To stop doing DS laundry

[Notalaundry]

DS is 19, works hard and has 2 jobs. One of which requires smart shirt and pants. I’ve asked and asked until I’m blue in the face if he can do just one job in the house which is sort his own laundry, not let it build up, and wash and dry his own underwear. It would only be once a week. Then I will do the other stuff with ours. I think this is fair.

He says ok then doesn’t, His room is a bomb site with used / dirty clothes everywhere. I work FT have other younger children and don’t have the inclination and time to go something through his room to dig out his washing, when he’s fully capable of doing this himself he just can’t be arsed. I know he’s tired after work, and so I am. So it’s a stand off because I stopped.

Now here’s the AIBU… he’s run out of clean clothes, socks and underwear. He’s rewearing dirty ‘smart’ clothing for work, yuk, but not my problem however he’s now wearing DH’s boxers and socks. DH is annoyed as these are going into the pit of DS’s room and will now just be added to that and says I’ve made the problem his. I am saying tough, he needs to bollock DS into washing his own stuff. Who is BU me or DH? 🤷‍♀️

Underwear issues between two grown men are not your problem. It’s between them to sort.

You doing laundry for two grown men is your problem. Stop doing it unless you GENUINELY think DH does his fair share of household jobs in other ways.

Your son’s bedroom isn’t your problem unless you think he’s damaging the carpet etc through food or whatever. And if so, flat shares exist. And he can buy his own underwear.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. This sort of behaviour will have consequences like his future wife divorcing him, him not seeing his future children as much, having to sell his future family home, finances depleted, these are real things that real women discuss here every day. This is the kind of man that unsuspecting women marry and divorce.

I’d tell DS to wash all his clothes and DH to put a lock on his pants if he doesn’t want them being stolen!

Sounds like not your problem!

So because it's now spilled over and is affecting your DH, he's decided to get involved. Typical.

He needs to retrieve his underwear and have a word with DS. You need to stick to your guns and not do his laundry. I do think the way to go about these things is not make a song and dance about it but just quietly stop because surely he's an adult and it's normal that he does his own laundry and helps with chores. If he wants to live as a lodger and pay the going rate then that's different.

I cannot believe the number of people on this thread saying 'just do it', 'buy him some more underwear', 'it's only a matter of sticking it in the washing machine'. If it's that simple and easy why don't more men don't and why isn't OPs DS doing it?

It's because it's seen as 'women's work', beneath men, what a servant does. Honestly it makes me sick people still think like this in 2024. I hope my DD doesn't meet together with on of these Neanderthal men!

Tell DH that if he's so pissed off, he can always do the washing himself.

I always think it's very wasteful to do separate washing

However, it needs to be in the basket.

I also wouldn't accept his room being a pit or him not contributing to family chores

Tell your DH that the laundry is now HIS task and he can deal with your son. Don't make excuses for your son, he may well be tired but I bet you are too with a full time job and other kids.
As suggested, the three of you sit down and have discussion about expectations and how to move foreward.

Did you miss the bits in the OP about "his room is a bomb site with used / dirty clothes everywhere" and that she doesn't have "have the inclination and time to go something through his room to dig out his washing"? I'm goint to guess that your son puts his washing in a basket so that the only thing you are doing is moving it from basket to machine and back again.

Ok I get socks stealing but omg who wears other people's underwear (boak) dh needs to sort dc out

How much keep does he pay?

Did he really just buy takeaway for himself when it was his turn to cook?

Soo op you have some work to do with DS. He still considers himself a child in his family home and you want him to grow up a bit and help contribute. Baby steps I think. Start with 3 large laundry bins… lights darks and dress/ smart. He can at least learn to sort and facilitate laundry Then it’s that much easier to wash. And so very very true… his future self will have much happier relationships if he learns to pick up after himself even tho he had to work all day 😉

Dh can take over laundry then for them both. Sort yourself your own basket and towels and leave the men to themselves. It's gone on long enough.

says I’ve made the problem his.

Your DH is being unreasonable for saying this and should back you up.

Your DS should either do what you've asked or do his own laundry and NOT steal your DH's underwear! Lock your bedroom door so that he can't!

I would leave 2 males to sort it out between themselves

Socks and underwear

Your DH is being ridiculous saying you’re making it his problem. It’s his son stealing his clothes not you.

stay firm. Remind DH that you are not stealing his boxers. His son is taking them and if he has an issue with that, he needs to speak to his son and sort it out. Not leave it to you.

your son sounds ridiculous too. Not doing his own washing and stealing his dads underwear

If you son wants to wear dirty clothes at work so be it

Laundry is a chore I started my dc on when pretty young. It’s self contained and easy to do. The consequences for not doing laundry are typically only felt by the individual.

your husband needs to direct his anger towards the son for stealing his clean clothing, especially intimate items.

then let your son continue to deal with the consequences of his own choices. Everyone is tired after work. Chores are part of life.

If he is too tired, now is the time to figure out he can’t manage and get training or education so he can change careers. if you coddle him, he will miss the window where that is relatively easy.

Of course you shouldn't do an adults laundry. Especially not if they're working.
Presumably he knows how to do it?
Just tell him, there's no way you can expect a female partner to do your laundry, and therefore I'm withdrawing the service. For the sake of your future as a successful man.
If he goes out to work looking a state I presume if he gets pulled up by his boss 'my mum didn't wash my clothes for me' wouldn't really wash as an excuse (pardon the pun) 🤣

My DDs learned at about 10 years old if it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed. Only had to enforce it once.
Now as teenagers they will quite often put a wash on, not just their stuff either.
Tell your DH to get DS to wash and return his stuff (get DH to stand over him while he does it if need be) and buy a lock for his underwear drawer. Hopefully if he is forced to do DHs washing he'll do his own at the same time. And tell DS he's being vile by not wearing clean clothes.

My son is 17 and has been doing his own laundry completely since the September his GCSEs finished, it was the transition time for him to take more steps towards his own independence.
Your 19yr old is entirely capable of doing this and not resorting to using his father's socks and underwear, this is a problems between them and nothing to do with you so keep ignoring it and referring them to each other if they start.

You are not the laundry fairy op, make a stand.

This. My 14 yo sorts her own laundry.

I hope you've learned your lesson OP and the younger ones start doing it soon!

Some poor woman is going to be lumbered with this one at some point. Your job as parents isn't just to look after children, it's to raise effective adults.

The way I read it is that neither you nor your DH is being unreasonable but your DS is.

There wasn't an option for that.

1. Your DS shouldn't be using his father's underwear. End of!
2. Your DH shouldn't be raising this issue with you and not expecting you to ''fix" this. If your DH doesn't want his son using his underwear or actually anything of his, he has a voice and he should use it.
3. You, should probably do one final wash, and when things start getting bad, tell your DH to keep an eye on his jocks and socks and if they start disappearing again, it's no longer your issue to resolve and you will now stop doing HIS laundry too! HE takes it up with your DS - you've done your last load of laundry for both of them!!!

If he has two jobs and is hard working and generally a good teenager then I'd just throw his washing in for him a couple of times a week tbh 🤷‍♀️

If anyone used my underwear and socks, I’d tell them they need to replace it with new ones the same size and quality, I wouldn’t wash and wear the old ones again.

Your DH needs to be firm with DS and say he is not to touch his underwear.

Why, doesn't your washing machine clean your clothes?