To think adult DD expects too much of me?

[Roastingtatties]

Looking for honest opinions….

I’m a single mum of 3, with two neurodivergent school age children at home and an adult DD who lives 20 miles away with her partner and 5 year old DD.

DD complains that I don’t babysit enough. Apparently i’m a terrible grandmother and should make more of an effort with GD. I currently babysit overnight one weekend every 4-5 weeks and a few hours here and there during the week (though admittedly not every week).

I love my GD dearly, we FaceTime
every day and I do genuinely enjoy having her, especially for shorter visits. However, a night out for DD usually equates to the entire weekend. On these weekends i barely sleep as GD snores like a freight train and wakes up throughout the night (not her fault, she has adenoid issues).

Perhaps I should do more but I’ve genuinely got a lot on my plate at the moment and loosing a weekend of sleep, plus getting behind with weekend work takes me a while to recover from.

For context, I work full time, run a business and I’m currently up to my neck with a house renovation. My younger two are challenging and I’m perimenopausal with some ongoing health struggles. DD thinks I’m making excuses but I would sometimes like a break too!

Adult DD, is a stay at home mum, has a supportive partner and GD is in FT school. DD struggles with her mental health and whilst I sympathise with her and do what i can, it’s never enough.

AIBU, should I do more?

Maybe your DD ought to babysit her siblings, OP, so YOU can have a break.

I think it sounds like you are a brilliant grandma.

You are making regular ,daily contact with gd and seeing her often . This is where the strong bonds are formed.

I wish my dc had a dg like you .

Wow you have done far more than my mum and I’m hugely grateful for what she has done! Your DD needs to be a grown up and it’s not ok to make you feel guilty in this way. She can go out with her friends when her husband is at home, and then out with him now and again when you or other family babysit. It’s just how it is when the kids are younger. She is behaving in a very entitled way from my perspective.

I think a good friend of yours should send her the link for this thread. Maybe she'll understand how unreasonable she's being.

I'd either cancel the weekend baby-sitting, or specify drop off eg 6pm and pick up eg 11am the next morning so it doesn't take up two full days but is still overnight. You need to explain slowly and clearly that you cannot do more as you already have plenty of responsibilities and she needs to manage her own time better to not rely on you.

When did MH issues mean you can take advantage of your already very busy mum? You are doing way too much.

She's taking you for granted. You need to put your foot down.

Please stand up for yourself. Tell your daughter that you are tired and have a lot on your plate. If she is not happy with that then tell her that is how things are and you cannot do more. You need to preserve your mental health and physical health to keep looking after your other 2 children.

I loved spending time with my grandmother and I really appreciated when my own mother babysat for me but it’s not a given. She’s not entitled to it, it’s something you do because you want to.

She needs a reality check.

You have a lot on your plate and you already do more than enough. She's being incredibly ungrateful and selfish. I can't believe she has the audacity to complain, especially given her situation.

I'd ask her to babysit her siblings weekly.

Lolol I laughed out loud. Audibly loudly at the cheek of your dd. From now on I’d make it transactional. She can baby sit her younger siblings every so often at her house for the weekend to give you a complete break.

It might also be worth making it clear that she you definitely do not have the capacity to increase your help should she decide to have a second child...

I also think there is something a of a difference between babysitting to give her a break because she struggles with mental health and babysitting so she can party all weekend.

Tell her you just can't continue with babysitting, both weekends and during the week. Your mental/ physical health needs take priority from NOW!

Does she take her younger siblings at all to help you out?!
Yanbu. She's being entitled

She sounds demanding.

you work, you have two other children.

once every 4/5 weeks is plenty. She’s taking the piss.

my mum had ours one night a month to let dh and I have a night out, we were very grateful as my mum has a busy life.

It sounds like you are doing plenty! Was she a very young Mum? Assuming so if you are young enough to have school age kids and her own Gran is still young enough to babysit? It doesn’t change what you can do but might be making it hard for her if she’s watching similar age friends go out all the time etc. Has she got “Mum” friends that she’ll have more in common with at this stage of life? A job might help her MH even part time now that your GD is at school.

I don't think she should be having to babysit her siblings, sorry to say as the eldest by some years also I was continually expected to do this and my relationship with them has suffered.

NOT that i think you do this op, and it is a separate issue.

She does entirely need to learn how to appreciate any help given though.

Is she ND as well at all? It could account for her immaturity, not an excuse but could help the way you approach her with this ingratitude.

Same as PPs, my first thought was "what is she doing to help with her siblings?"

In fairness to her, I don't think it's generally unreasonable to expect support from your parents when you're raising your own young family and I don't think this is necessarily entitled. And her siblings are not her kids, so that obligation doesn't really exist the other way. BUT clearly the age gaps between your children make the situation a little different to most. It really wouldn't hurt her to consider your needs too and the fact that this could be a mutually beneficial setup where you both get time to rest and time to spend with GC/siblings.

Given the fact you have school age children, she isn't being sensible or kind to criticise your efforts.

I'm wondering if there is more going on here.

What is the age gap between her and her younger siblings?

Do they have the same father?

I'm just wondering if there is jealousy going on here.

she has no idea how lucky she is to have you.

Your DD is completely unreasonable and very entitled.
You do more than enough and more than anyone I know! My DD’s grandparents babysit over night maybe 2 or 3 times a year max, that would only be if we had a wedding or something important we both had to go to. I wouldn’t dream of asking or expecting it on a regular basis.
she should not have had a child if you don’t want to look after them.

Just ask her why she cannot understand your situation?

@Roastingtatties

Quite frankly I think you should be doing less not more! When do you get any time for you?

Your DD has chosen to have a child.
your DD, despite claiming needs support or more help for MH issues chose to have a child. Their upbringing is totally their responsibility.

perhaps finding a job would help your DD more?

I'm in the same boat, albeit with a greater distance
I work full time, have a teen still at home and elderly parents.
Being a grandparent is just an extension of never being a good enough parent.