Page 4 | Have you got a "no because" friend?

Soniastrumpet1984 · 2025-01-13T21:21:23+00:00

I've got a nice friend , fairly new . I really got on with her but at times, she can be tricky. She'll start a conversation, leading a certain way and when I join in, she will shut it down. Its nothing really important, here's an example (not a real one) "I really need to get some new trousers in town Me : oh nice. I saw some nice ones in New Look "I can't go to New Look as the stuff is always rubbish. I might look in M&S Me: they'll have some nice stuff "Yeah but I hate M&S. There's never enough choice unless you go online" Me : you could try online if you can't find anything in the shop "I don't like online though" I like her a lot but a conversation is like banging your head on the wall sometimes

theruffles · 14/01/2025 10:27

Yes, though not a friend but an acquaintance through a hobby. The lady in question is so negative about everything and it is draining. I just try to keep my distance and not get stuck in a conversation with her!

Jelodah · 14/01/2025 10:47

A have a friend who was in UK from overseas and I didn’t enjoy her company for this reason…complete personality change from when I saw friend a couple of years ago!
Tried delving to work out why everything was so negative,contrary,race to the bottom and race to the top ! Anything that was bothering me ,she always had worse case scenario,anything that I was happy and excited about ,she had something bigger and better to reply with ! And the name dropping was ridiculous,just not the friend I have loved over the past 35 years . Absolutely impossible to have a proper chat and conversation,felt relieved but also really sad when she left to go home.

Costcolover · 14/01/2025 10:51

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 13/01/2025 21:57

I have a "yeah but" one 😂
Honestly go along with the madness sometimes and it really spirals 😂
If fairly new I'd leg it. I'm two decades in 😂 jokes aside, they're a great person just went a bit weird after having a kid. Like the soul and morals are on point but if I wasn't in so deep I'd have legged it. New people she meets leg it.

You sound like a great friend yourself What a horrible way to talk about someone you've been friends with for 20 years 😳

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 14/01/2025 11:44

ah, I've never heard the name of this game, but yes I know a couple just like this. Excuses for everything and always negative, even about things they say they are passionate about. Its very draining

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 14/01/2025 13:23

Costcolover · 14/01/2025 10:51

You sound like a great friend yourself What a horrible way to talk about someone you've been friends with for 20 years 😳

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I will be blunt about her behaviour on a forum to share my experience that it's not worth it and the deeper you're in the harder it is to walk away, take opportunity to leg it if you can.

I've gone along with the oh woe me and it spiraled like mad. I've given her options and I'm met with excuses. I ask what she's going to do about it and she tells me there's nothing she can do and yeah buts herself in circles. And lastly, if I point out her contradictions/lies she gives me silent treatment for days on end (ironically a blessing). Why do I put up with it? She needs someone to vent to for her mh to be stable ish. Before her DD was born she was a sound enough person. Five years of above is absolutely exhausting. As I stated above- the soul and morals are solid. She's just got lost along the way and is not even glass half empty type - there's no fucking glass.

Enjoy your opinion though, hopefully op will read above that it can be useful to them. My friend didn't start that extreme. In the beginning for 20 years she was like lady in op.

Good luck to you all 😂

DatingDinosaur · 14/01/2025 13:49

My mum's like this. It's quite a narcissistic trait tbh. The conversation has to always be about her, revolve around her, she has to be in control of it. She just likes the sound of her own voice and thinks her own opinion is the only valid one and will argue the toss at anyone else's suggestions.

She basically 'talks at' people, not to them or with them.

Walkinginthesandagain · 14/01/2025 16:35

In the hypothetical conversation in the original post, seems to me the OP's friend is highly irritated that OP is taking so much interest in where she's going to buy a pair of trousers. Sometimes apparent negativity can be used to establish boundaries and OP didn't take the hint.

Original poster

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 17:08

Walkinginthesandagain · 14/01/2025 16:35

In the hypothetical conversation in the original post, seems to me the OP's friend is highly irritated that OP is taking so much interest in where she's going to buy a pair of trousers. Sometimes apparent negativity can be used to establish boundaries and OP didn't take the hint.

Nope. This is a misreading. I've given other examples

OP posts:

FastFood · 14/01/2025 17:11

One of my friends can be like that sometimes. In that case I just shrug it off and say "well there's no solution then its over i guess we're all going to die" and we just laugh it off.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 14/01/2025 18:19

MyDeepZebra · 14/01/2025 00:37

@Doingtheboxerbeat Bear in mind that I’m ND…

I don’t see anything wrong with what you’ve written, and feel it’s different from some of the examples on the thread.

So the example above about the Autistic woman…who said “Obviously, it’s Winter.” I can see why that comes across as rude but I also know how her mind is working…”well yes, it is cold…because it’s Winter…and I don’t really see the point that’s being made here…or why it’s important enough to talk about…and I’m not sure what to say as it’s either very important to her or obviously an attempt at small talk…and I never know what to say to small talk…and I can’t quite read if she’s happy or sad about the weather because she is smiling but her voice sounded like it’s a bad thing so maybe I should just make a statement that is true…because the truth can’t be offensive because it’s correct and factual…so I’ll go with the obvious…”

”Well. Obviously. It’s Winter.”

When “yeah, it’s bloody freezing isn’t it!” and a giggle was what was expected in return.

And in your case, you acknowledge the reality and then follow it up with a positive, factual statement.

Forgive me if you’re not ND and I’ve assumed you are but if the “Yes, but” statement is a bit of an echolalia thing that you do regularly or a sort of learned response that is an automatic style of communication… (they’ve said something negative so I will put a positive spin on it to make it seem more cheerful)…some NT people will see it as grating if they don’t have any insight into Neurodiversity. I used to always get snide looks and sniggers for saying, “It’s really interesting that…” a lot. I hadn’t noticed. And I had a lot of things I DO find REALLY interesting. I’m highly masking, and do quite well socially so I’m essentially able to mask and “fit in”. But it’s draining trying to remember all the unwritten rules and put on a voice that isn’t interpreted as sarcastic.

But many of the examples given are about power, control and games that people play socially to belittle, manipulate, gaslight even. And that’s a different kettle of fish altogether.

Personally, I think it all comes down to intent and motive. The example in the OP doesn’t sound at all like neurodivergent behaviour. I think it’s genuinely malicious at worse, or someone stuck in a childhood behaviour at best.

Edited

Ok, I think I may have misunderstood action v intention.
I strongly suspect I am ND and others have commented that I may be too - I'm 53 and feel it's probably too late in the day to get a diagnosis at this point.

I love deep conversations but i think I'm self aware enough to limit these kind of interactions with people I actually know, but feedback I get from honest people is that I'm quite intense at times and that stops me from being my true self 🥺 so I come off as shallow - it's a tightrope for sure .

MissDeborah · 14/01/2025 21:07

Walkinginthesandagain · 14/01/2025 16:35

In the hypothetical conversation in the original post, seems to me the OP's friend is highly irritated that OP is taking so much interest in where she's going to buy a pair of trousers. Sometimes apparent negativity can be used to establish boundaries and OP didn't take the hint.

I would also agree with this, don't give advice when its not asked for.
In the scenario she wasn't asking where she could get trousers, she was just telling the Op she needed them

People who jump to advice are really annoying, the assumption you can't figure it out yourself.

Even if it's not this you can control the conversation by asking questions, she is sharing something with you so LISTEN rather than jumping in to speak and give solutions.

Original poster

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:30

MissDeborah · 14/01/2025 21:07

I would also agree with this, don't give advice when its not asked for.
In the scenario she wasn't asking where she could get trousers, she was just telling the Op she needed them

People who jump to advice are really annoying, the assumption you can't figure it out yourself.

Even if it's not this you can control the conversation by asking questions, she is sharing something with you so LISTEN rather than jumping in to speak and give solutions.

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Nope. This is not an exact conversation.
She does this many times with all differing scenarios

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 14/01/2025 21:34

If its a repeating pattern then she might just be a negative person, it might be subtle negging or controlling behaviour, or it could be something worse. Does she ever fish for info about you? Do you ever find yourself revealing more than you're comfortable with?

Original poster

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:37

Thelnebriati · 14/01/2025 21:34

If its a repeating pattern then she might just be a negative person, it might be subtle negging or controlling behaviour, or it could be something worse. Does she ever fish for info about you? Do you ever find yourself revealing more than you're comfortable with?

I really like her a lot but there is a little rumble of gut instinct saying exercise caution but I cant pin it down

OP posts:

MyDeepZebra · 14/01/2025 21:39

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:37

I really like her a lot but there is a little rumble of gut instinct saying exercise caution but I cant pin it down

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Please listen to that little voice! Bitter experience talking here.

MissDeborah · 14/01/2025 21:39

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:30

Nope. This is not an exact conversation.
She does this many times with all differing scenarios

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But she can only negate, rebuff etc if you give her the option.
She won't change so you either change the way you communicate and rather than offer advice or make suggestions , listen and then ask a question. Or a neutral remark " that's interesting" " lovely suggestion" etc
She then has no negative place to go

MissDeborah · 14/01/2025 21:41

If you feel a gut instinct then ditch her

If you think it is nastiness or negging
I.e what ever you say is wrong/put down or criticised then she is not a friend

Original poster

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:47

MissDeborah · 14/01/2025 21:39

But she can only negate, rebuff etc if you give her the option.
She won't change so you either change the way you communicate and rather than offer advice or make suggestions , listen and then ask a question. Or a neutral remark " that's interesting" " lovely suggestion" etc
She then has no negative place to go

Show quote history

Yeah it's not always a response to a suggestion. I've tried to give a few more examples without being too specific.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:52

She doesn't put me down or criticise me, but will reach out and be very insistent " we must go for a coffee , have a proper catch up" we will spend a while back and for, organising but never quite getting a plan. It's like she wants attention or to know I'm around. Its a bit odd.
I backed off , and let her lead, but the behaviour is still odd. That's when the little gut niggle started

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 14/01/2025 21:56

Listen to that gut feeling, somethings off and its easier to not get tangled up with her in the first place than to have to deal with a massive problem later.

2pence · 14/01/2025 22:19

People don't like being told what to do.

She says something. You tell her to go to New Look.

She says no. You tell her to go to M&S.

She's says no. You tell her to go on line.

And so on.

If you value her friendship, stop telling her what to do.

I need new trousers. Oh, where are you thinking of going? She'll tell you.

She wants to control her own conversation and make her own decision about where she buys her own trousers.

Trying asking and being curious about her instead of immediately giving your advice and opinions and see if that makes a difference to her "negativity".

Original poster

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 22:36

2pence · 14/01/2025 22:19

People don't like being told what to do.

She says something. You tell her to go to New Look.

She says no. You tell her to go to M&S.

She's says no. You tell her to go on line.

And so on.

If you value her friendship, stop telling her what to do.

I need new trousers. Oh, where are you thinking of going? She'll tell you.

She wants to control her own conversation and make her own decision about where she buys her own trousers.

Trying asking and being curious about her instead of immediately giving your advice and opinions and see if that makes a difference to her "negativity".

No this isn't how it went. I've said multiple times now, this is not an exact conversation, it's an approximation
It isn't to do with her responding to my suggestions. Read my updates and I clarify more

OP posts:

Obeseandashamed · 14/01/2025 22:56

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/01/2025 21:52

She doesn't put me down or criticise me, but will reach out and be very insistent " we must go for a coffee , have a proper catch up" we will spend a while back and for, organising but never quite getting a plan. It's like she wants attention or to know I'm around. Its a bit odd.
I backed off , and let her lead, but the behaviour is still odd. That's when the little gut niggle started

Do you think she's just an overthinker who can't help but think out loud? As I read it, that's what I thoughts

2pence · 14/01/2025 22:57

I did read them. Try asking about her, see if that makes a difference. Perhaps she feels you always bring every conversation back to yourself and what you think. Or you could just continue as you are and nothing will change. Do you not see that you're pretty much doing here what you're accusing her of doing?

Qwerty111 · 14/01/2025 23:03

I think I recognise this behaviour OP, asking a question then ruling out every suggestion immediately without taking a moment to consider them.

Is it ever like this with your friend? My person will introduce a topic we’ve previously “clashed” on and it’s like she’s already written my part and hers and must run through them. So, to take your example, in about a fortnight she would start talking about trousers again and ignore me trying the “what colour?” or “hmmm” approaches suggested here. She would keep mentioning New Look and asking me if I liked their trousers until I reached the correct line she had written for me in her script, that I liked their trousers… and then she would jump in with all the things she’d said the previous time plus some extra points. And so on to Marks and Spencer.

I don’t understand it, I’ve tried everything suggested here and I’ve never seen it described anywhere.