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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think adult DD expects too much of me?

81 replies

Roastingtatties · 12/01/2025 19:40

Looking for honest opinions….

I’m a single mum of 3, with two neurodivergent school age children at home and an adult DD who lives 20 miles away with her partner and 5 year old DD.

DD complains that I don’t babysit enough. Apparently i’m a terrible grandmother and should make more of an effort with GD. I currently babysit overnight one weekend every 4-5 weeks and a few hours here and there during the week (though admittedly not every week).

I love my GD dearly, we FaceTime
every day and I do genuinely enjoy having her, especially for shorter visits. However, a night out for DD usually equates to the entire weekend. On these weekends i barely sleep as GD snores like a freight train and wakes up throughout the night (not her fault, she has adenoid issues).

Perhaps I should do more but I’ve genuinely got a lot on my plate at the moment and loosing a weekend of sleep, plus getting behind with weekend work takes me a while to recover from.

For context, I work full time, run a business and I’m currently up to my neck with a house renovation. My younger two are challenging and I’m perimenopausal with some ongoing health struggles. DD thinks I’m making excuses but I would sometimes like a break too!

Adult DD, is a stay at home mum, has a supportive partner and GD is in FT school. DD struggles with her mental health and whilst I sympathise with her and do what i can, it’s never enough.

AIBU, should I do more?

OP posts:

Overthebow · 12/01/2025 21:45

Suggest to her that you do swaps with babysitting so you get some time off too. You do a lot, you’re working and have school age children yourself and it shouldn’t be expected of you.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 12/01/2025 21:46

Tbh it would probably be no bad thing for her in terms of growing up a bit if you were to step back. She's a mother now, she needs to be an adult.

KateMiskin · 12/01/2025 21:48

Honestly, people need to think more carefully about having children. Unless there is some long back story.

TheM55 · 12/01/2025 21:53

You are not being unreasonable, far from.
I realised I had a job to do when I had my five. I did it, and did it well enough. I paid for the childcare they needed when I was working or I very sparingly used it as a last resort, mainly for the others to be born, where my Mum and Dad stepped in to help while me and OH were in hospital. I can count on one hand how many times I went out with my husband to socialise with free help over a fifteen year period. Now they have grown up and are having kids of their own, they too, in my opinion, have a job to do. I can sometimes help with that job, and I love it if it suits us all, but it is not always, and cannot be expected. Comparison is the thief of joy, but the inequalities here are dreadful. Your daughter is a SAHM with supportive partner with one child, and seems to fancy a weekend off. You however are not in the same boat. You are in a different boat altogether as a single working mother with 2 ND children. There are some possible sensible familial economies of scale here - i.e. you are looking after 2, you might as well be looking after 3, but it has to cut both ways. I agree with other posters, show her this, she probably isn't aware of how entitled she is being but please just don't lie down and take it - your job is done here. Wishing you love and luck with it all xxx

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2025 21:58

"Although she is a mother herself, she is quite immature and expects the same amount of attention and time as her younger siblings, which includes me babysitting."
Then it's high time you disabused her of her foolish notions. Next time she whines at you, I would suggest that you point out firmly just how many childcaring resources she has compared to you. And I would frankly be telling her I would not be babysitting for the forseeable, and she should consider whether her idea of a night out ("a night out for DD usually equates to the entire weekend") needs updating. In short she needs to grow the fuck up. And you need to enforce some boundaries, but you already know that.

Love51 · 12/01/2025 22:04

I don't disagree that she's expecting too much. I'm wondering why she has that expectation. When she was her DDs age, was she cared for by grandparents a lot, like more often than an overnight a month? So that to her is normal? Or possibly I'm overthinking and she just likes going out! But it might be worth asking gently about where this expectation has come from, rather than just being blunt.

peachystormy · 12/01/2025 22:05

AndAllOurYesterdays · 12/01/2025 19:43

Having never had a weekend off in almost 10 years of parenting I think she's bloody lucky to have you

Absolutely this . OP your doing plenty

take10yearsofmylife · 12/01/2025 22:05

You have done loads more than my Mum, my mum never baby sits my children, she only work 10 hrs a week. Me and my husband work full time and have 3 children.

Your daughter either being entitled or have a mental issue.

rainingsnoring · 12/01/2025 22:10

Your DD is being ridiculous. You are both mothers but you are far busier than her with two children, a full time job and are also considerably older and perimenopausal, whereas she only has one school aged child and is a SAHM. It sounds as if she needs to grow up!

rainingsnoring · 12/01/2025 22:10

Honestly, her lack of gratitude would make me reduce the help offered in your situation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2025 22:15

Cheeky mare. Do less.

Cynic17 · 12/01/2025 22:18

OP, you are doing way too much for your adult daughter! She is taking the p*ss, and should be helping you, rather than the other way round. Start being a bit more assertive, and stand up to her.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 12/01/2025 22:19

Oh dear God! You could argue just as convincingly that she should be babysitting for you. Obviously you want to stay on good terms with your DD but think you'll have to tell her that you are already overwhelmed and can only offer very limited child care, much as you adore your GD.

Purpleturtle46 · 12/01/2025 22:21

So you have much more on your plate than her but she expects you to help her? Sounds like you already do plenty for her. One weekend a month is loads!

LEWWW · 12/01/2025 22:22

How old is your DD?

Christmasbear1 · 12/01/2025 22:40

She chose to have a kid at 15. It's her problem not yours.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/01/2025 22:53

So she has a partner to help her and you're a single mum... SHE should be helping you'

Maria1982 · 12/01/2025 23:05

Good lord, a weekend of babysitting every 4-5 weeks?? I think she should be incredibly grateful !!!

for context I have a three year old and have never had a night off! My parents love their grandson to bits but struggle physically to keep up with the toddler for more than an hour or so! I did have my son when I was older so grandparents are all in their 70s.

JazzHandsYeah · 12/01/2025 23:20

She’s so entitled! You’re working full time, and mum to two DC at home, I’m surprised your DD had the cheek to ask. Does your DD ever help you?
My mother has never babysat, not once and my two are 17 and 21!

joliefolle · 12/01/2025 23:34

"Adult DD, is a stay at home mum, has a supportive partner and GD is in FT school."

Ok so you know she does not need what she is demanding of you. She may well try to use GD as ransom when you stand up to her (hollow threat as she'll come back to needing you to look after GD) but you have dependants who need your support, she needs to understand that she both should and CAN look after her own family ... and you need to sort his situation out now everyone's sake. Stop feeling guilty, stop pandering, be kind, be firm, be aware of your own responsbility in this situation and how that can help you make changes for the better.

PeriPeriMam · 12/01/2025 23:43

Everybody else has already said what I was going to say. Listen to the wise advice!

I look after my GC. LESS than you do, but as much as I have energy and time for. No WAY would a night out becoming a whole weekend be a thing.

CookieCrumbles23 · 12/01/2025 23:50

Bloody hell, OP. You’re definitely not the unreasonable one. My mum does an overnight stay max twice a year and I get my kids ready for bed and get home at a reasonable hour so she can leave as early as she wants in the morning. I’m very grateful as she is not obligated to take care of kids, although she really does help me out with a few hours here and there when I have work commitments. Keep the boundary firm as it sounds like you’re still in the thick of it with your other children too. Definitely create more space for you x

DreamTheMoors · 12/01/2025 23:51

My mum was the most stubborn, hardheaded kid to her mum - she went out of her way to be unpleasant and contrary. Even if it was more work she’d go out of her way if it meant it would displease her mum.
It’s a shame your girl never got to meet my mum. She’d be in shambles in one afternoon.
Get your stubborn on. Be hardheaded. Be contrary. It’s not like your daughter isn’t ever going talk to you again. Do unto her as she’s doing unto you.
And laugh a little. It might be fun to see her reaction to getting a dose of her own medicine.

happytobee · 12/01/2025 23:54

Your DD chose to become a mum at a young age, she has to accept that she cannot just go out for whole weekends partying like her peers have been because of her life choices and they’re not your problems to solve.

Normallynumb · 13/01/2025 00:00

She is taking the absolute piss!
She could offer to take something off your plate sometimes but she's selfish.
I think you need to tell her it's too much next time she asks.

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