Who gets the room

[Lifeshardiko]

So me and DH have 4 children between us- 2 are mine and he has 2- 3 are boys between 11 and 13 and a girl age 16. DSD no longer stays over often but visits for dinner, evening etc.
we have 2 double bedrooms and a box room - my DS11 is in 1 big room, his DS11 is in the other and my DS13 is in the box room. I feel it makes more sense for my DS to swap with DSS and mine are here everyday- there day is not around and DSD is here EOW so 2/14 days.
DH thinks I am being nasty as DSS has always been in this room (it was divided between him and DSD) but I think it makes more sense that the child in the home more has the larger space and it’s not about which kids is who’s more about using the space better.
what do others think as we can not agree

I don't understand - where are the other kids? You said he has 3 and you have 2?

I think if this were the other way around you'd say the same thing ie think your DS should be allowed to keep his room. You're both looking out for your own kids which is understandable but you need to work this stuff out and it sounds like you don't have a big enough house.

I'm there's another room that you and he sleep in?

So, child who lives in the house full time has the box room while child who stays 2/14 has a double room? Yeah, that’s not fair at all.

How often is DSS around? What if both 11 year olds could share the largest room, 13 year old gets the second largest and the box room goes to the DSD as she still needs her own space and opportunity to stay should she wish

No, she said they have two DC each, 3 of the DC are boys and 1 girl.

Also, DSS could sleep in box room if he wished when DSD wasn’t there if he needed space from DS

Logically it makes sense for the children there most to have the biggest rooms but you have to think how your step son will feel. Will he feel pushed out and second best to your children? Maybe he won’t want to stay as much if he feels not wanted. I’m not saying you don’t want him but that mayb how he sees it.

Your DH only sees his son for 2 days out of 14?
if DSS is shifted to the box room, will there be anywhere for DSD if she does stay?

Does DSD sleep in the same room as DSS when she stays over now? Is she happy with this arrangement or is she requesting more privacy? If DSS moves to the box room where will DSD sleep when she stays over?

I don't think the post is clear as to how often your step-children each stay.

One possibility would be your 11 & 13yos sharing a big room, his son having a big room (as he stays more often) and the box room being available for his daughter when she does stay.

Did you move into his house (you say it has always been his sons room)?. I would be VERY unwilling to make my child move out of what had always been their room for another child.

If DSD stays she can either have our room or my boys can go in with each other for those days but she has not stayed in 7 months and seems happier coming for evenings and days when she wants. DSS is with us every other weekend.
DSS is unable to share with my children due to ASD (my boys) and he is quite a loud child they would not manage that

The room was properly divided by stud walls so yes they shared a room but had privacy and own doors this was removed due to building/ damp work last month after her not staying for 7 months

The way you've written the OP is so confusing!

I think you have:
DSD 16 - stays over 2/14
DS13 - lives there
DS11 - lives there
DSS11 - lives there

So I would put DSD in box room,
And the 2 11 years old share the biggest room and the 13 year old has the other large room with a spare bunk/trundle.

Where would you sleep if DSD sleeps in your room?

I would say leave it as it is for the time being. It's important for DSD and DSS to feel they have a place with their dad and it's not fair to move one child for the sake of another when that has always been their room.

X posted with your update!

my DS11 is in 1 big room, his DS11 is in the other and my DS13 is in the box room

This set up is so wrong. Why is your eldest son in the box room?

Your 13 year old and 11 year old should have the two big rooms as they live in the house full time. The step sons (you mentioned your DP has 2 sons and a daughter but then this changed to one son) should share the box room. The step daughter can sleep downstairs if she's visiting.

Sorry
so DSD hasn’t slept over in 7 months but comes for dinner/ days
DS13- lives with us full time
DS11- lives with us full time
DSD- Stays every other weekend

No, your DS13 needs to keep the box room I’m afraid, and his DS11 the big room.

You may think of it in practical terms, but to the children it is an emotional thing, especially at their ages. DDS11 will feel ‘relegated’ if you favour his step sibling over him.
The dice has fallen and DS13 got the box room. Unlucky. If they all lived with you full time, somebody would still have to have the box room. It’s the way the cookie crumbles. You could ask your DS11 to make room for some of DS13’s stuff in his big double? A desk or chest of drawers for example.

Where does DSD16 sleep when she comes over?

eta: sorry, missed the update!

Meant DSS11- stays every other weekend for 2 nights

The 13 year old should have the big room as he lives there full time! The step son isn't there often so he can have a box room. He has another bedroom at his mum's.

Agree with this

Also yes DSS has a large room to himself at his mum’s house if that helps for back story.

The kids who are there permanently have the bigger rooms.
His boy in the box room.
But you have to be mindful the girl could decide to move in so you'd need to revert to the original setup with one of the big rooms divided

Yes if when step children stayed changed the room situation would be reviewed to meet current need at that time.

No way should a large room be left empty for 12 days out of 14 that makes no sense.

DSD doesn't need a room but obviously lef her know you'll make space if she decides she would like to.

Is your DS13 requesting the bigger room?
Have you spoken to your DSD about it? Why is she no longer staying over? Was there a problem with her room? You mentioned damp.
How do you think DSS would feel about moving?