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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to provide free regular childcare?

82 replies

YeezysBeans · 13/01/2025 15:51

I am a sahm, and I feel like every week I am getting heavy hints or even out right requests to provide free regular childcare for people I know who work and have kids. Some of them I know well and some are just acquaintances.

We have a plethora of paid for childcare options in our area but these don't seem to have occurred to any of these people at all and they seem to think I will jump at the chance to juggle their kids into my week and around my own kid's and households needs.

I have been a working mum in the past and it never once occured to me to ask other parents I knew to provide me with free regular childcare!

I'm a bit fed up of dodging the hints and requests. There's soo many reasons I don't feel up to being able to provide what they are heavily hinting or outright asking for and I'm fed up about it.

I have health issues that I don't talk about, I'm studying, one of my children has mental health stuff happening which again I don't discuss - but I don't feel like I should have to explain why I don't want to provide childcare, and I'd love a response I could use that closes down these people's ideas of me being their childcare solution.

I should add if a friend or relationship ve had an emergency situation I would absolutely help out at the drop of a hat if I could in any way that would help, and wouldn't even want a thank you, it's the entitled assumption that I'll provide people with free regular childcare that I'm annoyed about.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 13/01/2025 15:53

How are these requests phrased? I was a SAMH for years and was never asked to provide regular childcare! Of course YANBU to say no, I’d say exactly that. ‘I’m not able to do that/I don’t wish to do that.’

calmandcollected101 · 13/01/2025 15:53

YeezysBeans · 13/01/2025 15:51

I am a sahm, and I feel like every week I am getting heavy hints or even out right requests to provide free regular childcare for people I know who work and have kids. Some of them I know well and some are just acquaintances.

We have a plethora of paid for childcare options in our area but these don't seem to have occurred to any of these people at all and they seem to think I will jump at the chance to juggle their kids into my week and around my own kid's and households needs.

I have been a working mum in the past and it never once occured to me to ask other parents I knew to provide me with free regular childcare!

I'm a bit fed up of dodging the hints and requests. There's soo many reasons I don't feel up to being able to provide what they are heavily hinting or outright asking for and I'm fed up about it.

I have health issues that I don't talk about, I'm studying, one of my children has mental health stuff happening which again I don't discuss - but I don't feel like I should have to explain why I don't want to provide childcare, and I'd love a response I could use that closes down these people's ideas of me being their childcare solution.

I should add if a friend or relationship ve had an emergency situation I would absolutely help out at the drop of a hat if I could in any way that would help, and wouldn't even want a thank you, it's the entitled assumption that I'll provide people with free regular childcare that I'm annoyed about.

No you absolutely should not have to divulge personal/ confidential information to justify why you cannot.

Even if that wasn't there, you shouldn't have to justify yourself.

I suppose if I were you, I would suggest to them the childcare options you know available or to the childcare website. That should stop it and then THEY should get the hint Grin

MassiveSalad22 · 13/01/2025 15:54

I have a list of local childcare provisions in my head so I can say ‘have you heard of X holiday club/babysitter, they sound great’ for example. Then change subject.

JimHalpertsWife · 13/01/2025 15:55

What sort of hints / requests?

MrsDefrost · 13/01/2025 15:56

You know what? Sometimes you just need to say what you're thinking. 'No x, I'm busy enough as it is, I won't be taking on childminding for anyone.'
I wouldn't be passing on details of local childcare either. Not your monkeys.

Createausername1970 · 13/01/2025 15:57

You are not at all unreasonable. You know your limits, stick to them.

I was a SAHM for a few years and there is no way I would have regularly had someone else's child. It's too restrictive and too much of a worry.

Ignore the hinters, and practice saying "sorry, that just wouldn't work for me" to the ones who ask outright.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/01/2025 15:57

I'd just remind people I haven't opened a bloody childminding business and I've got my own shit to do.

Cheeky fuckers op, they're CFs!

montelbano · 13/01/2025 15:57

In an emergency..yes.
If a reciprocal arrangement...yes if it suits.
Free regular childcare...no, thanks.

SunDash · 13/01/2025 15:58

Ignore these, with a blank stare...don't even say yes, don't say no...how you say: grey rock.

FlamFlam · 13/01/2025 15:58

I lost "friends" because of this. I know they only befriended me once they found out I was a sahm and I refused to look after children who didn't even play with my child. My child's best mate was a different thing altogether and I had him over on inset days when there is no childcare here.

You just have to say no that doesn't work for me and keep repeating. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You don't owe them anything.

InterIgnis · 13/01/2025 15:59

Just be direct: ‘no, I’m not going to provide childcare’. Being vague or making up excuses rarely puts people off - instead of taking it as a hint it’s taken as an opportunity to bend your arm and corner you into agreeing.

’No’ is not a dirty word or something to fear of saying. If they get annoyed? Well, so fucking what? Let them. It’s not like they’re bothered about annoying you.

PizzaPunk · 13/01/2025 16:01

OrangeSlices998 · 13/01/2025 15:53

How are these requests phrased? I was a SAMH for years and was never asked to provide regular childcare! Of course YANBU to say no, I’d say exactly that. ‘I’m not able to do that/I don’t wish to do that.’

I've been on MN about 14 years and this thread is a very common one.

I was also a SAHM for 8 years and I was often asked.

thescandalwascontained · 13/01/2025 16:13

''We've made financial sacrifices so I can be home for the benefit of my family (time with your own DC) and future (studying), not yours. I'm not available to look after other people's children, especially for free."

Stand firm.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/01/2025 16:15

The reasons why you don't want to do this are immaterial, you don't want to look after other people's DC and that's fine. If you start telling the CFs your problems they'll only try and work round them so a simple blank stare probably works better

devilspawn · 13/01/2025 16:16

Tell them no problem, it will be £100/hour, plus extra for pick ups/drop offs.

They'll think you're a nutcase and back off 😂

Mountainpika · 13/01/2025 16:19

I had a friend who had a son same age as my older one. She had a daughter a bit younger than my younger son. We were both stay at home mums. Just before my younger one was due to start school, she was offered a job with her old employer. She had it all worked out - her mother would look after the daughter for 3 days a week, and I would have her for two. No, I didn't want to take my boys to school and then have another child to look after, delightful child though she was. I didn't want the responsibility. I told her no. She never spoke to me again.

Tortielady · 13/01/2025 16:21

devilspawn · 13/01/2025 16:16

Tell them no problem, it will be £100/hour, plus extra for pick ups/drop offs.

They'll think you're a nutcase and back off 😂

Per child of course. No BOGOFS, even for twins 😁

femfemlicious · 13/01/2025 16:23

Tell them you can help out once in a while if there is an emergency but you can't help regularly because you have a lot going on. You may need help as well some day

TypingoftheDead · 13/01/2025 16:26

Mountainpika · 13/01/2025 16:19

I had a friend who had a son same age as my older one. She had a daughter a bit younger than my younger son. We were both stay at home mums. Just before my younger one was due to start school, she was offered a job with her old employer. She had it all worked out - her mother would look after the daughter for 3 days a week, and I would have her for two. No, I didn't want to take my boys to school and then have another child to look after, delightful child though she was. I didn't want the responsibility. I told her no. She never spoke to me again.

I don’t understand how someone could be so entitled to just assume you’d do that, without asking first. Breathtaking.

Inkyblue123 · 13/01/2025 16:27

Just say no, I couldn’t possibly, far too busy. Thanks for thinking of me though. And share your most painful smile.

Dontbeme · 13/01/2025 16:29

femfemlicious · 13/01/2025 16:23

Tell them you can help out once in a while if there is an emergency but you can't help regularly because you have a lot going on. You may need help as well some day

Wouldn't even offer in an emergency, as everything will become an emergency. Tesco, emergency. Spa day, emergency. Hungover, emergency. Don't ever offer an "in" to soften the no. Just "that doesn't suit my circumstances, best of luck finding something".

Blogswife · 13/01/2025 16:31

When I was a single Mum I used to try to accommodate everyone with their childcare requests . Non of which were reciprocated .
Someone told me to just say No” - nothing else , no explanation. I wasn’t brave enough to do that so started to say
“ No sorry that’s not possible “
I still use the sentence 20 years later . It still works !

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2025 16:33

MrsDefrost · 13/01/2025 15:56

You know what? Sometimes you just need to say what you're thinking. 'No x, I'm busy enough as it is, I won't be taking on childminding for anyone.'
I wouldn't be passing on details of local childcare either. Not your monkeys.

Edited

I'd go with this response. A categorical 'no' with no opening for them to try and wheedle. 'Busy enough as it is' gives no personal information away.

(Questions as to what I was busy with would be met by a hard stare and a terse 'really not relevant, is it?'.)

toomuchfaff · 13/01/2025 16:35

femfemlicious · 13/01/2025 16:23

Tell them you can help out once in a while if there is an emergency but you can't help regularly because you have a lot going on. You may need help as well some day

no, don't do this.

OP specifically said they can't help.

Why tell them to do it once in a while?

CloudywMeatballs · 13/01/2025 16:36

This is so strange. I was a stay at home parent for many years and I was never once asked to provide regular childcare! I would happily help a friend out in an emergency situation of course and vice versa.
You don't need to give any excuses. Your job is to take care of your kids and your home. If someone asks, say "sorry but I can't do that. I'm not a childminder."

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