treats, say and do nice things, prioritise my feelings, but I would expect to do those things for a partner too. I absolutely hate feet, so would not be prepared to put someone else's socks on if they were capable of doing it themselves, so I wouldn't expect it to be done for me either.

username299 · 15/01/2025 00:16

A lot of women want to be a princess though don't they? Sometimes spending tens of thousands on a wedding and a big dress, desperate for the Disney ending.

Garlicnorth · 15/01/2025 00:31

I dunno, she might get lucky. There seem to be quite a lot of men who like to be dominated and/or instructed to buy gifts. It's all a foreign land to me - but maybe she needs to be more demanding to find one of these nutters gentlemen?

Saschka · 15/01/2025 00:41

username299 · 15/01/2025 00:16

A lot of women want to be a princess though don't they? Sometimes spending tens of thousands on a wedding and a big dress, desperate for the Disney ending.

There is a massive, massive difference between wanting to dress up in an amazing outfit for one day and have a massive party, and wanting your supposed life partner to assist you with washing and dressing.

username299 · 15/01/2025 00:53

Saschka · 15/01/2025 00:41

There is a massive, massive difference between wanting to dress up in an amazing outfit for one day and have a massive party, and wanting your supposed life partner to assist you with washing and dressing.

Show quote history

I'm just talking about the idea of being a princess. "Daddy's little princess." Fairytales, soulmates and happily ever after.

I believe he was putting on her socks, not washing her.

oakleaffy · 15/01/2025 01:18

Jeez, @Ladyinwaitingroom ..If a partner tried to put my socks on, I'd feel about Ninety five.

That's not very sexy, is it..?
^^
''Give me your foot, dear..Goodness me, when did you last cut your toenails?
^^
There we go, now where are your shoes? there you are, wiggle your feet into these shoes, do you want me to tie your laces for you?''

suburberphobe · 15/01/2025 01:26

Weird OP.

You may end up in divorce too OP. Try not to judge others. We are all just on a journey through life.

Personally, best thing for me is being independent and solo, travelling, son grown up - his dad left me with a 6-month-old baby, adult now. He's turned out just fine.

I love my single life! oh and I have had lots of exciting adventures and relationships too

Paisleyandpolkadots · 15/01/2025 01:48

Well, thirty years later, my husband always brings me breakfast in bed. The only time he has put my socks on though was when I put my back out.

MerryMaker · 15/01/2025 02:05

No don't tell her.
Recommend a book to her that might help. Is The Women Who Love Too Much relevant to her? You know the kind of self help book in a pastel cover, but with decent advice inside.

kkloo · 15/01/2025 02:10

My belief is that if you seek to be put on a pedestal, this isn’t going to be a mature, equal relationship is it? It’s almost ironic that she is initially made to feel like they are somehow subservient to her because it’s really they who hold all the power in the relationship. She is seeking a fantasy life that doesn’t exist

It actually does exist. But she's not likely to get it with a bad boy.

I am happily married and I would describe the power share in my relationship as 50/50. I would not want to be treated like a princess, and in fact the idea makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable. I very much love my husband and I feel loved by him but I believe the ‘princess’ concept is a fallacy perpetuated by Disney movies in the 90s and at some point we all have to grow up and recognise that a healthy relationship is not a fairytale.

That's you though. Other people want different dynamics in their relationships.

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