To stop doing DS laundry

[Notalaundry]

DS is 19, works hard and has 2 jobs. One of which requires smart shirt and pants. I’ve asked and asked until I’m blue in the face if he can do just one job in the house which is sort his own laundry, not let it build up, and wash and dry his own underwear. It would only be once a week. Then I will do the other stuff with ours. I think this is fair.

He says ok then doesn’t, His room is a bomb site with used / dirty clothes everywhere. I work FT have other younger children and don’t have the inclination and time to go something through his room to dig out his washing, when he’s fully capable of doing this himself he just can’t be arsed. I know he’s tired after work, and so I am. So it’s a stand off because I stopped.

Now here’s the AIBU… he’s run out of clean clothes, socks and underwear. He’s rewearing dirty ‘smart’ clothing for work, yuk, but not my problem however he’s now wearing DH’s boxers and socks. DH is annoyed as these are going into the pit of DS’s room and will now just be added to that and says I’ve made the problem his. I am saying tough, he needs to bollock DS into washing his own stuff. Who is BU me or DH? 🤷‍♀️

How annoying for you OP. My brother was a little git too, when he lived at home aged 19 / 20. His thing was using everything in the kitchen, then buggering off out 🙄He's a lovely adult now though, and wouldn't dream of doing anything like that. My mum and dad were always united though, that it was unacceptable. Dad would never have had a go at mum over it - doesn't make sense, for a start.

I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms, that they could both do all of their own laundry going forward, and that you're washing your hands of the whole situation. Let them sort their own dirty pants out 🤢

Ds1 does his own washing. He's 18, will be living away from home come September and needed to learn. Plus his room's a tip so I don't go in.

He always puts on a full load and is also learning from experience how to hang it up to dry properly (after wondering why the legs of his jeans took so long to dry because he couldn't be arsed turning them out properly). It's all good.

I'm happy to fill up a family load if he's got anything he wants to chuck in obviously, but it has to be in the basket like everyone else's. He can steal dh's pants because they're too big so he has to plan or go commando (bleurgh).

He'll be back op, when he runs out of clothes or the friend or whoever he's staying with gets fed up with the smell. Or he'll learn to take care of himself and that's a positive outcome.

OP, he's having a tantrum.
Remain calm and let him off.
My son left some months ago and has been blown away by all the jobs that needing keeping on top of, cleaning, laundry, cooking....he described it as relentless 🙄.
He has now taken to visiting for a mini break even though he loves his independence.
It is so good for them.

Forget the discussion and just be very positive about him wanting to experience a new adventure and have some independence.
It will work out fine.
Just remind him his room is always there for him.

BUT your house and your rules.
You were not unreasonable....remember that.
Be kind to yourself.

He's left home because he doesn't want to wash his own underwear and because his dad doesn't want him wearing his?

Honestly, this will be something you will all laugh at in the future.

Let him go, he will come home. I imagine he's gone to a girlfriend's house has he? She'll be happy about that.

The person that makes me furious is your DH who clearly sees every aspect of domestic organisation as your problem. Doesn’t he live there too?

Then again, that explains where your DS gets his appalling attitude from I guess.

Oh come on - where is he going to go? He will be back with his tail between his legs, and having learnt something. Or he won't, and he'll learn to be a grown up. This is a good thing.

WOW! Did he pack all his dirty clothes because it sounds like he didn't have any clean ones to pack?

I guess the silver lining here is that he can't let his clothes get into a state if he's living elsewhere. No self respecting flat sharer will put up with it, neither will a mate or a landlord!

I'm so sorry it has come to this but his reaction is that of a child (thinking like "I'm taking my ball and I'm going home" when he's losing a football game or similar). He will have a wake-up realisation and he will be back.

Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

I left home when I was 4, cardboard box under my arm with all my best treasures! (Marbles etc)
Got to the end of the road & changed my mind !

The mysteries of laundry and the washing machine! It's almost as if you do need to be a woman to be able to do it.

OP, you'd be doing your son and woman kind a favour by initiating him into the "dark arts of clean clothes". Also, I would not be sorting through the mess on his bedroom floor. You are not his staff.

DH can do one, it's hardly your fault DS is nicking his socks, it's DS's fault.

I don't expect (or want) separate laundry - we have darks, whites and delicates, and I'd rather stick everyone's on in an appropriate wash, but on the other hand my 10 yr old son is expected to put his dirty washing in the right pile, and collect it at the clean end and put it away. DS1 is also 19, and when he came home from his first term at uni, he added his stuff to the right piles as usual.

But I do have expectations about them doing other stuff, age-appropriate, obviously. I remember DS1 whinging when he was about 14, "I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher and washing up!" and telling him I didn't always feel like cooking his dinner either, and his Dad didn't necessarily feel like ironing his shirts, and he had to suck it up.

What's he going to tell his girlfriend? "my mum won't do my washing, can you put a wash on for me babe?"

Don't worry.

Think, where can he go? It can only be family or friends; getting your own place takes time, paperwork and big deposits. If it's friends, it's actually friend's parents house. They'll likely be telling him 'no' - they'll certainly not be doing his washing!

And you say he's "packed his bags to leave" - which tells me he's not actually left yet. Because - he's waiting for you and his dad to be "devastated" and to beg him to stay. Don't do that. Let him play out his little drama. You've said he is "adult aged, still living at home but like a teenager, with still teenage habit". Teenage sensibility and maybe a toddler's sense of self-importance, in my opinion. This is the time for you and DH to model adulthood. Tell him if he wants to leave, fine, but to give a forwarding address as soon as he has one so that you can send on stuff for him. Give him space to realise he's being a twat, and space to 'change his mind'. Afterwards, insist it's time for adult conversations and that you expect him to actually converse like an adult and not a tantrumming toddler.

(To be flippant, by the sound of it anything he's packed will need washed, so he'd literally be taking his problems with him. Pretty sure that's a parable!)

When my three went to university we got phone calls, how to use the strange washing machine, temperature, detergent.

Then the calls for recipes and timings.

They always brought their own washing down to our utility room and took it back up clean. Ironing their own clothes too.

If he moves out, he will have to take care of himself. It will be good for him. Right now he has a safety net. If he falters he can come back to you with little consequence, hopefully a little wiser and with a bit more maturity.

Hmm - if he was away at uni he'd have to sort it out so he's simply relying on the age old "wear you down" tactic [as is your DH it would appear]

He'll be back, if he ever left and with a bit of a reality check.

Or you can charge him £20 a week plus £2.50 per ironed item for laundry services. Take the money and use it for something nice that you'd like for yourself.

Another £15 for a 1 hr clean in his room. It all adds up in the real world😁

I hope you are ok.
I think you should be telling that husband of yours to do his own washing too.
No doubt how he treats you has influenced your son.
He was very wrong to blame you for his lazy son taking his underwear.
I would be so pissed at such blatant disrespect.

What has he packed? His dirty clothes?

He thinks by me stopping doing it, so turning off the laundry service, I’ve pushed the problem onto him because he’s the one now affected with a dwindling supply of clean underwear etc.

This is a DH problem, though, isn't it ?

I'm guessing you do everyone else's laundry, too, don't you? Your 'D'H has been clear that he considers that you are a human support appliance

So your DS is just following his lead. Time for a major reset. And one where the household chores are shared out equally across everyone who lives in the household.

Oh dear everyone so convinced their parenting and regime has led to wonderful domesticated men and the op is the opposite. My husband grew up doing chores and unbelievably uses it as an excuse for not doing them now, traumatised apparently, his mum thinks he's an angel. Anyway, just don't wash his stuff. If he wears dirty clothes so be it. I wouldn't ask him to separate them out either, that's more advanced laundry, start off getting the dirty stuff in the hamper. You could always charge him a dirty room premium on his rent. Treat him like an adult, it will do him a favour

If he was in halls at university he'd be fined for that mess. Sons flat they found that the Chinese would not wash up, clean they learnt to report them immediately so that they weren't fined too.

Genuinely sorry this has upset you so much OP. But both the men in your life need to understand you're not an unpaid maid, and they need to take some responsibility for their own laundry. I expect DS will have a short sharp shock when he realises wherever he goes he'll either have to do his own laundry or pay someone to do it for him!