Who gets the room

[Lifeshardiko]

So me and DH have 4 children between us- 2 are mine and he has 2- 3 are boys between 11 and 13 and a girl age 16. DSD no longer stays over often but visits for dinner, evening etc.
we have 2 double bedrooms and a box room - my DS11 is in 1 big room, his DS11 is in the other and my DS13 is in the box room. I feel it makes more sense for my DS to swap with DSS and mine are here everyday- there day is not around and DSD is here EOW so 2/14 days.
DH thinks I am being nasty as DSS has always been in this room (it was divided between him and DSD) but I think it makes more sense that the child in the home more has the larger space and it’s not about which kids is who’s more about using the space better.
what do others think as we can not agree

Can't you put the stud wall back up so your DS has the other half of the room that DSD used to have?

This is a good solution. Where do you and DH sleep?

I have 2 DSs. One large room, one small box room. My DS11 has the box room however he has shelving and drawers in DS13’s bedroom, which he can access any time provided he knocks. I couldn’t change the difference in sizing of rooms but I’ve done what I can to even out the space even just a little. DS11 still has to respect DS13’s privacy and tends to store things there he doesn’t need immediately, so not underwear or school uniform.

Of DSS can’t share or give up the bigger room he should give up storage space in this manner

Children who spend the most time there have the most space.

All our children are 'ours'. When oldest went to Uni, we room shuffled since he previously had the biggest children's room; he now has the smallest as he's only hear on uni breaks.

This house is your DCs’ main (and only) home.

This house is DSD’s daytime space to visit her dad, and DSS’s home 4 nights a month. Their main home is elsewhere, with presumably their own bedrooms where they have most of their stuff and enough space.

Why on earth should one child (DSS in this case) get two permanent big rooms to himself one of which is empty 95% of the time, when another child is scrunched up in a single tiny room at all times? That makes no sense.

So you all moved into a new home and initially it was
DSD + DSS11 in split big room
DS11 in big room
DS13 in box room

And now DSD does not stay so you want DSS11 who stays EOWend to move to box room and DS13 to take unsplit big room

Is that correct?

Just to clarify is it EOW or EOWend is tat DSS11 stays over

I see it's 2/14 days. Yeah that's dumb. The big room is sitting unused for 12/14 days whilst DS13 has nowhere for his stuff in his box room.

I think as DSS11 has a big room in his main house you could say it's not working as DS13 has no big room anywhere at all so he has no personal space of any size whereas DSS11 has a big personal space 12/14 days in his main house.

Of course your DS should get the bigger room, it must be quite galling being stuffed into the box room when the large room sits empty most of the time.

They can't share as DS both have ASD.

Any chance that the reason DSD doesn’t sleep over is that she feels awkward about pushing people out of their rooms? If she knew the box room was hers she might be more prepared to stay.

16 year olds have their own lives, I don't see it as that unusual at that age she doesn't want the formality of every other weekend and seems happy to manage her time with her dad as she wishes

I think your first step is to establish whether your stepdaughter is happy to give up any personal space in your home. TBH at that age I’d lost my first bedroom in my Dad’s house, then my subsequent bedroom (due to building work /siblings) and had a sofa bed in my Dad’s study when I stayed. It was fine - by that age I was working a Saturday job anyway, so rarely stayed over.

I think your DS13 does need the bigger bedroom. He’ll be starting GCSEs soon, and needs a place to work. It’s daft to have a room sat empty for 85% of the time while someone there full time is crammed in.

I think you need to put DSS in the box room, but allow him input into choosing decor/furniture- loft beds can be a good option .

So your DH says it's always been DSS's room, but in fact he only had half of it until you took the stud wall down a month ago? So he hasn't always had a big room at all. DSS has only stayed in the new, big room two or three times if he's there EOW.

Why didn't you make the change when you took the wall down? It does seem reasonable for the full-time resident child to have the larger room, but if that would cause too much upset, can your own two boys swap so the older has more space?

DSD still needs her own bed in her father’s house. She shouldn’t feel like a guest in what is supposed to be her own home.

I would look to fix the partition and the damp issue so you can subdivide the space again. Then you have a space for everyone and there is no issue of a bigger room sitting unused.

Op said the other 11/stepson can’t share with her kids

On so many boards about SDC it's very normal for them to not want to split time when they get to 15/16. Teens often don't actually spend a whole lot of time with their parents that age. They just want to be in their rooms. It's becomes more about the parents wanting them in their home more than the dc.

Genuinely it's often a chore at that age and it should always be about what works fir the dc

Whilst I can see the sense in giving the residents the bigger rooms, shifting your DSS to the box room could cause resentment. I think the feelings of the non resident child here does matter.
My resident DD had the smallest room until her older siblings (DSS and DSD) moved out. She now has DSD room.
But, we did use the older kids rooms for storing stuff like out of season clothes to make space for DD's stuff in her own room. They had no veto over that.

You need to ask DSD how she feels. It's not ideal to leave her without a space in her dad's home. I would be concerned about this. If DSS was in a smaller partitioned room then there shouldn't really be too big an issue moving him. But maybe make a fuss of him, let him choose paint colour decor etc. Is there any way you could put the partition back up?

So if you have three bedrooms and the DC occupy them, where do you sleep? Do you have a separate dining room you can convert? Your OP is quite confusing.

Re the DC, child who lives there full time gets the bigger room. Otherwise, DSD11 has two big bedrooms, but your DS has one box room, plus he’s there full time.

We have 4 bedrooms so me and DH are in one- very similar size to the larger 2 rooms.
when we initially moved in my older son was in the box room and he since moved out so my boys were split due to their ASD them sharing was often a nightmare for the whole house. The older of my DS went in the box room as the younger still had toys and is very sensory so has a lot of sensory equipment needs that just would not fit in the box room

I would give DSS the option of sharing a room with DS13 or having the box room to himself. If DSS11 opts for sharing and DS13 isn't keen, then DS13 can sleep in the box room when DSS is visiting.

Even if MN says you're right, I'm not sure how it helps. Your partner can still just say no, that's his DS's bedroom, he shouldn't have to move.

If DS13 is in Y9 I would leave it as it is for now and go for changing it in the summer "ready for his GCSE studies" as he will need a desk in his room. Then everyone has time to get used to the idea. But as to who gets the boxroom out of his little brother or DSS, honestly it's who wins the fight between you and your husband. Blended families are really difficult. If you could stretch to moving walls to even up the rooms, that would be ideal.

A nobrainer: the kid who spends 2/14 days gets the boxroom no matter if it's DC or DSC. It's really logic, don't understand why your DH doesn't understand that?

Assuming your older child won’t move back ? How old is he ? Where did he move to

It is very confusingly written post because you initially only referred to 3 bedrooms so it wasn't clear where you and DH slept, and said "DSD is here EOW so 2/14 days" but also "DSD no longer stays over".

Having read your updates, I think it's
Big room 1 - Your youngest DS (11) - always there
Big room 2 - Your DSS (11) - stays over 2 days every 14. Originally got the bigger room because he shared with DSS (16) when she stayed over but she no longer does
Box room - Your oldest DS (13) - always there

It's hard - if you were moving in brand new with the above situation of course it would make sense that the child who is rarely there gets the smallest room. But it's a bit different essentially kicking him out of 'his' room once he's got used to it.

Overall though it's still more unfair for your DS to have the smallest room when a big room is completely empty apart from 4/5 days every month. I'd give DSS/DH the option - either DSS keeps the room but DS can use it the days he's not here, to study, if he has a friend to stay over they can sleep there, etc or he moves to the smallest one and that's completely his own and private.