To stop doing DS laundry

[Notalaundry]

DS is 19, works hard and has 2 jobs. One of which requires smart shirt and pants. I’ve asked and asked until I’m blue in the face if he can do just one job in the house which is sort his own laundry, not let it build up, and wash and dry his own underwear. It would only be once a week. Then I will do the other stuff with ours. I think this is fair.

He says ok then doesn’t, His room is a bomb site with used / dirty clothes everywhere. I work FT have other younger children and don’t have the inclination and time to go something through his room to dig out his washing, when he’s fully capable of doing this himself he just can’t be arsed. I know he’s tired after work, and so I am. So it’s a stand off because I stopped.

Now here’s the AIBU… he’s run out of clean clothes, socks and underwear. He’s rewearing dirty ‘smart’ clothing for work, yuk, but not my problem however he’s now wearing DH’s boxers and socks. DH is annoyed as these are going into the pit of DS’s room and will now just be added to that and says I’ve made the problem his. I am saying tough, he needs to bollock DS into washing his own stuff. Who is BU me or DH? 🤷‍♀️

You're all being UR.

DS is being most UR by not doing his own washing.

You are BU by continuing to do his laundry after you asked him to do it himself, and only stopping recently (so of course he thinks you'll cave in again). Especially as it involved picking dirty clothes off his bedroom floor, when most children are taught at a much younger age that it doesn't get washed if it's not in the basket.

DH is BU for not supporting you.

Frankly, the 3 of you need to get together and have an adult conversation about expectations. An adult conversation - at the moment you're treating DS like a child so he is behaving like one. I'm guessing DS is also not throwing his weight with regards to cooking and household chores? So agree what's expected there as well.

I'd get DH to retrieve his boxers and socks and he can tell DS not to use his clothes, and leave him to it.

Dirty git.

Obviously YANBU here. Your husband needs to taje it up with your son that he shouldn't be "borrowing" his clothes.

Interesting, thanks.

Yes I have continued to do it for a while, I only wanted him to was his boxers and socks, I asked him to sort his other stuff, ie leave it out for me in piles of whites & darks etc.

The acting as an adult point is true too, I devised a rota for cooking and cleaning, he failed in the first time it was his day for the meal, and bought himself a take away instead. The chore was to clean the table and put the dishwasher on, which he did once very reluctantly.

I don't understand why your DH thinks you "are making your problem his"

DS wasn't stealing YOUR underwear!

He needs to have a conversation with his son not to steal his clothes.
Then your DS decides to either keep buying new underwear or washing it.

It would be good if you could all sit down and work out a time when DS could do his laundry that meant he wouldn't neglect to do it.

He thinks by me stopping doing it, so turning off the laundry service, I’ve pushed the problem onto him because he’s the one now affected with a dwindling supply of clean underwear etc.

I think if he is being this inconsiderate then it’s time for more serious consequences. What about you offer a choice between paying rent PLUS services (at your professional hourly rate or the local going rate, whichever is higher) and itemise it, so laundry at 2 hours = £40, meals cooked at 1 hour plus food= £35 or whatever. And enforce it. Non negotiable payments or he loses access to things like WiFi.
Or, rent but he does his own laundry and takes part in housekeeping tasks as any flat-share arrangement would require. And again the rent is non negotiable.

at the moment he’s resisting change because he can, there’s no consequence for him, and you’re caving sooner so he knows he just has to wait it out.

My son is 22 this year when he stays at mine if he has any washing i bung it in and get it done no big deal.
Before he moved out i done the washing like i always have any dirty clothes go straight in the washing machine then the tumble.
It not that he didnt want to do it or didnt know how because he has done it.
But its just washing no big deal we all need clean clothes and i wouldnt stop it because hes 16 and worked part time now almost 22 moved out but when at my home will always be his home and he has washing bung it in the machine and switch it on.

Your son is absolutely foul. Have you been laissez faire with him in the past and only now being strict?

I think all three of you need to sit down and talk together - I don’t understand at 19 how he never had chores until the one request now to do a “fairly minor” one.

You’ve not done anything wrong.

My young adult sons have had to learn this the hard way (dirty clothes or wearing something that they aren’t the happiest about) and see why people have a cleaning/laundry routine on free days.

Your h needs to tell son to return his underwear and socks and not use them in future. Laundry is hardly a physically difficult or time consuming task considering that the washing machine is usually in the kitchen and most adults will enter the kitchen a few times a day. If son was at uni or ever moved in with a friend/partner then he’d have to be able to do this sort of thing.

And your DH sounds pathetic.

At his age he should be more than capable of putting his own washing in a wash basket, or god forbid put a load on himself. My 11 year old knows that nothing gets washed if its not in the basket as she is big enough to pick up after herself.
Same with other chores in the house or I think I would not be cooking for him at all.

what's the point in him doing half of his washing?
should be doing it all - I never sort mine into light & dark, stuff survives.

Just keep on at it - and have higher expectations of the younger ones so that they don;t grow up equally challenged.

I think it's a good thing it's become DHs problem too. Why wasn't it before? Why were you the only one belatedly trying to housetrain your 19 year old when you are both his parents and presumably both work?
The three of you sit down and sort the rota again. Be clear that you are telling not asking that all the adults in the house pull their weight appropriately and also include age appropriate jobs for the younger kids so you aren't trying to train them at 19 too.

Then I will do the other stuff with ours. I think this is fair.

So DS is having to do his own laundry but you’re going to do yours and DH’s?

And DH is annoyed because by DS/you not doing it, he now has no clean clothes?

Does DH not wash his own clothes?
Is this not a confusing message for DS?

You can't change the past but this is why kids should have chores growing up. If you have younger children, get on to that.

Stop being so wet. He's an adult. He does laundry or has to wear dirty clothes. DH should billock him about nicking his underwear. Why didn't he get his arse handed to him when he was supposed to cook and bought himself a takeaway instead?

He needs to contribute as an adult now. Rent, share of housework, or move on to a house share somewhere. This is how we get lazy-arsed men. Speaking of which, has your DH been a good role-model in this regard or has sunny Jim grown up seeing the woman doing everything?

Oh dear… another young male being brought up in a house where the female is the default laundry maid. And because the DH is joining in, I can only assume the default laundry maid has spent 19 years in this role and has brought it on herself.

YANBU to be pissed off but YABU to not have dealt with this years ago.

Just to answer some questions, no we’ve not been lassez faire with discipline, we’ve been strict, although he is the DS who I’ve needed to be most strict with, pushed a lot more boundaries.

Jobs are shared with me & DH, in fact I’d say DH does more around the house. The washing is mine, but think that DS as 19 year old needs to do his share.

We’ve not been strict enough about chores though.

He does pay keep, he was strongly against this at first, thought it was hugely unfair to pay to live in family home, and was a huge bone of contention, but has paid every month, on time without being reminded.

Not cooking for him wouldn’t make a difference, really. He only eats here twice a week, and buys his own one of those times.

Yeah. No chance I'm doing my kids' laundry when they're adults. My children are 8 and 12 and they do more than this now. At minimum he should be doing his own laundry but really he should be contributing to the household as a whole in many ways, and of course contributing financially as he's working. I can't believe he's stealing from you on top of all this.

Of course he's still a child and learning but it seems he never had responsibilities when he was younger so you'll have some catching up to do.

Didn't he buy you guys one?

What are your DH's regular household jobs then? Laundry can become overwhelming and I don't think it's fair to say 'ah but I put the bins out' when that's 5 mins once a week.

You are enabling a lazy man child OP . What happens if he does have a relationship, a family , will his partner end up being his cleaner because you his parent failed to enforce basic housework on him?

Your son is being unreasonable

Family meeting time

And maybe buy the lad some more pants

Why would you ask him to wash and dry his own underwear? How bizarre!!!

You need to stand firm.
Remove the rest of DH supply.
What will he do next? wear yours ?
He will soon discover he has no option other to buy new clothes
(Does he change his bedding?)