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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think adult DD expects too much of me?

81 replies

Roastingtatties · 12/01/2025 19:40

Looking for honest opinions….

I’m a single mum of 3, with two neurodivergent school age children at home and an adult DD who lives 20 miles away with her partner and 5 year old DD.

DD complains that I don’t babysit enough. Apparently i’m a terrible grandmother and should make more of an effort with GD. I currently babysit overnight one weekend every 4-5 weeks and a few hours here and there during the week (though admittedly not every week).

I love my GD dearly, we FaceTime
every day and I do genuinely enjoy having her, especially for shorter visits. However, a night out for DD usually equates to the entire weekend. On these weekends i barely sleep as GD snores like a freight train and wakes up throughout the night (not her fault, she has adenoid issues).

Perhaps I should do more but I’ve genuinely got a lot on my plate at the moment and loosing a weekend of sleep, plus getting behind with weekend work takes me a while to recover from.

For context, I work full time, run a business and I’m currently up to my neck with a house renovation. My younger two are challenging and I’m perimenopausal with some ongoing health struggles. DD thinks I’m making excuses but I would sometimes like a break too!

Adult DD, is a stay at home mum, has a supportive partner and GD is in FT school. DD struggles with her mental health and whilst I sympathise with her and do what i can, it’s never enough.

AIBU, should I do more?

OP posts:

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 12/01/2025 19:42

How often is dd taking care of her siblings?

Yanbu

RosesAndHellebores · 12/01/2025 19:42

No. Your dd is being entitled. You have other significant commitments.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/01/2025 19:43

You are doing more than enough, you could do absolutely nothing and see how she likes that?
She is a mother now and she needs to take some responsibility for her own MH and learn to be grateful for any help you offer.

AndAllOurYesterdays · 12/01/2025 19:43

Having never had a weekend off in almost 10 years of parenting I think she's bloody lucky to have you

JLou08 · 12/01/2025 19:44

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 12/01/2025 19:42

How often is dd taking care of her siblings?

Yanbu

I had the same question. If the answer is not at all she is very self-centred to not recognise you have a lot on your plate and could probably do with a break too.

thestudio · 12/01/2025 19:53

I think she's being incredibly unrealistic. Once a month babysitting and a few hours in the week is so much more than many/most people get, even when parents are retired - but with 2 neurodivergent kids and a full time job you have more on your plate than most mothers.

She should be looking at you in amazement that you're keeping it all together - not bullying you into giving more till you're on your knees.

Will she pick up the pieces if/when that happens? If not, I think she should really count her blessings.

I'm generally not the MN 'it was your choice to have children, be grateful that your parents are still alive at all' type, but this has quite shocked me!

Emilianoo · 12/01/2025 19:54

Why does a night out equate to a weekend? Put a stop to that. A night out is a night out, not multiple nights.

OtterlyMad · 12/01/2025 19:54

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. It seems like your daughter may be comparing herself to her friends/peers who get a lot of help and free babysitting from their parents. But presumably, those parents are not running a business and overseeing a house renovation while raising two neurodiverse school-aged children! In short, she’s being an entitled little madam. I think you need to set some firm boundaries and stop letting her take the piss with her expectations.

SunshineAndFizz · 12/01/2025 19:54

You do more than enough. Way more.

Don't doubt yourself.

MuggleMe · 12/01/2025 19:56

Most grandparents that do a lot of childcare are retired not in the thick of it like you. You're doing plenty xx

HopingForTheBest25 · 12/01/2025 20:01

She's taking the piss. I'm assuming her husband's parents are also doing what you do. If not, it's time she and her dh shared the wealth, so to speak. If they are already, then she has plenty of time off and you should step back!

I'd be asking her to have your children one weekend in every 4!

Winter2020 · 12/01/2025 20:06

If your daughters night out that "turns into a weekend" involves getting heavily drunk (or taking drugs) then it won't be doing her mental health any good.

Now your GD is in school your daughter could consider getting a job then she would be able to use a paid babysitter now and then. Or she can continue to enjoy her child free days but probably not have money for childcare in that case.

Feelingstrange2 · 12/01/2025 20:06

She reminds me of Denise from the Royale Family!

When Barbara asks "when would you like me to babysit baby David, Denise" she replied "we were thinking 2004"

Haha. She's a cheeky mare given you have a full life!

DaisyChain505 · 12/01/2025 20:08

No Grandparent is under contract to babysit or care for their Grandchildren and especially so when they have their own school age children still!

Your daughter is rude and selfish.

SlapTheMelon · 12/01/2025 20:12

Is she just stressed? That's not struggling with mental health. That's called living. She sounds entitled and doesn't think of you or her siblings.

outerspacepotato · 12/01/2025 20:14

You have 2 ND children still living with you and in school without anyone else sharing the load of rides, appointments, picking up meds, therapy and the list goes on. That with a full time job plus renovations, my hat is off to you.

Your responsibility is to them, not older daughter who wants you for weekend child care. You don't have the time or the spoons. Older daughter needs to get a job and pay for childcare and her expectations of you are entitled.

corvidconvo · 12/01/2025 20:15

It sounds like you are already doing a lot. Your daughter will have to accept that she's not the only one who needs your support and that you deserve the occasional break, too. She's being selfish.

PoodleFaceAche · 12/01/2025 20:18

You're both mothers now and you have more going on than her, she should be helping you. It'd be nice to think you'd give each other much needed breaks.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 12/01/2025 20:24

Tell her the constant criticism of what you were doing for her, despite being the one balancing a full time job with caring for your own children,
renovating etc, has made you realise nothing you do will ever be good enough for her so you need to be more like her and put yourself first, which means helping her less.

Missymessynessy · 12/01/2025 20:26

She is taking the absolute piss. My parents are retired and have never had my children overnight, don't do any regular childcare, and they don't have any other responsibilities like you do. They do often have them for one day here and there in school holidays, or occasionally if I have an appointment or if one of them is ill and we've run out of parental leave.
I would only do what you're happy doing, and if she's not happy with that tbh I'd stop all babysitting for a few months and maybe this will make her more grateful.
I'd also be telling her she needs to reciprocate now and again and give you a break by looking after her 2 siblings!
Honestly, cheeky as fuck. She clearly has no comprehension or appreciation of just how much you ARE doing. And until she did, i would just stop.

MarioLink · 12/01/2025 20:27

She sounds very ungrateful for what you do do which is more than a lot of grandparents offer. Untill she is grateful I would offer less help not more. Is the health issue causing the snoring being looked into? I would be using babysitting time to get sleep not have a night out if I were her.

Busywithsomething · 12/01/2025 20:29

You are doing as much as you should be doing. You're fine.

Original poster

Roastingtatties · 12/01/2025 20:32

I wasn’t expecting so many supporting replies! Thank you.

Boundaries have been mentioned a few times and I admit, this is something I struggle with.

Although she is a mother herself, she is quite immature and expects the same amount of attention and time as her younger siblings, which includes me babysitting.

She has returned the favour once or twice when I’ve needed to go away with work but it’s very rare.

DD’s in-laws never babysit as they lives miles away, however my mum and sister occasionally babysit, so she does have other support.

OP posts:

DPotter · 12/01/2025 20:37

YANBU - your DD is being unreasonable however and unpleasant with it by the sounds of things.

I think an weekend every 4-6 weeks is fine.

Does she return the compliment with her siblings ? Why are you babysitting during the week when your DD doesn't work outside the home ?

I know it's always said families shouldn't be transactional - but there does need to be a bit of give and take here. I personally wouldn't be doing any further overnight stays whilst the house renovation is on going and until your health issues are resolved. I would also be asking for support for your other 2 children.

You have a lot of your plate - support should be mutual, sounds to me as if you're the one doing all the giving.

If your DD has mental health issues - is she seeking and getting support ?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 12/01/2025 20:38

She is taking the piss and being really selfish. PP made a good point too about mental health and drinking. If she's struggling that isn't going to help at all. It might feel good at the time, but it will be contributing to her struggles. She's a SAHM to a single child in full time schooling, unless she's also studying she has heaps of time to rest, heaps of down time and heaps of time to work on her mental health in a postive way. You are doing more than enough and would be even if you weren't a single parent. The fact she's putting this on you when you're a single parent makes what she's doing even worse. If she needs more help and support she should discuss that with her partner.

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