AIBU to think that my 'D'H of 36 years is an arsehole

[RazorSharp1]

I've been sober/alcohol free for coming up to 5 years, I was an alcoholic, binge drank to excess but still was fully functioning at work etc
I have no problem having booze in the house as he still enjoys a beer/whisky

We used to drink together, but I took control and just stopped cold turkey and vowed that I would never drink again.

We were talking this morning and apparently he said that I would be a lot happier if I had a drink now and then as I don't seem very happy all of the time

I went through the Menopause with no HRT etc and we moved house 2 1/2 years ago and he did nothing to help so the stress was awful at the time and I'm literally just coming out of it all mentally and somewhat physically, it battered me

He has suggested that I have a small scotch now and then but I've refused

(Name changed for this)

I'm not concerned about osteoporosis. I'm concerned about breast cancer, and given I've managed without HRT for the last 17 years, I'm not going to worry about getting it now.

It's probably a bit deeper that just being an arse hole per say. I don't think it is that out of the ordinary for someone who is alcohol dependent to try and encourage other people to drink with them. It helps alleviate their own feelings of guilt at not being able to control their own drinking. Drug addicts do this all the time because they don't feel as guilty if other people are doing it with them.

Jesus Christ. He’s appalling. Genuinely shocked at him trying to coach a recovering alcoholic to drink whiskey. More shocked when that person is his wife.

@tothelefttotheleft yeah it’s outrageous— from Demi Moore’s very good autobiography—“Ashton was enjoying a glass of good red wine when he said, “I don’t know if alcoholism is a real thing—I think it’s all about moderation.” I wanted to be that girl. The girl who could have a glass of wine at dinner, or do a tequila shot at a party. In my mind, Ashton wanted that, too. I tried to become that: a fun, normal girl. I didn’t think, This is a kid in his twenties who has no idea what he’s talking about. I didn’t think, I have nearly two decades of sobriety under my belt, and that’s a huge accomplishment. Instead, I cast about for justifications for his argument.”

It's very clear that you don't want HRT, that's why I didn't advise it? I just advised checking bone density and how to deal with it if there's loss WITHOUT hrt as someone that's had osteoporosis since my late 30s

I'm going to answer as some who's probably a similar age to you both as I've been married for the same length of time.

We're of a generation that socialised around alcohol, by today's standards we're heavy drinkers, or used to be. I think he misses the social side of having a drink together. I've cut down a, lot and my husband expects us to have a drink on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and can get a bit funny if I don't want any.

Tell him that just one drink can set you off drinking again. You can now buty decent alcohol free drinks like beer and wine, or gin type duplicates. That may work to give your husband the feeling that you're sharing a drink rather than not.

So your situation is entirely different to mine then.

Well, he doesn't have your best interests at heart, does he.
Is he an unsupportive twat in other ways, OP?

You are v combative with someone that was just trying to be helpful tbh. Yes my situation is different because I know I have osteoporosis because I had a DEXA, it's the only way to know so often woman don't know until they reach the point of fracturing after a minor fall, I think being in my position it's important I highlight that for someone that may not be aware and many aren't. Obviously you don't have to take any advice I give on board, but I don't understand why you are coming at me like you are, but don't worry, no more information from me.
BTW we do also have a similarity in that my mum had breast cancer, oestrogen positive receptive, twice. I am not trying to change your mind about hrt.
Anyway, probably nothing more to say on it now

He sounds awful. It’s a pity you couldn’t get rid of him before moving in to your new home. New home, new life.

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply, unfortunately I've had a family emergency so I will be back at some point to answer questions/comment in more depth

His behaviour is absolutely toxic and shows no understanding of the incredible work you have done to stay sober for 5 years. (A HUGE achievement by the way!!). More than this, he is deliberately being unkind. I'd think very hard about staying with someone with so little respect for you.

He’s an idiot for suggesting you have a drink. It doesn’t sound normal to take 2.5 years to recover from a house move though. Could you be depressed?

My mum was an alcoholic and it ruined mine and my siblings childhoods . You’ve had the courage to quit drinking which is so tough and he makes comments like that? Maybe without alcohol he’s worried you’ll find out he’s a bellend .

What do you mean, he apparently said that? To who? If you, then there's no doubt he said it.

If he said it, then I'll reeks of him thinking it would make his life happier.

I'm on here with about 800 votes in and 4% of YABU votes. I'm going to tell that there are at least 32 people who are not using common sense.

Hope your emergency has been or is easily resolved, OP.

Does he know you considered your drinking a problem in terms of your attachment to alcohol, or did you present your decision to go cold turkey as being about the impact of alcohol on your health, dislike of the hangover, etc.? (And was attachment to alcohol/inability to drink moderately the issue?)

Because if the latter, then I don’t think suggesting you might benefit from the relaxation of a small drink is particularly thoughtless in the sense that knowingly encouraging an alcoholic to drink is.

Though I agree with others that the “make your life better” is probably more accurately “make his life better”. And his lack of support for you at a stressful time is worrying, regardless. Do you think he’s going to be a good partner as you age together? Or is he all about you supporting him and no reciprocation?

I had this from my soon to be exH a lot! I was sober when we got together… but we had been in a relationship many years previous when I wasn’t. It took a lot for me to end my party lifestyle and he never did really understand why. He felt I was ‘extreme’, accused me of being ‘puritanical’ and didn’t support my clean living. It was one of the many reasons the marriage ended … he suggested quite often that my content was the problem … not his drinking. Which was frequently excessive. Have you considered joining AA? There are so many online meetings & the support in the program is fantastic. So in answer to your question, yes your DH is a total arsehole. Congratulations on your sober time.

You know what, you might want to learn a bit more about AA. Sometimes giving up drinking can make someone on edge.

Your husband is still an arsehole. But if you think you'd benefit, there's so much more to sobriety than not drinking.

My ex used to do this , I was easier to “control “
if I’d had a drink , and he didn’t like it when I didn’t
you notice more sober , !!!
dont listen to him if he really loved you he’d be supporting your sobriety not manipulating you into drinking when it’s not good for you

YANBU at all. That’s a very selfish and inconsiderate thing to say as well as uncaring and stupid given your history with alcohol. Is he usually this selfish and stupid?

It became apparent when I sobered up that my partner of 20 years and I had nothing in common and he was a bit of a knob. 3 years sober and 6 months single! Heavenly

He’s a plonker!

You are doing so well. He wants to bring you down.

to his level. Time to rethink the relationship.

Sounds like he is an arsehole.