To tell her she’s not a princess?

[Ladyinwaitingroom]

I have a friend who I have known for many years. During that time she has been in one long term relationship that sadly ended in heartbreak from which she is carrying some emotional trauma, and since then a number of short term flings with, frankly the wrong kind of man. If I’m honest she has form for choosing the bad boys who break her heart and sadly it’s a very obvious pattern from the outset to everyone but her. I have tried to gently help her to realise this each time but she refuses to take any advice.

She is now closing in on 40 and the latest fling has ended (predictably) in disaster. She has been emotionally put through the wringer once again and she is in pain. This was another obvious one though. She liked him because he treated her ‘like a princess’. She said her heart melted when he insisted on putting her socks on for her in the morning?!?!? She likes to be pampered and showered with gifts, be waited on hand and foot, not have to lift a finger. Her words. But when the inevitable happens and he cheats or lies, she is heartbroken.

My belief is that if you seek to be put on a pedestal, this isn’t going to be a mature, equal relationship is it? It’s almost ironic that she is initially made to feel like they are somehow subservient to her because it’s really they who hold all the power in the relationship. She is seeking a fantasy life that doesn’t exist.

I am happily married and I would describe the power share in my relationship as 50/50. I would not want to be treated like a princess, and in fact the idea makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable. I very much love my husband and I feel loved by him but I believe the ‘princess’ concept is a fallacy perpetuated by Disney movies in the 90s and at some point we all have to grow up and recognise that a healthy relationship is not a fairytale.

AIBU to think she is living in cloud cuckoo land and in the kindest possible way, she really needs to grow up?

Gawd, I think I know her … I think she (or another one w same fetish) asked my friend to feed her dinner while she was in the bath.

He did feed her, literally fork fed into her mouth, while she was in a bubble bath …
She did want him to worship her and demonstrate by being her lapdog.

He broke up with her soon after.

My DH “looks after” me, to the extent he told a friend off for swearing on speakerphone in the car the other day in front of me. I work in the type of job where I am exposed to bad language and physical violence most days so friend was a bit ?!. But my personality can be quite gentle and I don’t swear much and my DH is naturally very gentlemanly. I like it. But obviously as an otherwise capable woman in a functional relationship.

True, but love bombing is different on every level from a respectful, loving, romantic guy. Romance has to go both ways though.

Also, people do actually fall out of love sometimes. My long ago ex fiancé did that. I was devastated at the time but better that he realised before the wedding than after.

What like Sharon and Dirty Den - weird

My DH does these those thing... I'm not remotely a 'princess' but I am bloody disabled but thanks for making out like I'm an infant who needs therapy to 'understand' being an adult not just a grown woman with medical problems.

I think you are missing the point. Noone has compared the situation described in the OP with people who actually need help with aspects of care/daily living. I do much, much more than this for my DH every day but that is because I have to.

It is infantilising to put on the socks (etc) of a grown adult well able to do it themselves.

I feel sorry for your friend. She has unrealistic expectations on what it means to be in an adult relationship. I like to think I'm a princess too, because my DH loves and respects me. But I'm not expecting for him to put my socks on my feet.

In some ways yes, but there are lots of women being treated like princesses where the man doesn't cheat.

So she could find the right guy who treats her how she likes, but she's picking the wrong guys.

She needs to pick better.

There are a lot of cocklodgers living with some of the women who've posted on here.

They're treated like a king whilst not bringing anything to the table and the woemn don't cheat on them.

YANBU. A man treating me like a princess would give me the massive ick tbh. I'd actually consider it a red flag.

I witnessed a grown ass woman stand there while her partner fastened her boot laces for her today.

They both looked in their 20s and were out walking in the Lake District. She had a full face of makeup complete with duck pout lips and false lashes and her hair done all fancy (it was drizzly and miserable) so definitely of the princess variety.

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective, OP, at nearly 40, realistically she IS fishing in a different pond from the one you & I operated in...

Most of the half decent ones have been hooked & whats left are the wronguns, the cheaters, the workaholics and the distinctly less than average looking. (Harsh, but largely fair, I think?)

There will be a smattering of decent human beings, some divorcees who ended up with a poor pick themselves the first time but who aren't fundamentally f*ed up themselves, and a small selection 'out of age group' if you like.

None of this will make it easier to find someone functional & trustworthy. But when she decides to drop good looking & pandering down her wish list in preference to decent & faithful, then there is hope yet.

She might not want to get this message from you though!

She could have had an invisible disability or health condition though. I look well, wear make up and take care of myself but during flare ups my DH has put my shoes on for me - anyone seeing this could well think I was being a ‘Princess’ but that’s not the case.

@Plastictrees she was halfway up a fell... if she got there on her own 2 feet I doubt there was a reason she couldn't bend over to tie her laces......

I half get where she's coming from in dating unsuitable men although definitely don't understand the treating like a princess bit as that made me throw up in my mouth a little 😂

For a good 5 years after I divorced my ex-husband I went for the type that I knew would break my heart until I met my now DH and everything changed. I did a lot of self-analysis about why I went for unsuitable men and I believe it's because I wasn't truly over my ex-husband and was sub-consciously going for me who I wouldn't be able to form a long-term relationship with because I wasn't ready. I also had a big self-esteem and confidence issue so knowing a relationship wouldn't work protected me from further heart ache.

If, as you say, she's suffering from emotional trauma she could be trying to protect herself by doing something similar?

I would think it was the putting her socks on which was probably the beginning of the end

At 40 she is getting too old to play the part of the incapable princess.

She just comes across as incapable. Carry on like this and she will end up looking like she needs 24 hour care in an institution

Well, as she has issues that she is in therapy for and won't take advice, I would just leave it. When she comes crying, just shut her down.

I'm in my early 40's. I look perfectly healthy. I could hike up a fell on a good day.
I've had several major operations due to incurable cancer in my bones and struggle to reach my own feet. My DH often has to tie my laces for me.

I spent £30k on my wedding and I neither have, nor had, any desire to be a princess, or to be treated like one.

A fairly new partner ran a bath for me once. Made such a big deal out of it as if it was a treat. Gave me the biggest ick. He wanted marriage, I couldn't think of anything I wanted less.
Not into romance or gratuitous gestures that you're supposed to be incredibly impressed by, just nice decent behaviour. Your friend has issues...she will only attract creepy guys

Just wondering because u say that she asks for advice but doesn’t listen, does she want to talk to you in:
”female” mode - where she just wants u to nod along or
“male” mode - where she wants u to problem solve
If she’s taking the same path, making the same mistakes, with the same results, it maybe time to switch to “female” mode & just grey rock her.

You don’t know that, is the point.

If she’s after someone to put her socks on for her she needs a carer, not a boyfriend.

Maybe suggest that?

I had a boyfriend years ago who used to call me "princess". I used to love it at the time. He turned out to be an abusive, nasty piece of work. The "princess" name eventually stopped and became replaced with such delights as "whore", "fat" and "shapeless". The irony was that I weighed less than eight stone at the time. Every time I hear any man call a woman a princess it now makes my stomach churn. Could be me but I just find it empty and the sort of thing a Dad says to his daughter. Perhaps explains the putting on of socks. I hope your friend can find the help she needs to stop opting for these bad boys! Must be hard to watch her keep having her heart broken.

Now that is true love. 👍

You're right, of course, a relationship with those dynamics to the extreme is unlikely to be healthy. Equally I do love that my husband will do sometimes really horrid jobs for me (e.g. it's raining and dark and I realise I left my phone in the car - he'll every time go get it for me). So there is a middle ground, I think wanting someone to care for you is a good thing and shows you value yourself, but it probably needs to go both ways.
However, there's nothing you can do about this unfortunately. She clearly has some ingrained issues that just "telling her" won't help. I'd suggest, as gently and supportively as you can, that she get counselling so she can avoid getting hurt, make herself more resilient and look for healthier relationships - you can day this with zero criticism, zero judgement of her previous life choices. Perhaps say you've found therapy helpful if you've ever had it. Either way, she needs a professional, your job as a friend is to be there for her, give her a hug, be kind and that's it.