Why should one person do it all?

[ReachingOut8]

Why are people so against reaching out to an ex? I think my ex should take responsibility for the children as I didn’t make the alone. He has never taken any responsibility for them and has never had them overnight even though we split 8 years ago. I’ve never had a night to myself in that time and he hasn’t seen them at all in 2 years now. I mentioned reaching out to him because I shouldn’t be doing this alone and people (that I don’t know) told me it was obviously just me wanting him back in MY life?! I mean what? We’ve been split 8 years! How can people say this because you want a parent to take responsibility for the children they created! Almost like it’s said to just shame someone from needing support. How is it fair that one parent is left to do it all? So aibu for wanting him to step up and take some responsibility finally?

You are right. He should take equal responsibility. Unfortunately what is morally correct is not very often what happens.

My ex on paper is a great dad. We have 50/50, no court orders needed, he paus maintenance reliably. Not the amount the CMS suggest, but a fair amount. He tips it up with 50% of all other costs for clubs, school trips etc.

In reality he is utterly useless at life/adulting/parenting etc.

Sometimes it is about picking your battles.

In your case, you are not unreasonable on the surface. But if he is unlikely to commit to regular contact, then is tryong to forcing him to be involved perhaps counter productive? Could the repeated in and out of their life be more damaging in the long run?

As much as I fully appreciate your need for time out, in becoming a parent you choose to sacrifice your own wants and needs in favour of what is best for your children.

I'm not sure if I have missed the age of your children, but perhaps sleepovers with friends or are the older siblings of friends old enough to babysit to give you the odd evening off? Are there grandparents who are able and willing to have them overnight?

You are not being unreasonable for wanting him to put in some effort, but after 8 years, there is no way you could leave your dcs alone with him. They don't know him. He doesn't know them and clearly doesn't give a toot about them. You don't know who he associates with, what his habits are. He is essentially a stranger.

It isn't fair but that's the reality now.

I can't imagine why people think you want him back. What mother in her right mind would want a man like that back?

I wouldn't leave my children with someone who didn't care about them. I was a single parent myself so I know this.

Just to shame me I guess! Couldn’t possibly be that I want him to take responsibility for the children he created, he pays no maintenance, he doesn’t see them. I mean how is that ok? Just to clarify it hasn’t been 8 years that’s when we split but he has never had them overnight since we split he last saw them 2 years ago. He saw them by taking them to the park every few months. I haven’t had a single night to myself in 8 years is what I meant.

You're right. It's not ok but there's nothing you can do to change his behaviour except ask. Unfortunately it sounds very unlikely he'll step up but worth asking. The only person who you can change is you and the head space and energy you give trying to make him be better. Sounds worth an ask, but not much more than that because he's proven himself to be a useless father.

i think you are not being unreasonable, does he provide financial support or is he useless at that aswell,
He needs to start pulling his weight, he has had an easy time so far, you need some time for yourself

Does he pay for his children op?

He does not work. No maintenance. Never paid in 8 Years.

Sorry op, just read your other post which saud he pays nothing. Why don't you apply for CMS?

I am with them. He doesn’t work.

What a useless human being,! if you can get him to take them for a while and you think he would be able to care for them adequately, ask him to

I don't understand why after all this time you would want the feckless disinterested layabout anywhere near your kids. Hardly a good role model is he? In the balance of things your children would probably be better off learning from your selfless single parenting, do they ever express a wish to see him and stay in contact with him?

Because I’m struggling and he is the only option. No the kids don’t mention him.

Who is it who is saying you're wanting to have him in your life? Are they worried for you, or just generally judgy people? Can you just ignore them and do whatever you think is best for your kids? Do you think it's the best thing for your kids to spend time with him, or are you mainly motivated by (entirely understandable) anger at his lack of interest in his kids?

And do you have other support so that you can have time to yourself /a night out or away?

I put a post on MN asking what I should message him saying as quite some time has passed now so I asked for some help on how to reach out and was told it was clearly just because I want him back in my life 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree he should be responsible. I do find it odd that there is no mention of what is best for your children though. It's about you having to do it all rather than them missing our on a father figure. If he hasn't shown any interest in them I'm not sure it's in their best interests to be forced upon him. I'd definitely be claiming for child maintenance though.

I'd send a message saying you're glad he reached out in the summer and on reflection you need him to have the kids on x dates or whatever timetable you want. Tell him what you need from him and hopefully he'll respond with a yes.

Well of course it would be better for them. One person shouldn’t be doing it all. That’s not good for them is it?

That sounds like a good idea thanks

Is it good for them to be taken care of by someone who doesn't want them?

Then he would say no when I contact him, if he doesn’t want to.

No I don't think it would. Children need consistency and stability. If he hasn't bothered for 2 years there is a good chance he will drop them again, that would leave them dealing with a lot of disappointment and the heartbreak of being rejected by a parent after building a relationship with them.

You already know he doesn't want to.

No I don’t know that considering he contacted me

Two years of no contact should be enough of a clue.