To tell her she’s not a princess?

[Ladyinwaitingroom]

I have a friend who I have known for many years. During that time she has been in one long term relationship that sadly ended in heartbreak from which she is carrying some emotional trauma, and since then a number of short term flings with, frankly the wrong kind of man. If I’m honest she has form for choosing the bad boys who break her heart and sadly it’s a very obvious pattern from the outset to everyone but her. I have tried to gently help her to realise this each time but she refuses to take any advice.

She is now closing in on 40 and the latest fling has ended (predictably) in disaster. She has been emotionally put through the wringer once again and she is in pain. This was another obvious one though. She liked him because he treated her ‘like a princess’. She said her heart melted when he insisted on putting her socks on for her in the morning?!?!? She likes to be pampered and showered with gifts, be waited on hand and foot, not have to lift a finger. Her words. But when the inevitable happens and he cheats or lies, she is heartbroken.

My belief is that if you seek to be put on a pedestal, this isn’t going to be a mature, equal relationship is it? It’s almost ironic that she is initially made to feel like they are somehow subservient to her because it’s really they who hold all the power in the relationship. She is seeking a fantasy life that doesn’t exist.

I am happily married and I would describe the power share in my relationship as 50/50. I would not want to be treated like a princess, and in fact the idea makes me feel nauseous and uncomfortable. I very much love my husband and I feel loved by him but I believe the ‘princess’ concept is a fallacy perpetuated by Disney movies in the 90s and at some point we all have to grow up and recognise that a healthy relationship is not a fairytale.

AIBU to think she is living in cloud cuckoo land and in the kindest possible way, she really needs to grow up?

I’m torn because I don’t think you, being in a happy stable relationship will be able to make her suddenly see sense as you haven’t had to dare the way she has (am mid 40s and married since 27 and having listened to some of my single friends it is such a minefield out there. I hang back and support but advice is a toughie as what do I really know?)

@MerryMaker I read that book after a broken marriage, and referred to it over a number of years during a subsequent relationship of 13 years. Which had mental abuse traits. I felt it was very useful in parts and it taught me a lot about my insecurities.
I may even still have it, a further 11 years later but I don't refer to it these days as I now know what I do and don't want.
@Ladyinwaitingroom I'd recommend it to your friend.

Has she asked you for relationship advice or your opinion?

If so, I'd probably ask questions designed to get her thinking about what she really wants and needs, and what to look for and avoid in future. Rather than telling her what she should/shouldn't do or comparing her to your own relationship.

My DP treated me like a princess during and post failed induction and emergency C-section, but we’ve been together twelve years and he’d just watched me go through hell in labour for six days followed by major surgery.

He fed me several meals when I was stuck lying down in bed having endless monitoring during my induction, then after the section he carefully brushed, washed and dried my sweaty, matted hair, washed my actual arse crack because I couldn’t twist round to reach and pulled up several adult nappies for me until I could do it myself 😂

I wouldn’t want or expect him to treat me like that under any other circumstances, though!

I have a family member who talks about her boyfriend batthing her, makes me feel sick 🤢

@stayathomer we met in our early 20s and navigated single life, dating, partying, and our early careers together. We have both been through the dating scene together, lived together briefly, with long term relationships, short term relationships and everything in between. I have made my own relationship mistakes during that time, learned what it takes to be in a functional relationship and what makes a relationship last. Of course I’m speaking from a position of privilege and who knows what’s around the corner for me, but I met my husband ten years ago and we married after 5- she’s witnessed it all and I’ve witnessed her slow descent into dysfunction.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice she constantly asks for my advice but never takes it. Of course we are not all the same and her life is her life but it’s got to the point that I have considered distancing myself from her as it’s painful to watch her continue down the same road, never learning from her mistakes and never taking onboard my suggestions, then crying back to me when it all goes wrong. It’s hard to watch and must be even harder for her to go through.

@Monty27 @MerryMaker thank you for the recommendation - I’m not sure if she’ll take it on board but I might suggest this

I’ve watched a friend go through relationships like this, but I think it ultimately came down to her personality, she liked starting arguments and she was easily flattered. She wouldn’t have considered going out with a nice but not extremely attractive man, but she would go out with someone who was unpleasant but good looking and you can’t change that mindset.

Who needs enemies when they have friends like you hey

I also know a woman like this, exactly like this, who’s most recent fiance (she insists on a ring almost as soon as she gets in a relationship..) just broke up with her and describes her completely as delusional with a major princess complex.

Yea, sometimes people need to be told they are absolutely not the main character and relationships need genuine work and fleshing out before deciding they’re the one. Bring her down to earth a little.

I also knew a woman like this who had suffered from childhood neglect. Nothing in her adult life made her happy. Even with a worshipping husband and everything she could possibly want, she was wretchedly jealous and miserable. It was really sad.

You sound like you’re delighting in her pain @Ladyinwaitingroom

Your poor “friend”

Whenever I read a post on relationships with a phrase like “he treats me like a queen/princess” I know the op is about to describe an abusive relationship,

Send her a link to the freedom programme - even the description mentions fairytales and it might just be the right language to catch her attention.

Yanbu to think it but its her life and her choices. She has refused to take your advice, I'd step back.

There are also men out there with narcissistic tendancies that love bomb you as part of the process of entering into a relationship with you, as a form of psychological manipulation.

If she is in therapy hopefully she will come to the conclusion that she needs a different kind of personality. I had a friend who was putting up with a shit situation (still is) I just suggested a book/podcast. It is hard to watch but maybe she was pandered to as a child and expects life to be like a fairytale.

With friends I think it’s helpful to take more of a supporter role, rather than fixer / problem solver. This reduces the emotional burden too as you feel less responsible for her happiness. The OP’s friend is already having therapy so likely has some insight into her relational difficulties and I would be mindful of not taking a position of judgement and coming across as a ‘smug married’! It has likely been very difficult for her seeing the OP find what she herself is finding hard to get.

I think the ‘princess’ thing is a bit of a red herring and not worth focusing on. We all have different wants and needs in relationships, some people value more traditional roles and that’s okay. The OP’s friend seems vulnerable with low self esteem and wavering boundaries, this is what needs to be improved but I don’t think it’s the OP’s place to offer unsolicited advice about this. Especially considering the friend is already in therapy.

In this situation I would be very positive around my friend with the intent of bolstering her self esteem and independence. If it felt like too much then I would put boundaries in place in regards to how much time I spent with her.

How long is it since she lost her long term partner? When you say it ended in heartbreak and she is still carrying trauma what do you mean? I would suggest the fact that these relationships represent a fantasy life is the whole point! All this princess and perfection carry on saves her from engaging in a real relationship because, to her, real relationships and real feelings equal heartbreak. Obviously we don’t know what happened but did the ex partner behave badly? By going to the other extreme she is protecting herself from further hurt. She definitely needs to work on herself and her own self esteem and work through the trauma first. Can you make time to have a real heart to heart with her? Help her see what she is doing is harmful? If she won’t take it on board (I wouldn’t tell her to grow up that’s likely to alienate her) then there isn’t much else you can do except be there for her, that’s if you want the friendship to continue.

Many decades ago my aunt princessed her way through a succession of marriages/relationships with adoring men who basically cosseted her and waited on her hand and foot. I should add to that "increasingly rich" adoring men and any heartbreak when she moved on was not hers. From what I gather, all of them were perfectly nice, decent looking and successful. She ended up with someone very much younger, adequately wealthy and called it a day (she was nearly 60 at that point) She'd had what my grandmother called "a disappointment in love" when very young and perhaps it made her more cynical and using than she would otherwise have been.

I think she was a rare, emotionally detached case though and any man who wanted to help me to dress (apart for valid reasons of age, illness etc) would get short shrift. It isn't healthy behaviour from any party engaged in this, whether they're the manipulated or manipulator.

This." If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got".

That does sound quite strange having a man put her socks on. It I was the man I'd be running a mile from that.

I think it's probably best to leave it to the therapist, because that sounds quite complicated.

Can you just gently say to her that she needs to talk to the professional and that you can't handle that grade of problem?

She is not mature enough for a serious relationship no matter the age, so she won't find one if she keeps going to losers

I had a friend like this for a long time. She used to say she wanted someone to "cherish" her but it meant the same thing - someone to sort out every distasteful aspect of normal life, take all responsibility. Infantilise her basically. She's now 58 and still waiting for her prince to come. She's actually a very capable woman but her expectations are her undoing.
I couldn't put up with being treated like a princess at all, would find it insulting. I am fortunate to have a lovely husband but I don't want him to fanny around me like I'm useless.

I think it's essential for some people to have a partner in life who treats them like they are really special. I don't think that's quite the same as the Princess concept your friend is experiencing though. I personally wouldn't be interested in a man who didn't make an effort to woo me and wasn't romantic. I'd also feel wrong if I wasn't making that same level of effort. In my world this doesn't rule out equality. He does the house cleaning, for example, and I know lots of men don't and hardly any did back in the early days of us in the 90s.

I wish your friend luck and - to use a Princess related phrase - sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs first. 🐸

This is all wrong and Disney has nothing to do with it - yes, princesses have everything done for them, but not by their spouses! By their servants! But seriously speaking, you can't do anything about it - this would have been remediable when she was in her 20s, but at 40 she is past it. Better leave it. I had a friend like that - also a princess, too choosy, 45 now, alone. Desperately unhappy and therefore snappy. Invites her married female friends on 'girlie holidays' and goes ape when people say 'no, I can't drop my family to go with you'. Starts saying something about 'husband being controlling' and does not realise people prefer to go on holidays with their families. Just leave her to it.