To stop doing DS laundry

[Notalaundry]

DS is 19, works hard and has 2 jobs. One of which requires smart shirt and pants. I’ve asked and asked until I’m blue in the face if he can do just one job in the house which is sort his own laundry, not let it build up, and wash and dry his own underwear. It would only be once a week. Then I will do the other stuff with ours. I think this is fair.

He says ok then doesn’t, His room is a bomb site with used / dirty clothes everywhere. I work FT have other younger children and don’t have the inclination and time to go something through his room to dig out his washing, when he’s fully capable of doing this himself he just can’t be arsed. I know he’s tired after work, and so I am. So it’s a stand off because I stopped.

Now here’s the AIBU… he’s run out of clean clothes, socks and underwear. He’s rewearing dirty ‘smart’ clothing for work, yuk, but not my problem however he’s now wearing DH’s boxers and socks. DH is annoyed as these are going into the pit of DS’s room and will now just be added to that and says I’ve made the problem his. I am saying tough, he needs to bollock DS into washing his own stuff. Who is BU me or DH? 🤷‍♀️

Parenting isn't just about taking care/keeping safe a child; it's also about guiding them into adulthood. If your child doesn't become a functioning independent adult, then you've failed at parenting that child.

A 19-year old who can't do their own laundry? That's a fail. By all means you may decide that the amount of laundry is more economically dealt with on a household basis - but they should still be capable of doing it for themselves!

A washing machine that doesn’t clean clothes wouldn’t be very useful, would it?

I prefer to keep underwear and socks to myself, I don’t want to share them even with close family. That’s allowed, you know.

There is no 'just throw'. If you read the OP, she was happy to wash his smart clothes but his room is such a tip it's not possible to 'just throw'.

All he had to do was wash his underwear and sort his stuff so she could do the rest. He didn't. Which is disrespectful and inconsiderate.

Thanks to all the posters who’ve made helpful suggestions on how to move forwards, and I fully agree using DH’s underwear is not on.

This is a point about a person who
is adult aged, still living at home but like a teenager, with still teenage habit. and I’m trying to change this. I’m not a mollycoddling type either, believe me!

The points made about ‘overwhelm’ is exactly right, the situation is now overwhelming due to volume, this is what’s tipped this over the edge, it’s just too much now, I estimate about about 3 weeks worth. He didn’t do the sorting hence it’s got worse, I’ve refused to touch it and now it’s just an absolute tip. Funnily enough DS called me mid afternoon, late for work as he couldn’t find any clean clothes, it was somewhat of a surprise to him! I said not my problem. Maybe this will spur him into action, who knows?

Goodness knows what his boss thinks about his the state of his clothes, I’m not asking him or getting involved in that point either!

If it helps, we don’t separate our clothes at all - helped by my rule against anyone buying white clothes - but at this point he can definitely just chuck everything in the wash together to get through it. I’d give him full responsibility for his own clothes as half and half option is confusing.

Really hoping from your last post that your DS has finally seen the light OP!

I would also be inclined to have a sit down with him, and tell him that now he's officially an adult, if he's not prepared to do his share in the family home, then he needs to get himself a house share, where he will have to do all of his own chores, and it will cost him more. See what he makes of that.

We still do DS's laundry at times as it is is easier as it makes up a load.

He does his own as well.

But in your situation I think your dh has a cheek and he should be speaking to your ds about doing the laundry sharpish

And also needs to parent your frankly, lazy and dirty son! Your son should have the most energy of all of you, but how has he got to this age without taking responsibility for himself and helping out with chores, not just doing his own laundry? I'm mean it's hardly a difficult task putting stuff in the washing machine.

I stopped doing my dc laundry when each was 11. I taught them how and then left them to it. Dh and I did our own laundry. You need to leave your ds to it, so he suffers the consequences of his inaction.

This is what I would do -

You and younger children go out of the house on Saturday or Sunday.

Dad and son tackle sons room and get it up to scratch and have a male bonding as dad gives him the talk about son is now a man and needs to act like one or he'll be out on his ear look for his own place to then into a mess. (Lighthearted)

When you're home, dad spends time with younger children and you sit down with son and draw up a list of chores for his room and when to do them.

Make a Chore Chart (google a template) that he can tick off.

He needs to learn to keep on top of his room and support you with doing his share of the washing as it's an important life lesson!

At 19 he should be trying g to sneak girls into his room and he can't if it's a tip! (Lighthearted)

Thanks for all the suggestions. We had a meeting. It went terribly. He’s packed his bags to leave. I’m devasted. Leaving the thread now.

It'll be fine op! Promise. This will be the making of him. He's good enough to have gotten 2 jobs. He'll find out how to organise his washing etc

Oh op this might be a good step. He will learn that nobody outside the home says the only thing you need to do is your washing and please if you could load the dishwasher. Hes young and seems very spoilt- send him a message saying you’re sorry he feels that way, you hope he enjoys the independence, and you want to be clear that he’s very welcome to move back, on the understanding that adults with jobs do their own laundry and contribute to other tasks around the house.

THEN, while he’s gone, you tell your dh that the next time he tells you bringing up your children to be capable adults is just your problem not a joint one he can sleep in dss room, and how dare he not back you up and suggest you are ‘making his child his problem’ you say well yes I bloody well am and I always will. And if ds comes back then your dh will be pulling his weight in supporting him to be a contributing adult.

This 100%.

So he’s spat the dummy because mummy is finally making a stand and refusing to be treated like a skivvy? Poor him. 🙄

Let him go, he’ll be back in a day or two with his tail between his legs.

Best result really. He can live exactly as he wants in his own place and the younger kids won't end up like him.

My DS are both fully aware of the fact when I loose my shit with their messy clothes on the floor I put it all in a bin bag and drive it to the tip.

They loose anything that's on the floor. Works a treat, they also know I'm a looney and have actually followed through on many of my threats so they know I'm not even joking.

I have been known to order a skip when my DHs outside mess got too much.

You need a similar level of "nope"

I'd be laughing at him leaving because you won't do his washing. Oh no, who's going to do it for him now? Oh, that's right, he'll have to do it himself. He'll probably be back when he realises that whatever he was paying you in rent is no where near what he'd have to pay to go it alone. Wave him off and hope he learns his lesson.

If he's going to have such a wildly unreasonable response to you just asking to be treated with respect, frankly it's best to just let him go. Let him find out for himself the harsh realities of adulting. Let him know you are always willing to talk but you won't be blackmailed.

I would put money on him crawling back full of apologies as soon as the realities of funding and running his own household hit.

I once went into my sons bedrooms to clean. Awful mess. I opened their windows threw out clothes, shoes. Changed the beds, hoovered and shut the doors.

What's he got left to pack that's clean?

Yep I've threatened the bin bag. Not had to follow through as yet as the mere threat has been enough to send DS scurrying around picking his shit up. But I'm prepared to if pushed too far.

Wonder if he's planning to pop back to pick up his clean laundry??

I would put money on him crawling back full of apologies as soon as the realities of funding and running his own household hit.

Absolutely. Nothing you’ve asked is unreasonable and he’ll realise how easy he’s had it.