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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why should one person do it all?

82 replies

ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:15

Why are people so against reaching out to an ex? I think my ex should take responsibility for the children as I didn’t make the alone. He has never taken any responsibility for them and has never had them overnight even though we split 8 years ago. I’ve never had a night to myself in that time and he hasn’t seen them at all in 2 years now. I mentioned reaching out to him because I shouldn’t be doing this alone and people (that I don’t know) told me it was obviously just me wanting him back in MY life?! I mean what? We’ve been split 8 years! How can people say this because you want a parent to take responsibility for the children they created! Almost like it’s said to just shame someone from needing support. How is it fair that one parent is left to do it all? So aibu for wanting him to step up and take some responsibility finally?

OP posts:
YesYesAllGood · 12/01/2025 13:18

You're absolutely right, OP. But if he's so uninterested in his kids that he hasn't seen them in 2 years would you trust him to take good care of them if he did agree? It shouldn't be like this but sometimes it is.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/01/2025 13:19

It isn't fair no, but if he's ignored the kids for 8 years, then he's not going to have a sudden epiphany, is he? I know how you feel, my XH left me with five kids under ten, swanned off to the other end of the country and only made contact when he felt like it. Never paid, only took the kids once a year. I had them ALL THE TIME. All the stress, no money, nobody to help.

But if I'd asked him to help, or to pay, he would only have come up with whatever story he was telling himself to justify his non involvement. It wouldn't have shamed him into stepping up. I imagine other people also asked him why he wasn't having contact with his own children too, so he must have had a story ready. You can't, basically MAKE them step up, or pay, whatever all the posts on here saying 'you'll get 50/50 and he'll HAVE to take them EOW'. He won't if he doesn't want to.

Christmasgiraffe · 12/01/2025 13:20

I'm not sure why you would want to leave your kids with someone who hasn't seen them for two years.

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:21

Who said leave them straight away? Would obviously build it up…

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2025 13:23

How old are the kids? After two years how well do they remember him?

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2025 13:23

How old are the kids? After two years how well do they remember him?

We’ve been split 8 years so they aren’t babies and yes they will remember him

OP posts:
DarkForces · 12/01/2025 13:27

Of course he should be a decent parent, sadly whether he will be is a different matter. He sounds pretty crap so far so I wouldn't get your hopes up.

toomuchfaff · 12/01/2025 13:41

So for 8 years he's coasted through life and you've not held him to account in that time but now you think you're going to get anywhere with it?

He's a shit dad, just because you're fed up of being a single parent doesn't mean he's going to become super dad, he's a shit dad and a shit human being. This is your lot.

JHound · 12/01/2025 13:41

It’s fair for you to reach out but be prepared to be ignored. Unfortunately you cannot make a parent, parent.

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:42

toomuchfaff · 12/01/2025 13:41

So for 8 years he's coasted through life and you've not held him to account in that time but now you think you're going to get anywhere with it?

He's a shit dad, just because you're fed up of being a single parent doesn't mean he's going to become super dad, he's a shit dad and a shit human being. This is your lot.

I’ve tried in the 8 years thank you very much! I’m hoping now he has grown up a bit. Should add I gave up trying a few years back but time has passed now and people can change and grow up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:42

JHound · 12/01/2025 13:41

It’s fair for you to reach out but be prepared to be ignored. Unfortunately you cannot make a parent, parent.

He wouldn't ignore

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 12/01/2025 13:44

ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:42

I’ve tried in the 8 years thank you very much! I’m hoping now he has grown up a bit. Should add I gave up trying a few years back but time has passed now and people can change and grow up.

Edited
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Well, good luck with that.

What's more likely is your kids will become fodder in your title for tat and it'll become starkly apparent that dad's not interested.

Let him be a shit parent, don't become the one who puts your kids through heartache because their dads a shit human being.

JHound · 12/01/2025 14:04

ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 13:42

He wouldn't ignore

Show quote history

Ok.

I mean if he wanted to be an active equal parent I think he would be doing that already.

I am not telling you not to reach out.

You don’t ask, you don’t get. I am just saying be prepared that it may not go how you want it to.

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 14:58

I meant he wouldn’t ignore me reaching out. If we was together people would be telling me I need to tell him to pull his weight (I read the threads on here) but if we separate he gets to just skip off and pretend they don’t exist?

OP posts:
Christmasgiraffe · 12/01/2025 15:14

ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 14:58

I meant he wouldn’t ignore me reaching out. If we was together people would be telling me I need to tell him to pull his weight (I read the threads on here) but if we separate he gets to just skip off and pretend they don’t exist?

He shouldn't get to but you can't force someone to give a crap, unfortunately. And technically you could skip off, your children would just have to go into care.

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 15:14

Christmasgiraffe · 12/01/2025 15:14

He shouldn't get to but you can't force someone to give a crap, unfortunately. And technically you could skip off, your children would just have to go into care.

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And how many mum’s do skip off 🙄

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 12/01/2025 15:15

I wouldn’t want to have left my kids with someone who has not the slightest attachment to/interest in them.

2chocolateoranges · 12/01/2025 15:16

If someone hadn’t bothered with their kids in 2 years I certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to them!

outerspacepotato · 12/01/2025 15:19

Has he shown any interest in seeing them?

Why would you want to leave your kids with a father who can't be bothered to see them for two whole years?

Of course his being a deadbeat dad isn't fair to them. But he's a deadbeat. No amount of pissing and moaning will change that.

Does he pay child maintenance?

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 15:22

outerspacepotato · 12/01/2025 15:19

Has he shown any interest in seeing them?

Why would you want to leave your kids with a father who can't be bothered to see them for two whole years?

Of course his being a deadbeat dad isn't fair to them. But he's a deadbeat. No amount of pissing and moaning will change that.

Does he pay child maintenance?

No maintenance so yes he has absolutely zero responsibility so the least he could do was see them. Yes he did reach out in the summer but I was angry at the time so said no it’s been too long cant just walk back in, but I have since changed my mind and decided I should contact him and that’s when I was told I was obviously doing it because I want him back in MY life.

OP posts:
Luminousalumnus · 12/01/2025 15:28

OP you don't get to choose his involvement in their lives. He's chosen to be absent. And when he did make contact you didn't allow it and he didn't pursue it. Try and get maintenance from him but thats all you will get I think.
Of course this isn't about whats fair for him or you but what is good for the children. I can't see how they would benefit from being foisted on this reluctant good for nothing.

Original poster
ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 15:29

Luminousalumnus · 12/01/2025 15:28

OP you don't get to choose his involvement in their lives. He's chosen to be absent. And when he did make contact you didn't allow it and he didn't pursue it. Try and get maintenance from him but thats all you will get I think.
Of course this isn't about whats fair for him or you but what is good for the children. I can't see how they would benefit from being foisted on this reluctant good for nothing.

There’s no maintenance to be had. He doesn’t work. I’ve changed my mind, he is allowed to so aren’t we all? Shouldn’t be on his terms only.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 12/01/2025 15:39

I didn't bother with my ex because he just wasn't interested. I didn't want to leave my young child with somebody who didn't want him around to be neglected or worse so I just left it. Depends what your ex is like. Obviously it's not fair but I just had to put my child first and leaving him in the care of a bad parent wasn't an option for me.

outerspacepotato · 12/01/2025 15:43

Reach out and see if he will be interested in seeing his kids and if so, work out a step up plan where he spends increasing amounts of time with them.

Don't worry about what anyone says about you wanting him back. This is about what's best for your kids. It would likely be better for your kids to have some kind of relationship with their dad, barring addiction or abuse issues, and having him a bit involved in their lives. You can talk to him first about a step up plan but make it clear he needs to be consistent. Having a bit of contact then ghosting them will not fly.

Christmasgiraffe · 12/01/2025 15:44

ReachingOut8 · 12/01/2025 15:14

And how many mum’s do skip off 🙄

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I'm not sure what your point is with that. Mum's aren't being forced into parenting either.