To not want to provide free regular childcare?

[YeezysBeans]

I am a sahm, and I feel like every week I am getting heavy hints or even out right requests to provide free regular childcare for people I know who work and have kids. Some of them I know well and some are just acquaintances.

We have a plethora of paid for childcare options in our area but these don't seem to have occurred to any of these people at all and they seem to think I will jump at the chance to juggle their kids into my week and around my own kid's and households needs.

I have been a working mum in the past and it never once occured to me to ask other parents I knew to provide me with free regular childcare!

I'm a bit fed up of dodging the hints and requests. There's soo many reasons I don't feel up to being able to provide what they are heavily hinting or outright asking for and I'm fed up about it.

I have health issues that I don't talk about, I'm studying, one of my children has mental health stuff happening which again I don't discuss - but I don't feel like I should have to explain why I don't want to provide childcare, and I'd love a response I could use that closes down these people's ideas of me being their childcare solution.

I should add if a friend or relationship ve had an emergency situation I would absolutely help out at the drop of a hat if I could in any way that would help, and wouldn't even want a thank you, it's the entitled assumption that I'll provide people with free regular childcare that I'm annoyed about.

I worked full time when my DS was small and it would never occur to me to just assume that anyone would mind him for me. I paid for all his childcare. When he was older he and his friends used to alternate so we could cover things.

You tell them no. You are at home to benefit your own DC not theirs.

These people are CFs. Don't even give it a second thought, or when they drop hints just say something like "gosh, I wish I could have free childcare too, that would be amazing, but who is gong to do that right? We all know how much effort childcare takes".

I’m a bit surprised you’re getting lots of requests, is it normal where you are for friends and family to take on regular childcare for others? I’ve been a SAHM for a long time and haven’t had any requests for something regular, though I’ve provided a fair amount of ad hoc and emergency childcare for friends in need.

I think it’s fine to say “No, I don’t want to do that.” I wouldn’t give reasons or excuses other than that you don’t want to.

If people are heavily hinting often and it’s annoying then ask them straight out “Are you hoping I’ll look after Gary every Tuesday?” And if they say something like “Would you? That would be wonderful.” Snort and say “Not a chance.” The key is to have confidence in your position that you don’t have to do it. That it’s not your job to make their lives easier at your expense. Make it obvious you think the request is absurd and definitely not something you will do or they have any right to expect.

That really is quite breathtakingly entitled of her!

YANBU

One of my friends is a sahm and gets these requests quite often, which irritates me because the people who do ask are all in couples, working and well able to afford their own childcare. They just don't want to have to pay for holiday clubs etc and/or don't want their precious children going to them. And it's never just for a few hours - my friend is often asked to have other peoples' kids for 10-11 hours! As a single parent I would only ask her to have my children in an emergency / if I was really stuck but she knows she can also ask me if she needs help too.

There seem to be quite alot of people out there who think single parents have nothing else to do but look after other people’s kids!

Polite, clear, no nonsense, friendly. I like it

You don’t have to do it in an emergency either.

I never got full time childcare requests when my DC were at primary as a SAHM but I would for staff development days, half term and last min school issues (like a snow day). It was always so odd because the people expecting I’d jump at the chance to look after their DC for no pay were also the ones who had no problem putting down SAHM’s calling us lazy, nothing to do all day etc. The mind boggled.

I had no problem helping out my closest friend with a DC the same age as mine because I always knew I could call her in an emergency (which I have!).

I have always helped people out being a sahm. Never bothered me, but I like kids and my children are happy with other kids around. But it would have to be exceptional because having a SEN kid he does need to be constantly supervised so I couldn't do it regularly or I wouldn't be able to cook/clean etc. Some cf still asked me to look after their children/babies regularly. I had to put on my sorry face and tell them that I wouldn't be able to guarantee their security with long hours etc.

Keep saying 'It must be a nightmare for you, I can barely manage even without a paid job, I am so busy with studying and other commitments. You know that if you have some crisis I'll help out if I possibly can, and there's a great childminding agency in the town, hang on and I'll find the phone number.'

"Oh, you want me to watch little Daisy on Monday next week? Oh and the week after? NO PROBLEM. I know you work so would Saturday or Sunday be best for you to have miniYeezysBeans? DH is going to be SO EXCITED to have some child free days 🤗" If met with a erm no "but I thought we were doing favours? Well if its a childminder role you're after I charge £X an hour. I know Y place is cheaper but the ratio is so much smaller at my house. "

I imagine requests will stop very quickly.

I'd head these off before they happen and say point blank don't ask me to do childcare because the answer will always be no. We're not taking the financial hit in order to benefit other people.

Mm let me look into what childminders locally charge and then of course you would have to pay for dbs check and any other checks authorities require and insurance in case your sprog damages any of my stuff

I've learnt sometimes you just have to say a simple no.
You don't have to give a reason, just say no, and hold it.
Or text ..."No".
Repeat until they stop asking.

I think I'd probably laugh in their face and say ha I've got enough problems with my own thanks!

I don't think I could take a request like that seriously.

What kind of hints are you getting? We can give you some good responses.

If it's things like "the summer holidays are so long, I just don't know what we are going to do" just say something like "well good luck getting it sorted".

If they are complaining about the cost you can say something like "yes we had to think through our budget really carefully before I became a SAHM and it is a financial hit for us but I guess that's just part of the cost of having kids"

If you are getting messages at pick up time then just turn your phone off at that time.

People will stop.

Just act absolutely stupid and make out you think they're offering to have your kids 😂 I'm sure they'll stop when they think you're going to ask them

I stopped these requests at the first hint. When an SAHM, I'd say that just because I'm at home doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing & can't help, sorry.

If reinforcement was needed I'd laugh & say how I'd love some regular childcare too, and look at them expectantly. The expectation of reciprocation works every time.

Wow thanks for all the replies! Glad to see I'm not being a meany on this one.

Those asking about what sort of hints and questions I'm getting, I'll give some examples.

One parent befriending me, meeting for a coffee and them hinting over and over about how stuck they were for childcare.

• "oh I just don't know what I'm going to do for after-school on Fridays...."
• "It's so hard to juggle it all, I don't know if I can afford after-school club....."
• "X was having child after school but can't now and I'm so stuck!"

On and on. I'd just respond to each hint with things like:

• "Yes that must be stressful"
• "I know there's lots of schemes to help with childcare costs depending on circumstances but I know it varies and it is a tricky one, I remember it well"
• "Would you like me to ask Wendy the childminder at school if they have any spaces or know anyone else that could do it?"

I've also had a parent telling me they've got a new job and openly say they're going to look at organising playdates for after school care, and how their child loves playing with my child..... Thankfully that convo was interrupted before I had chance to respond. Not sure what I would have said as I'm pretty sure I was just stood there open mouthed.

I've had a friend going back to work after maternity leave asking if I'd have her baby two days a week because she can't afford nursery. (No longer a friend oddly enough!)

I've had people asking could I help out while their cm is on holiday or their nursery is closed.

I really like the jokey responses suggested. I also like the blunt ones with a hard stare. I think I shall practice a few to have on hand and which one I use will depend on my mood. 🤣

Would you like me to ask Wendy the childminder at school if they have any spaces or know anyone else that could do it?"

No, I wouldn't be responding like that-it's not your problem to solve.

I'd just do a 'oh no-nightmare!' kind of non-committal comment then change the subject with an, 'omg, I meant to ask if you've seen x, done y, if I told you what happened about z?!'. It's unlikely they'll change the subject back to childcare and if they do, they are a piss-taker, not a friend and I wouldn't be having coffee with them again.

If they ask you outright, laugh and say, 'you are the 5th person to ask me for childcare recently-sorry, no-looking after my own kids is enough for me!'. If they push it, again-that would be enough to mean I don't want to have coffee with them again.

If random people come up to you in a non-coffee situation, just raise your eyebrows and say-sorry, are you asking me for childcare again?!' I doubt they'll keep doing it.

I get why those sorts of things seem like hints but I don’t think they necessarily are and the pressure you feel might be more about your perception of the situation than theirs. Childcare is a nightmare for a lot of parents and exclaiming over it is very normal. Most of those parents will probably be saying the same thing to other parents in exactly the same situation as themselves who would not be in a position to offer to help them. Your responses to those sorts of comments are perfect as they are.

Maybe they're just sharing with you and not hinting.

I've said plenty of these things before never expecting the SAHM to offer to help! I've just been venting or discussing how hard it is with childcare.

If anyone starts hinting id jump straight in and say 'oh i know how difficult/expensive it can be. I get loads of cfs asking me to do free childcare for them, of course im way too busy for that'

Wow