Page 2 | AIBU to think that my 'D'H of 36 years is an arsehole

oakleaffy · 12/01/2025 12:55

AnxietyIsKillingMe · 12/01/2025 12:46

I don’t drink, I was never an alcoholic, it’s just not something that has ever been part of my life and I’m fine with that
However, I’ve often found others have an issue with it. Whenever I say I don’t drink, I’m pushed for a reason, am I an alcoholic, am I on antibiotics…. It’s bizarre.

When I was younger I felt enormous pressure to drink to fit in and even found that sometimes people wouldn’t invite me out because i wasn’t drinking.

i have tried the odd drink here and there, and I quite like the taste of a few drinks
its not that I would mind the odd one here and there
but i found it easier to not drink at all because I’ve found if I have one people push for more
or make comment about how slow I’m drinking it etc

IMO me drinking slowly, only having one or none at all makes them feel bad about drinking, or how much are having

Obviously Your situation is completely different because you have had an issue and taken control of it which is fantastic

But I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason your husband is pushing for you to have the odd drink here and there is because if you’re drinking too then it’s less noticeable how much or how often he’s drinking.
or because by blaming you not drinking for your unhappiness he doesn’t have to acknowledge any deeper issues where he may be culpable

You do sound unhappy
But I highly doubt a few drinks is going to change that, in fact if it sets you off drinking heavily again it’s going to make things a whole lot worse

if he can’t understand that then is there even a future for you both?

This!

He wants to drag OP down to his level.

OP This asshat is a definite risk to your long term wellbeing.

Loopytiles · 12/01/2025 12:56

Nasty of him.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 12/01/2025 12:56

It really depends on where it came from, if he is normally supportive and it is a combination of ignorance, concern for your wellbeing/happiness, he either doesn't realise you were an alcoholic and alcoholism isn't "cured" after many years of sobriety. Then have a conversation.

If he fully understands, is cruelly using it as a weapon or because he wants a drinking buddy then read him the riot act.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 12/01/2025 12:57

ThinWomansBrain · 12/01/2025 12:29

Sounds logical, now that you're sober you've realised what a twat he is - reasons to not be cheerful, part 3...

Yes, this. He prefers you when you aren't soberly assessing his behaviour.

CashewGal · 12/01/2025 13:00

Demi Moore describes similar in her memoir, how Ashton Kutcher didn't "believe" in alcoholism and she blew years of sobriety to join him with glasses of wine and wound up an addict again. Terrible idea and really unhelpful. Stay strong and tell him to STFU.

LongDarkTeatime · 12/01/2025 13:02

Congratulations on making such an important change 👏
It sounds like he is blinkered to your needs both with day to day issues and huge stressors such as menopause and moving house. Is there any care in your relationship?

gingercat02 · 12/01/2025 13:06

Well done OP, he's wrong in so many ways!
Undermining your sobriety
Equating happiness with drinking
Not trying to find out why you are unhappy (if you are) and working with you to help

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 13:07

I do enjoy alcohol. Never been a heavy drinker and lucky in that its never be a problem to me, but it has always made me annoyed when I refuse a drink or choose a soft drink and someone says something like "oh go on have a real drink" deffo YANBU

BlueSilverCats · 12/01/2025 13:10

RazorSharp1 · 12/01/2025 12:15

I've been sober/alcohol free for coming up to 5 years, I was an alcoholic, binge drank to excess but still was fully functioning at work etc
I have no problem having booze in the house as he still enjoys a beer/whisky

We used to drink together, but I took control and just stopped cold turkey and vowed that I would never drink again.

We were talking this morning and apparently he said that I would be a lot happier if I had a drink now and then as I don't seem very happy all of the time

I went through the Menopause with no HRT etc and we moved house 2 1/2 years ago and he did nothing to help so the stress was awful at the time and I'm literally just coming out of it all mentally and somewhat physically, it battered me

He has suggested that I have a small scotch now and then but I've refused

(Name changed for this)

No one is happy ALL of the time, regardless of whatever else is or isn't going on in their lives. So that's complete bullshit and an unreasonable expectation. Even worse, when you are a recovering alcoholic and he's attempting to end your sobriety for what? To be his performing (happy) monkey?

I'd wonder what about your behaviour when you 're drunk (horny, easier to manipulate/convince of things etc) he actually wants back.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/01/2025 13:11

BrokenHipster · 12/01/2025 12:32

Why did you not take hrt?

This is what I wanted to know also, OP. HRT has changed everything for me. If you can't take it then fair enough and I hope you're getting through menopause as well as you can.

Congratulations on your sobriety, hard-earned and well-deserved. Tell your husband straight that you no longer drink and that if he makes further comments on that then you will lose every bit of respect for him - but still not drink.

Ellie56 · 12/01/2025 13:12

He is either:

ignorant in that he does not know that you never encourage an alcoholic to drink as once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

manipulative and trying to sabotage all your good work for some reason

selfish and only thinking how nice it would be for him if you could only have a drink or two together, rather than how this would affect you.

Whichever it is, he is a massive arsehole. Maybe you should get rid of him as well as the drink? You might actually be happier without this twat in your life.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/01/2025 13:13

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/01/2025 13:11

This is what I wanted to know also, OP. HRT has changed everything for me. If you can't take it then fair enough and I hope you're getting through menopause as well as you can.

Congratulations on your sobriety, hard-earned and well-deserved. Tell your husband straight that you no longer drink and that if he makes further comments on that then you will lose every bit of respect for him - but still not drink.

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Maybe OP didn't feel she needed HRT. I went through the menopause without HRT because I had few symptoms. Not every menopausal woman needs it. I don't think HRT would have made her DH less of an arsehole.

Applesonthelawn · 12/01/2025 13:15

Well done you, stick to you guns.
I was never much of a drinker but certainly also found menopause so much easier when completely avoiding alcohol, so not surprised that the OP mentioned that. Even now at 65 I'll get a hot flush even sniffing a glass of wine.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/01/2025 13:17

I never suggested that it made any sort of difference, what an odd assumption.

I asked the question because it sounded as if OP was in full warrior mode - alcohol - check, menopause - check! All that's needed now is husband... check or chuck?

RockOrAHardplace · 12/01/2025 13:19

You found the strength to do something very few alcoholics manage by themselves, you kicked the habit. The strength that took is amazing.

However, whilst you may not have an issue with your husband having alcohol in the house, I do, its almost as if he is baiting you with it.

I'm fat, when I am on a diet, I would not expect my husband to bring a chocolate fudge cake into the house and leave it there, that is cruel, mean and sabotaging. I am never happier than when I am overindulging in food but then Io hate myself for doing it and it could kill me. However you had amazing strength and now he is suggesting you have a drink every now and then. There is no such thing as "just one drink" for an alcoholic and he knows that.

Many alcoholics drink to self medicate because they are unhappy and its a release. Maybe now you are sober you are beginning to realise that there are issues with your life, that you had accepted may even be because you were an alcoholic, which far from being the driver for it, was the reason for it and in the cold sober light of life now, you realise there are issues to be fixed....your so called loving husband for one.

It sounds to me like you need to sit down and discuss expectations because if he is offering you no support when you are physically and mentally distressed and his suggestion is that you should have a drink. He does not have your best interests at heart, it sounds like he is trying to sabotage you.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 12/01/2025 13:20

Suggesting that anyone would be 'happier' in their life if they had an alcoholic drink is really suspect, even if you weren't a recovering alcoholic.

Alcohol might help temporary relaxation, but I assume that seeking 'happiness' through alcohol is a fast route t problem drinking - and set to fail.

Obviously you must ignore him and his toxic urging you to drink, and well done you for having the resolve, sense of purpose and enough care for your own self to ignore him.

But in your shoes I would want to delve further into what is going in the marriage - is he unhappy? In himself, and / or in the marriage?

Are you happy? Do you seem unhappy? Or is he projecting / moaning / criticising? Does he contribute to your sense of happiness? Does he contribute t any sense of unhappiness?

Spirallingdownwards · 12/01/2025 13:20

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/01/2025 13:13

Maybe OP didn't feel she needed HRT. I went through the menopause without HRT because I had few symptoms. Not every menopausal woman needs it. I don't think HRT would have made her DH less of an arsehole.

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If she felt she didn't need it I don't understand why she would mention it.

@RazorSharp1 well done your sobriety but do have HRT if you need it. It isn't addictive and won't cast a shadow on your sobriety.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/01/2025 13:21

Spirallingdownwards · 12/01/2025 13:20

If she felt she didn't need it I don't understand why she would mention it.

@RazorSharp1 well done your sobriety but do have HRT if you need it. It isn't addictive and won't cast a shadow on your sobriety.

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Maybe to indicate her age/life stage. I always tell people I am post-menopausal - well, not always, but when it's appropriate.

AngelicKaty · 12/01/2025 13:22

So he knows you're a functioning alcoholic, currently in recovery, and he has suggested that you "have a small scotch now and then". Well, I don't know if he's an arsehole in all areas of life, but he certainly is with this - and ignorant to boot to think you could have the occasional drink and not end up right back where you started. I think you need to find a couple of good, reliable sources of information about alcoholism and WA/email him the links so he can have a read and actually understand what you've achieved by being sober for five years and how having a small scotch "now and then" will never be an option for you.
Well done on your fantastic achievement OP and good luck with your continuing sobriety. 🤗

ToWhitToWhoo · 12/01/2025 13:22

YANBU; that's an awful thing to say.

Congratulations on your sobriety!

RedLightsStopSigns · 12/01/2025 13:25

If he thinks you seem unhappy, he should be suggesting you see a GP, or get therapy etc. Not driving you back to the bottle! Awful behaviour.

MyCatHatesSandals · 12/01/2025 13:26

You've given up one thing that was absolutely no good for you. It's now time to give him up too.

MoonHavana · 12/01/2025 13:28

Please be aware that he may be trying to frame you. i.e. get you on the wagon again so he can say: See, you are able to............and then use it as an excuse for his own ends. Please stick to your guns, be strong and do what is right by you. If you are a good,polite, and decent person, allow no one to rock your boat. Be Strong!

JHound · 12/01/2025 13:29

Weyohweyoh · 12/01/2025 12:18

Anyone who encourages an alcoholic to drink when they are doing amazingly well at controlling their addiction is a full blown, card carrying arsehole.

Edited

THIS.

End Thread.

TopshopCropTop · 12/01/2025 13:30

Congratulations on your recovery, I have no doubt it has been a very difficult and lonely process for you.

Anyone who tries to sabotage your recovery does not love you. Anyone who has seen you at your lowest and attempts to deliberately drag you back down to it does not love you.

You have so much strength and hopefully you can find the last bit to remove this last bit of negativity from your life. You deserve so much more.