Have you got a "no because" friend?

[Soniastrumpet1984]

I've got a nice friend , fairly new . I really got on with her but at times, she can be tricky. She'll start a conversation, leading a certain way and when I join in, she will shut it down. Its nothing really important, here's an example (not a real one)
"I really need to get some new trousers in town
Me : oh nice. I saw some nice ones in New Look
"I can't go to New Look as the stuff is always rubbish. I might look in M&S
Me: they'll have some nice stuff
"Yeah but I hate M&S. There's never enough choice unless you go online"
Me : you could try online if you can't find anything in the shop
"I don't like online though"
I like her a lot but a conversation is like banging your head on the wall sometimes

Your friend: We should go for a coffee
You: Sure, when would you like to go?
Your friend: I don't like coffee or going out with people

That bears no resemblance to the conversations being described on this thread.

Yeah, she's definitely not ND. That's not what is happening.
I had thought that it may be for attention, as she seeks to need to talk about things but then you can't really talk if you see what I mean as she blocks it.
A recent example is a medical one. She has an ongoing issue, GP has referred her to a specialist but has said she must attend a specific A&E if certain things happen (our city has an A&E specifically for this one thing)
I'll get a message saying she couldn't sleep because of the thing , and she will say she has the symptoms for A&E . I'll respond (not trying to solve the problem as I'm aware that could be annoying) and her responses will be that A&E won't do anything, she'll wait for the specialist, A&E will be a long wait etc etc.
She has a husband and adult daughter and is a really lovely person but this contrariness is hard. You can never seem to get a conversation going as all the inroads are blocked

Yeah this is nowhere similar to what I've described

Pretty much

This absolutely sums it up. Attention and a moan, not a conversation

I'm going to look this up

Yes!!! She is in a dispute with work at the moment and in fairness, I don't know how they can help her to her satisfaction

Its kinda like when people say they don't have time to exercise, for example, and you offer up plenty of solutions, but its all no no no, they just dont want to

As others have said do read Eric Berne's Games People Play. It has this one and a whole load of others and it tells you the correct response and how not to get drawn in. I believe for this game it's something along the lines of 'oh that does sound like a tricky problem how are you going to solve it?'

This would drive me nuts. If you've got other friends, I'd focus more on them. She sounds exhausting and irritating.

I have a friend like this! We first met when our children started school, I thought she was a nervous mum and befriended her to help her join in and for our children to get to know each other. 8 years later she is still a negative nancy!!! She always tells other people how much me and another mum have supported and helped her, but everything we say to her she has a " oh, but I can't because... " answer. It's very frustrating, but I just let her ramble on now and don't offer any advice, she seems to like being listened to and always says she's had a great time when we've been out!

Yes. It’s way more mysterious why the OP remains friends with this person, if her conversation is this scintillating.

And me. Although, I would have continued the conversation with my plan is to just mooch around and find something. I don't think it's negative, she didn't like what you suggested.

New Look is shite, Marks and Spencers stock is awful and online is too pot luck, especially with cheaper clothing lines.

I suspect you're giving her solutions when she doesn't want them.

That would drive me mad OP! If she’s a new friend can’t you just phase her out?
I have a friend who solves problems that aren’t there, which is very draining too 🤣

Eg I might say:
I really need to get some new trousers in town

Her : oh nice. How are you going to get into town? Clothes shopping is such a mission!

Me: it’s ok I’ll just walk in. I quite like the time to myself

Her: gosh that’s a long walk! I’ll give you a lift and we can chat on the way? I’ll see if DH can have the kids and I’ll drive you. Trains are running too I think. Or the 67 bus?

Me: ah thank you but it’s ok, plus will stop me buying loads of stuff if I have to carry it all home!

Her: no really, I think he can have the kids, X had a club but we can juggle things around and I’ll give you a lift. It’s meant to rain too isn’t it.

Me: OH MY GOD I WANT TO WALK BY MYSELF YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING I AM SAYING, I NEVER EXPRESSED ANY NEED FOR HELP!!!

it’s like she thinks I haven’t thought of all these factors myself (rain, public transport). Quite infantilising really.

😂 it’s quite draining. If someone else said the above I’d be like ‘god just phase her out’ but real life non-online humans are multi faceted and we all have our flaws. Just like how I’ve just contradicted the second sentence of this post.

My husband's a bit like this. He's naturally pessimistic (though he thinks he's just realistic) and he has a habit of talking himself out of things. Eg, he would sometimes suggest we all go for lunch out together if we were out shopping. Me: (starts to look forward to the meal) oh yes, that would be lovely! Him (just before we're due to go to eaterie): Actually, no. I don't want to. We can have lunch at home and I don't fancy it any more.

Or he'll plan a daytrip out, start driving there, then if there is a half-hour delay for any reason, eg traffic: "No, that's it, I don't want to do it any more. That's half the day lost now."

It's as if he thinks out loud through the pros and cons of everything, which is fine, but then can't get beyond the 'cons'.

The examples you’ve given are incredibly insensitive to you, as well as disrespectful of your time and feelings.

Oh God my SIL is like this. She doesn't drive and is always moaning about having to carry her heavy grocery shopping now she's middle aged. Yet she refuses to try an online delivery. Conversations go like this:

• If it's too heavy, why not get an online delivery?
• Oh no, I don't like the idea of someone picking out my fresh fruit and veg
• OK so just get the heavy stuff like tins and washing powder delivered
• Oh no but they sometimes substitute for other things and I wouldn't like that
• You don't have to accept a sub and you won't be charged
• No but you have to be in at a certain time to accept the delivery
• You have quite a predictable life and can easily be in for it as you WFH.
• No I don't think it would work

GAAAAARGHHHHH! I have come to the conclusion that she just enjoys moaning about it and doesn't actually want to improve the situation.

Not a mystery at all. She has many good points

Nope. I don't give solutions in all the conversations, this was an example of how one might go, not a verbatim record

I felt my hackles rising just reading your post. I think @MissDeborah suggestion is brilliant. I would never have thought of that

I describe this sort of person as the thistle person

"I'm in pain, I'm sitting on a thistle, what are YOU going to do about it?"

Avoid the thistle people

I've Googled Yes But and it's sort of it, but not quite.

I like this.

"Not my thistle, not my problem."

I’ve met a couple of people that are contrarian in this way, and honestly, I avoided them precisely because it is so draining. I couldn’t/wouldn’t have become friends with them.

However, this is familiar:

One aspect is regular put downs of herself peppered through conversations.
I always always say noooooo [friend's name]! You're NOT fat/stupid/flaky/lazy/ugly or whatever she's calling herself, and the convo stumbles on

I have made a relatively new friendship group and there is one woman who does this all of the time. I found it quite shocking tbh. She is an amazingly intelligent and eloquent person, runs two of her own successful businesses is funny and kind. But she always does this. The rest of the group, well used to it, tell her very robustly it isn’t true. I asked about it once (when she wasn’t there), and was told that it is the way her family treat her telling her she is thick, useless, boring etc and after years of the husband doing it, the sons now do the same. She also has another separate ‘friendship’ group from years back when she lived elsewhere that also treat her the same. I have never met her husband/sons but the rest of the group no longer see them for this reason (one of whom has apparently told the husband to his face he is an arsehole). So, now I understand why she is like this, I will also be strong in rebutting it instead of eye rolling.