Who gets the room

[Lifeshardiko]

So me and DH have 4 children between us- 2 are mine and he has 2- 3 are boys between 11 and 13 and a girl age 16. DSD no longer stays over often but visits for dinner, evening etc.
we have 2 double bedrooms and a box room - my DS11 is in 1 big room, his DS11 is in the other and my DS13 is in the box room. I feel it makes more sense for my DS to swap with DSS and mine are here everyday- there day is not around and DSD is here EOW so 2/14 days.
DH thinks I am being nasty as DSS has always been in this room (it was divided between him and DSD) but I think it makes more sense that the child in the home more has the larger space and it’s not about which kids is who’s more about using the space better.
what do others think as we can not agree

I see the logic in practical terms, but to the child it isn’t a logical problem it’s an emotional one. Because he’s not there all the time, he gets the shit room. It’s heaping misfortune on top of misfortune. For all we know he may hate moving between houses and would love to have a full time home.

So the question is, which situation is likely to cause the most emotional hurt (not practical inconvenience, that is less consequential in the grand scheme of things). I think that while it may be more inconvenient for DD13 to continue having the box room, it is likely to be more emotionally hurtful for DSS11 to move out of his big room and into the small one.

Yes my DS13 has requested a bigger room as not enough draw space for his clothes and other stuff so that is in his siblings room

Surely 2 children should share the big room

Reading between the lines, correct me if I'm wrong. you've moved into your partner's home with your children, and now you're settled want to move the bedrooms around? If that's the case then don't do that.

Im a bit confused, but as long as the girl gets her own room I don't see a problem. I'm 20 and if I hadn't had my own room at 16 I'd have left home!

No I have not moved into his home at all this was a home we moved into together- originally his children lived 4 hours away (DH ex wife new partner is military) and between completing purchase and moving in they were notified of a move to 30 mins away

It sounds like you have moved into their home? In which case, can't really force this one without his kids being hacked off.

Tricky as if the step children have always have the other room then this would feel like he is being pushed out of his room despite the fact they don't live their permanently. I wouldn't move the step child because of this.

Why does your eldest have the smallest room, the 13 year old appears to have a smaller room than his younger brother? This would be the only switch that I would have made in that the 13 yr old who lives their permanently gets the big room, the 11 year old who lives their permanently gets the box room leaving the step children to share the other room.

I think the child who lives there full time should have the bigger room.

I can understand why people are saying it might make dss feel bad and if it was me I'd be having a good conversation with them to reassure them how loved and wanted they are but outline the practical reasons and the fact that they no longer need that kind of space because dsd (who they were sharing with) is no longer staying. Dss being there 2/14 days obviously won't need as much stuff and the child who lives there full time has literally all of their belongings in this place.

Maybe as a compromise, discuss with dss and tell him he can redecorate etc and see if he's happy to switch rooms?

You have to look at this in number of nights the rooms are occupied. I think your Ds13 was originally in the box room because the step children, male and female shared the bigger room.

Out of 365 nights Ds13 is in the box room 365 he doesn't have enough room for his clothes because all of his clothes are with him. Where Dss visits every other weekend and stays for one or 2 nights out of the entire year.

It isn't being nasty to divvy up rooms according to who is occupying them more. Quite frankly the oldest child usually gets the largest room anyway so Dss has had it sweet for the last 7 months.

I would move them round.

Why is your DSD no longer staying over? It seems unfair to leave her without a bed in her dad's house?

DSS hasn't "always had that room" if it was divided into two until a month ago!

At first I was sympathetic to your DH's position, but given the room division update, I've come over to your side.

Involve DSS in the decision and sort the box room out according to what he'd like?

For those saying it's an emotional issue for DSS - what about it being an emotional issue for the OP's DS?!

I would simply approach this from a practical and logical pov. The children living with you full time get the bigger rooms, besides DS will be studying for GCSEs soon so needs space to study. DSS already has a big room at his mums.

There's been a few threads on these sort of setups recently and it's always about tip toeing around and giving in, children need to understand that the world doesn't revolve around their individuals needs and often it's the most logical thing that it is best.

It depends how delicate things feel. I'd probably with dhs agreement explain ds needs more room, options are that he has some storage and a desk in dss room, or they swap and he gets a revamp of the box room. How does he feel about it? What does he think is fair? Acknowledges both needs, sets the parameters - you define the options - gives him some control, incentivises.

do Your sons ever see their dad @Lifeshardiko or they live with you 24/7

but yes your boys should have the two bigger rooms as live there full time from what I gather

one should have bunk beds in it

box room for step son for the two weekends he stays as isn’t there a lot

then if step daughter stays she can go into one of your sons rooms for the odd night - hence bunk beds and your boys share for the night as be too much for the step son to share with your boys

or she has your bed for the night and you and dh have a sofa bed

is step daughter likely to come back and stay ?

Keep it as it is. You're going to send a message to both of the step children that they're not valued members of the family if you take one of their sleeping spaces away altogether, and relegate the other to the box room. Personally, I'd put the partition back up so that DSD knows that she's welcome and still has per own space. Presumably with the partition up, the box room is bigger than each side of the split room. I actually think it would be more ideal for DSD to have the box and DSS to share the partitioned room with one of your DS.

The partition was causing some sort of damp issue, probably because of air circulation. So they can't really do that.

I'd have the two boys who live there permanently in the bigger rooms.
They double up if the DSD is staying.

DSS in the box room
Talk to him, he gets the smaller room because hes there less. He had half a room before he doesn't need a huge room.

Is half of the partitioned rolm bigger than the box room? If so, I'd partition again, move DS13 to the half of the room, and make box room multi-purpose - office /guest/ place for DSD if she want to stay/needs a quiet place during the visit.

DSS never had the bigg room for himself, so there is no tradition of it and no reason to make it so now

That alone makes me think your boys should have the bigger rooms
Not nice for either of them, the 11yo will get fed-up of his space not being his own. And the 13yo shouldn't really be hunting around looking for his clothes.

The alternative that would have MN up in arms would be putting the 13yos stuff in the DSS room since that room is empty most of the time.

We had a similar situation- DSSs were sharing the big room and DD had the box room. We realised the big room wasn’t being used at all for 12 out of 14 days, whereas DD was turning 13 and spending more and more time in her room. We had another tiny box room that was used for storage that could just fit a bed.

We approached it by discussing with DSSs first and seeing if they minded moving to the 2 small rooms. We explained it that they each had a ‘main’ bedroom at their mum’s, while for DD this was her only bedroom. Luckily they were on board and actually wanted to be the ones to tell her, which was really sweet as she was over the moon!

OP, I think YANBU but you just need to approach it carefully and talk to DSS about it first. Does he have a decent bedroom at his mum’s? If so you can explain that he already has a main bedroom for all his stuff, so at your place all be really needs is a place to sleep, while for your DS this is his only bedroom?

Can't he swap with your younger son then?

Child who lives there 24/7 should get the bigger room. To have a big room sat empty majority of the time and that child has another room at mums is madness. They are old enough to understand the reasons and whilst it might not be ideal, neither is this set up and your son must feel resentful his room is so small and a bigger one mainly sits empty.

Would that not just move the problem the 11yo in the box room with not enough space?

Of course your 13yr old should get the big room! Ridiculous that his son has it for 4 days a month.

You and your DH can have the box room with bunk beds then his DS can have your room when he stays.

You then get kicked out of your room for 2 out of 14 days which is hardly the end of the world, and his DS then gets a nice double bed.