Safeguarding concern - 2 year old

[Newmama2222]

I dont know what to think. My 2 year old DD stays with her dad for 2 nights every fortnight - he was adamant on this or court. Sometimes my ex takes her to his mums and sometimes his, he doesn’t tell me or update me when he takes her. Recently my DD has told me she doesn’t like to go to grandmas house and when I ask her why she says something happens “in the middle of the night” and when I probe further she changes the subject or runs away. She got back from her dad’s on Saturday with a huge bruise on the top of the back of her thigh. Again this could be anything but I am feeling really uneasy. I texted him to ask if she fell and he said no and it was strange.

At her grandmas house my ex’s brother (age 17 or 18) lives there. Now I’m worried something could be happening. Obviously I would have no idea unless she told me and what she’s said is quite vague.

Does anyone know if there’s anyone I should speak to? I don’t know if I’m worrying unnecessarily. She could have bad dreams in the night for example. But I have no idea and I don’t feel comfortable just leaving it like this as I want to be certain she is safe. Any advice would be greatly appreciated from a worried mum.

I’d keep a record of your messages on here too, not sure how helpful it would be but they may provide some evidence that there was a safeguarding concern way prior to him asking for more time with them so obviously throws out the notion that this is in retaliation to his request.

Yes keep a log of all interactions - time and date, whether text, email, visit, what was said.

The important thing there is that you make a note ASAP, they love a contemporaneous note!!

I’m horrified for you, can’t imagine how worried you must be. If no one will talk to you what choice do you have but to talk to police? They have people who know how to talk to children (had to be interviewed as a child)

Wish you well, sorry you’re going through this

Hello op I've not read everything so apologies if you're all sorted now. I just wanted to share some resources for you or others if its needed.

I do safeguarding referrals for my job. I would absolutely be doing a referral for your situation.

If you can get on your local areas mash website - multi agency safeguarding hub. On there they have a framework of what we go through to check if a situation meets the criteria. Usually red green blue boxes or similar. You can literally copy and paste the relevant parts to your own safe guarding referral via your local council website. The more information and backed up evidence that this is of concern the better. This is the framework they use and they can't dispute their own words/framework so they have to investigate.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and it shouldn't be a fight to be taken seriously about it. It's always better to protect and investigate than to leave these things. Well done to listening to your gut.

Just seen previous messages add in all the information about domestic violence and social services being flagged. The more information the better so they can get a clear picture of history and character.

I know it's difficult and the services aren't always helpful but you're doing the right thing op.

If he's previously emotionally abused you enough to warrant a social work investigation then I wouldn't be letting him see her at all.

Let him use a contact centre so they can fully assess him.

What did she say to disclose?

Ok he's told you he's going to court. That was your big fear so if he's doing it anyway you have nothing to lose. What about mediation doesn't he have to try this first?
If I were you I would wait until nearer the weekend and then say due to the safeguarding concerns which you shared with him on (state date so it shows it's not reactive to court) which are currently being investigated you're not going to send her over night, you will take her to a community setting locally of his choosing on both Saturday and Sunday during the day, if he provides written confirmation that unless not present, where would he like to meet her?
Then you can't be accused of trying to sabotage the father child relationship. Tbh I'd expect my ex to do the same if he'd had a potential dosclosure about my brother.
Your dd is so young and you're still facilitating contact so there won't be emergency extra contact. I think they'll err on side of caution for now. If they do decide to let him have overnights again soon, she will be much older and much better able to tell you what's a happening.
And also you could ask court to put in a point in the plan that she will not be left alone with males or she will always be in a room with her dad if she's not sleeping in his house or if there are guests in his house. I know you can't enforce that really but hopefully they will press the importance of this into him.

This. @Freshflower if you ask leading questions then you can ruin all the evidence as you can be accused of planting seeds in the child's imagination. Look at nspcc guidelines for managing disclosures if you have kids or spend time with any please!

My DD used to always tell me she didn't like going to Nan and grandad's, when I asked why she said it was boring, all they do is go shopping. As far as I was aware this was just her being a typical kid and not wanting to go shopping, so she still went to their house one weekday and eow overnight, why I worked (more during holidays).

One night I found one of her notebooks and she had wrote the real reason she didn't like to go there. I spoke to her the next day and she gave me more information, mainly in writing as she didn't like to talk about anything uncomfortable. I passed everything onto her class teacher and within 10 minutes of me leaving school the headteacher called me to tell me she was reporting it using mash and gave me the contact details to do the same.

Social services were contacted and they visited us once before closing the investigation as they were satisfied I was keeping DD safe because I had cut all contact. The police were amazing with her, they visited us at home a few times to create a relationship with DD before even trying to get her into a police station to make a statement.

At the time it was hard trying to juggle everything, especially childcare as they provided quite a lot for me, DD didn't like to talk about it and had a lot of conflicting feelings as she lost a whole side to her family, but she is so much happier now.

She has had cbt to help her and she is a lot livelier, chattier and confident compared to how she was when she had contact with them. She doesn't even miss them and never refers to them by name. She was a lot older than you DD at the time it started so had time to develop a substantial relationship with them but now it's like she never even knew them.

I am glad you're taking steps to safeguard your DD, she sounds very bright for her age. My biggest regret is that I still made DD visit them when she had said she didn't like going.

This

Toddlers don’t lie but they do say things that you have to work out the context for. I’d be wary in this situation,
she is bothered by something, and see what else you can find out. If you can stop her going there for now then do so.

I'd say a bruise on the back of the thigh is unusual enough to raise alarm bells.

Grazed knees and bumps on the head are normal. At one point my toddler's shins were even covered in bruises. But I can't think of him ever having a bruise on the back of his thigh, let alone one that couldn't be explained.

I'm actually really upset that this gp didn't escalate this further. They should have referred her themselves rather than asking you to ring cafcass.

It is so hard to make that call but it's the right thing to do to call social services and say about this. Alternatively call NSPCC as they're very good at supporting and advising. You really need to do the right thing to safeguard her and I can hear how hard you've already tried. I'm sorry you haven't been listened to, but please keep trying to get the right person to take it seriously because it is serious

You could go to a and e instead and ask to see a paediatrician, but I know how busy they are and it's not fun with a baby overnight in ED. First thing in the morning is usually pretty calm though and they definitely would take it seriously and help you

Flowers for you💐xxxx

Those posters who are advising OP to question her daughter, please stop. That is going against all guidelines and best advice as it could do more harm than good and possibly jeopardise any enquiry that may take place. Leave it to the professionals who are trained to do this.

Go to the police do not leave it , if something is happening and she is hurt further or seriously injured and you had a feeling something was going on and your daughter even tried to tell you , you would never forgive yourself , Do it now Call The Police xx

Cafcass only work with families who are in court. You need to call children’s services as they’re the safeguarding agency. The GP should know this and should make a referral himself.

I don’t know if the bruise is still visible, but social services may request a paediatric medical examination.

@fernbeach thank you for sharing this, I’m so sorry to hear it and relieved that your DD is doing so much better. Sending you so much love. Please don’t beat yourself up over it, it’s so difficult to know and that’s what’s so terrifying. I was sat here all of last weekend wondering if I was just being overly anxious or protective because they “seem” like nice people.

I’m so glad your DD was able to tell you eventually. If you don’t mind me asking, did you notice any other signs prior beyond her stating it was boring? How quickly did MASH respond and how soon after did SS visit you?

My DD out of no where said to my mum yesterday “grandma hit me on my head but I can’t tell you” so now it’s getting even more worrying. I am due to hear on next steps on Monday 🤞

@Newmama2222 everything went through really quick. By lunchtime police officers had visited her at school to speak to her, they called me before they went to speak to her, and later that evening the child protection officers came to speak to us at home.

Social services called me the same day and said they needed a meeting with school and police before deciding if they needed to visit us. They had the meeting on Wednesday and the social worker visited on the Friday, all in the same week. It took around 3 weeks before I was told they were closing the case but we didn't have any other visits after the first one.

I was worried that they would hold it against me if we couldn't attend any meetings because I was in work, but they were all really supportive, they'd ask me when we were available and make the appointments around that.

I didn't notice anything, even looking back on it now, there is still nothing in her behaviour that would make me think that was going on. She is so much happier and brighter now, since contact stopped, and she is much more well behaved because she isn't keeping such a big secret.

Thinking of you OP

Please report that OP. Today.

Sorry you're in this situation op. Your daughter is very well spoken for two. It's great she's telling you despite being told not to.

Definitely stick to your gut feeling on this one - the latest comment about being hit on the head but not supposed to tell you is also painting a bigger picture. Have you looked for any evidence of a mark/bruise/lump on her head?

I imagine the original bruise has gone by now, but it may still be worth going to the police, even if just under the guise of asking for advice initially.

Good luck