Why should one person do it all?

[ReachingOut8]

Why are people so against reaching out to an ex? I think my ex should take responsibility for the children as I didn’t make the alone. He has never taken any responsibility for them and has never had them overnight even though we split 8 years ago. I’ve never had a night to myself in that time and he hasn’t seen them at all in 2 years now. I mentioned reaching out to him because I shouldn’t be doing this alone and people (that I don’t know) told me it was obviously just me wanting him back in MY life?! I mean what? We’ve been split 8 years! How can people say this because you want a parent to take responsibility for the children they created! Almost like it’s said to just shame someone from needing support. How is it fair that one parent is left to do it all? So aibu for wanting him to step up and take some responsibility finally?

Does that mean he should never see them again? People can change and step up.

Honestly, yes. If you abandon your kids for two years, you shouldn't be allowed back in their lives.

Well the law disagrees with that.

Okay, and? Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's good for the kids.

I saw an spookily similar post a week or so ago... 🤔

You’re not unreasonable to want some help with your DC by the person who should be responsible for them. My only concern would be the DC would be upset if he comes back into their life and builds a relationship and then disappears again. I’d tell him this is his last chance, and if he lets them down again there’s no more chances. Good luck. Ok everyone here say not to, it sounds like you need some help, and why shouldn’t their father step up.

I have said multiple times I don’t see anything wrong with reaching out.

I am just saying you may not get the result you are hoping for.

Well that’s my point won’t know unless I try but fathers should take responsibility same way mum’s have to.

We were together in a relationship. He has been useless since we split; he wasn’t like this when we were together he blames his uselessness on MH (this is true he has suffered with mental health issues) however I’m at breaking point and need some support and I have no one else to turn to if I had family that would help believe me I wouldn’t be contemplating contacting him

well i can name 2! i wonder what your driving force really is? by your replies, you seem to have a bit of an attitude.

8 years is a long time, he's paid you nothing, he's made no effort with these children. How exactly are you going to MAKE HIM step up? what do the kids actually think, or does it not matter what they think

2 mum’s that put their kids into care or 2 mums that left the kids with the dad as those are very different things. Again it’s been 2 years we split 8 years.

for what its worth, i don't think they are 2 different things, but for the record, 2 mums who left the kids with their dad and left him to bring them up.

i'm sorry im confused... youve been spilt 2 years? and been together 8 years?

They are different things if you can’t see that then I can’t help you! Leaving a child knowing they are safe with the other parent who will love them and bring them up and putting them in care are nowhere near comparable not knowing what will happen to them and where they will end up possibly going from foster carer to foster carer or worse in a children’s home, the outcome for kids brought up in care isn’t a good one nowhere near the same is it?, so again how many mum’s put their kids into care because they don’t want to look after them? Almost all kids are in care because they were taken against the parents wishes. we’ve been split 8 years and he last saw them 2 years ago, it isn’t hard.

OP has said that she is struggling. I assume that she doesn't have any other support so has brought up her 2 children single handedly for the past 8 years without a break. That must be hard and really tiring so she is probably hoping that he has grown up a bit and can provide some help.

i dont need any help thanks. There is no way in hell you are going to get a man who has chosen to not interact with his children for 2 years to step up now! no amount of you begging and pleading with him is going to make him suddenly think to himself 'it is time to be a dad!'. There's no way i would be forcing my children into seeing a man who basically walked out on them 2 years ago.

You do sound as if you have had enough, but sadly, thats what being a parent is about. You can't just give up when it starts to get tough! Your children have no one else, you i'm afraid, if you like it or not are it!

I suggest you maybe seek help, local groups for single mums, social services, school, see what help is out there for you.

Can you be sure hes going to be a consistent part of their lives and not just popping in and out when ever he feels like it?

Honestly I've been through this myself. Useless ex would see the kids once every 5/6 months, leaving them upset and missing him. Wondering when they would see him again?. Finally had to cut him off and they are so much happier and settled. They haven't seen him in over 2 years.

I'm also doing it totally alone so understand where you're coming from. Im not exaggerating when I say getting my children into an afterschool club has been life changing for me. It means I get a few hours to myself in the afternoon and it's the only break I get. Is this something you could consider?

Oh yes because people would really rather have social involved than their own kids father don’t believe that tbh; anyway social can’t offer what I need which is some nights to myself!

Thank you I can’t see why people are finding it hard to grasp.

No I couldn’t afford it. And I need some nights to myself there’s nothing else that would really make a difference to me I need some weekends for myself.

well as a child, social services often helped my mum with respite care! myself and my 4 siblings would go to foster carers just to give my mum a break?

and from reading your replies, thats exactly what you need? I can see you're struggling, and you want some you time, but i don't think your ex is the right fix to this problem. he's walked out on you and the kids once, how are you going to deal with the fall out if you do manage to get him to take some responsibility, and for a while he does his bit, and then off he goes again?

That’s if you have children with disabilities times have changed they don’t have your kids overnight to give you a break they aren’t babysitters. And it’s funny you should say that as when I was a child my mum went into hospital to have my brother and she had no one to have us kids and social wouldnt help she had to leave us alone in the end they are not a babysitter service .

neither me or my siblings have disabilities? so not sure what you are implying? I'm fully aware of what social services do and don't do. but i bet they could help you. give you someone to talk too, maybe help you find groups or classes? they might be able to put you in touch with other parents like yourself, enable you to make friends and then perhaps help each other out from time to time with baby sitting etc.

I was a single mum for 10 years, its hard work

No thanks would rather my kids dad stepped up than deal with social services. As I said times have changed maybe they helped back then times have changed massively.

well good luck